Hotel thefts in Hawaii (Rousse)

Very soon I would be heading home from Hawaii. In the few hours before my flight I planned to sunbathe in the hotel grounds. I couldn’t risk lying on the beach. The waves were too unpredictable. That morning they’d already engulfed a lamp-post and a car.

Against all advice I dropped some of my belongings on the lawn to reserve a sunsbathing spot. By the time I came back with the rest of my stuff my spot had been taken by strangers, as had my valuables. Although I still had my purse and small camera in the pockets of my lambskin gilet, the wallet that held my dollars and flight tickets had been stolen.

I raced to the hotel reception to report the theft. According to hotel rules the staff could only intervene on behalf of guests who had paid for a stay of 35 hours or more. Fortunately I met this criteria, so gladly passed all responsibility for getting me back to the UK over to the receptionist on duty.

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A puffin child prodigy (Rousse)

Rotten tomato by Brendan MacNeill

Rotten tomato by Brendan MacNeill

Although I’d given up my gym membership long ago, from time to time I still popped into Virgin Active at Edinburgh’s Omni Centre. This was largely because I liked sitting in the café and pretending that it was my own private club.

I’d just endured a difficult morning selling the idea of a third year placement to second year undergraduates. Beside me BP busied himself constructing lop-sided cardboard folders. Now all I wanted was a bit of peace.

I slumped into a chair in the gym café and gathered my thoughts. At the next table I watched a mother chatting to her baby as she dressed him. The child only looked about four months old, yet I clearly heard him respond to his mother’s baby talk with the word “puffin”.

“How extraordinary!” I said to the mother. “I’m carrying rotten tomatoes, a plate of tuna fish, and toy puffins in my bag. Your son clearly has psychic talents! He must be very advanced for his age.”

If you like puffins, check out this other Dreamaticus: A supper of puffin pie.

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Lonely Rousse does a runner

I sat in the crowded pub hoping that someone would notice that I was on my own and strike up a conversation with me. Nobody made a move – not even the couple next to me, despite my attempts to provoke them by stealing their black felt tip pen. I decided to leave.

The waitress stopped me at the door and asked me to pay for the tumbler of tap water that I had consumed.

“That will be four months” she said, quoting the price in the new currency. I was no fool. I knew the exchange rate. This equated to £8 for half a pint of water!

I pointed out that you could get a Coke for £1.65 at any other bar nearby, and stormed out without paying.

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Jimmy Savile shocker (Rousse)

We climbed out of the taxi and paid the driver, then looked around for our young friend S. It only took a couple of minutes to spot him in the crowd with his mother. But who was that old bloke with them?

Dressed in a black and gold shell suit, with a shock of white hair, and smoking a thick cigar, I recognised the disgraced DJ Jimmy Savile. What was he doing here with our young friend?

“I’d like to introduce you to my grandfather” announced S. I managed not to blurt out “But I thought you were dead?” Meanwhile my mind raced to make sense of how a deceased “lifelong bachelor” could possibly have had any grandchildren, and how this villain could be connected to someone as lovely as S.

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The beach body (Rousse)

When we first arrived at our exotic Caribbean holiday destination I identified the poolside as the spot where we would spend most of the week. However, we were soon drawn to the beach from where everyone watched the huge waves while sunbathing.

On our last day we witnessed the swell grow bigger and bigger. Just how far would the water reach on this occasion? Were the boats in the bay safe?

For some reason TPR and I popped back to our room just at the point of high tide. By the time we came back to where we had been sunbathing we found all our belongings had been burnt black by the force of the water. The picnic bag and library books were destroyed, and I’d never be able to use my cycling helmet again.

We spotted two dead bodies stretched out on the sand near to our spot. One was a drowned teenage girl. The other, just a couple of paces away, wore a green T shirt over a red bikini. “Don’t look!” shouted TPR, but I did and discovered that the second dead body was mine.

The only consolation of coming face-to-face with my own corpse was to appreciate – at last – that I was not fat after all, but actually reasonably slim for a middle-aged woman.

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Who will be Wella’s next model? (Rousse)

The “campus as building site” experience was really getting to me. From the window of the union bar we watched as yet another structure was pulled down. Today it was the turn of the pier to be demolished. Stray shards of masonry and wood drifted out to sea.

“I’m glad I’ve seen you”, said the blonde woman who served behind the bar. “We need you to enter the Wella student beauty competition.”

“Me?” I replied. “Isn’t that for students? Don’t you know how old I am?”

“None of the students are interested, and it doesn’t matter how old you are so long as you have taken a Scottish degree. Wella is looking for models for hair products, so you are ideal. If you don’t agree to enter, the the University won’t represented in the competition.” These words persuaded me to pick up an application form.

Later that day a gust of wind blew up my skirt and revealed my black Marks and Spencer knickers to the world. Surely my sensible choice of underwear was enough to disqualify me from any beauty competition?

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A drunken trip to the tool factory (Rousse)

We’d always fancied a trip to the tool factory and here we were! There were rows and rows of saws, hammers, lathes and the like, all neatly lined up for us to inspect.

K was on the same tour as us, enjoying herself immensely. We weren’t sure whether this was because she had made herself the centre of attention by flirting with the staff, or was more to do with the half bottle of cheap white wine that she had polished off before breakfast.

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Leads left behind (Rousse)

I was enjoying the beautiful sunset over the Atlantic from the Isle of Lewis west coast train line when TPR suddenly announced that he had forgotten the pack the leads to the MacBook Air, the iPad and the iPhone. They were still in the guest house bedroom. I suggested that perhaps R would post them, but we knew that this would cost a fortune. We would just have to return to the house, collect our belongings, and catch a much later train.

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A posh yacht passenger and a PhD (Rousse)

I ran up to the deck when I heard that the CalMac ferry was stopping in the Minch to collect the dirty washing from a posh yacht. Helpful as ever, I lent a hand to winch the bundle of clothes up from the smaller vessel. In doing so, I somehow got caught in the rigging of the yacht, and when the CalMac ferry pulled away I found myself parted from the CalMac crew, the rest of the CalMac passengers, and TPR. How exciting to be setting off on a yachting adventure and leaving the dreary world of ferry travel behind!

Unfortunately I soon discovered that I was as an unwanted guest of the red-headed captain of the yacht. He barely acknowledged me with his greeting “I’ll dump you at Perth”. However, once we reached land I found that I was much more popular with the rest of his family, all of whom shared my pale, blue-eyed, ginger colouring. His twin daughters looked just as I did at 13 with long waves of red hair tumbling over their shoulders. They told me that all the children in this family went to the same boarding school (Mrs Crawford’s), and that they lived in Teesside (Billingham to be precise). I guessed correctly that the captain worked at ICI.

Then I suddenly remembered that I had LR’s PhD thesis to read. I tracked down KH and ED who were discussing the work. PR was sitting beside them. I guessed that PR must be the external examiner.

Before long an undergraduate spotted us and wandered over. He whispered in my ear that he was going to interrupt the conversation to tell PR that he had dreamt about him the night before. I strongly advised him not to do so: this would be most unprofessional.

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An unintentional cute kitten slideshow (Rousse)

Our first social media training session had gone so well so I had high hopes for the second.

However, perhaps it wasn’t the best of ideas to attempt to deliver my PowerPoint presentation from my bed. I kept loading the wrong file. Everyone moaned when IR’s slideshow of cute kittens opened again for the nth time.

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