Great-grandfather returns from the dead – tall, handsome and posh (Rousse)

My great-grandfather came back from the dead.

I had heard that he was very like Captain Mannering, but in reality he was taller and better looking – and much posher too.

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Dismantling a dog, rib by rib (Rousse)

The steak dropped out of my shopping bag and fell to the ground.

A dog dashed forward to grab the meat.

The dog’s owners tackled the dog.

The only way to retrieve the steak from the dog was to remove its ribs, one by one.

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Local government loo inspection incognito (Rousse)

TPR found us a new house in a smart Glasgow terrace opposite a park. Next I had to find a new job.

I accepted a lift to a run-down provincial town where I met Margaret, my new boss in local government. However, I was ready to hand in my resignation after an incognito lavatory inspection at my new place of employment.

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Paris waves freeze on last day of finals (Rousse)

I took my last final exam on the day that the Paris waves froze. My entire cohort was gathered there in summer dresses – even DM, slim and beautiful in red, yellow and blue.

I had done no revision at whatsoever. I hadn’t even read the set texts in English translation. I realised that I would fail, but was unaware that this would have an impact on my existing degree classification.

Meanwhile I was envious of those who had been living in France for the past 30 years, all of whom were bound to get firsts. I moaned to RH about this without noticing that everyone else had been ushered into the exam hall. Now I would be late at the exam too.

I heard a woman calling out room numbers in French and asked if she could tell me where my cohort had gone. My room number wasn’t listed on her clipboard so she asked me to follow her to the hall in which she was an invigilator. She would check her master list there.

Here a class of dance students dressed in tutus were warming up for a practical exam. My room number could still not be found so the woman sent me to see a red-haired English receptionist in a plate glass and marble hall. Although initially amused by my late arrival, at last here was someone who was able to give me the location of my exam.

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Andy Murray and his secret TV quiz show lover (Rousse)

DM and I were each paired up with a man to compete in a geographic television quiz show that required us to name all the streets of Stockton-on-Tees. The experience was so intense that each couple fell in love.

My partner – Andy Murray – collapsed into sobs when I insisted that I would never leave TPR for him.

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A pin-up litter picker (Rousse)

TPR was the pin-up of Newcastle University. My nephew PMF was his agent. He arranged for TPR to live free of charge in the a hall of residence room, provided that he would pick up the litter on campus.

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A present of chocolate bananas (Rousse)

While I checked out the porcelain dishes, vases, jugs and bowls (some of which almost looked like glug jugs), DB bought me a bag of white and dark chocolate bananas.

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Learning to drive in a mark I Ford Escort (Rousse)

I had rashly offered to teach one of my new colleagues how to drive. I regarded this offer as a means of helping Gail and her husband out financially. They only had one income between them because the husband stayed at home to look after their ten-month old baby.

In fact my car was completely unsuitable for learners. So it was with great relief that I discovered that another colleague had offered to give instruction in his beat-up, red, mark I, Ford Escort.

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An incontinent labradoodle (Rousse)

My school friend JC invited my fellow undergraduate CP to visit from France to celebrate her 50th birthday.

I wondered what CP would make of the two rescue dogs – in particular the incontinent labradoodle.

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How to tell if a cameo brooch is fake (Rousse)

Granny H pressed the brown cameo brooch into my hand.

‘Here, have this’ she said.

I was pleased to take it, but I knew that I would never wear it.

Where there should have been two white engravings there was only one, and the metal clasps indicated that it was not an eighteenth century piece but a fake from the early twentieth century.

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