Lumpy legs and a football cure for bad posture (Rousse)

Posted on July 15, 2017 by Dreamaticus

I showed the lumps on my legs to my office-mate BR.

‘You’d better get those checked by a doctor’ he said.

I replied that I would do so – just as soon as I got dressed.

Forty-five minutes later I was still procrastinating, worried about my lack of preparation for the next academic year. I still needed to clean my teeth so I made my way to the ladies lavatories. BR followed me, much to the annoyance of the other women there. They made it clear that this was no place for a man.

When I eventually reached the doctor I forgot to mention my leg lumps. Instead we discussed my posture, and the doctor prescribed a football for me to wear under my skirt.

The football got in the way when I went running through the park with friends in York. HJ and her husband RJ watched me struggle. (I didn’t recognise RJ at first because he had shaved off his beard and looked so much younger.)

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A busy morning with Uncle J (Rousse)

Posted on July 9, 2017 by Dreamaticus

My Uncle J sat on the sofa and enthused about his new business idea: to sell custom-made T-shirts to the British middle classes. I told him that this venture was doomed to failure. I was British and middle class, and I would not buy such an item of clothing.

He dropped the subject in favour of firing University Challenge questions at me. I impressed him with my extensive knowledge.

However, all I really wanted to do was learn about the items of furniture in his house that he had inherited from my great-grandmother.

Meanwhile TPR was in the kitchen cooking fried steak and chicken (but not tomatoes) for breakfast.

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Suicide program (Rousse)

Posted on July 8, 2017 by Dreamaticus

TPR was in bits. He told me over the phone that the program no longer worked and – because of this – his colleague had committed suicide.

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Ginger hotel cat is famous actress in disguise (Rousse)

Posted on July 6, 2017 by Dreamaticus

While the slim, male, hotel receptionist tapped at the keyboard with his highly polished nails (deep burgundy) I marvelled at the size of the enormous ginger cat, sprawled on the floor beneath my feet.

I soon learnt that this was no ordinary pussy. Rather, a famous (but anonymous) actress paid a huge fee to live in a kitty costume and entertain the guests as the hotel cat.

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Newly-qualified British driver causes traffic chaos on the continent (Rousse)

Posted on July 5, 2017 by Dreamaticus

NP passed her driving test and was ready to take to the roads – of Europe, in a van.

She had no idea how to take a left turn when driving on the continent. We were all very afraid.

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Hospital portering as a career for the elderly (Rousse)

Posted on July 3, 2017 by Dreamaticus

My father complained that he was sick of living in Edinburgh and wanted to move elsewhere. I couldn’t understand why. Whatever would we do with the ponies that grazed in our garden?

Perhaps he needed a job? I suggested hospital portering.

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Dolly Parton and the unfaithful husband (Rousse)

Posted on July 2, 2017 by Dreamaticus

Dolly Parton spoke to us before the concert from the window of her underground dressing room.

‘Make sure that you are in the 7-11 after the show so that my crew members have a chance of meeting some girls’.

I nodded in assent, then headed off, leaving TPR to speak to Dolly on his own. Their chat did not go well. In fact TPR was so distressed that immediately after he left Dolly he climbed to the top of a statue above Edinburgh’s Cowgate and threatened to jump.

I called 999, but the dizzy teenager at the other end of the line did not know what to do next.

‘Call the police negotiation team’ I insisted.

In the end I was the one who managed to talk TPR down. He told me that Dolly had driven him to the point of suicide by scolding him for being unfaithful to me while I was away.

‘Oh no, not again’, I groaned. ‘Who was it this time?’

‘Alison’, he confessed.

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In conversation with the Princess Royal (Rousse)

Posted on July 1, 2017 by Dreamaticus

Princess Anne and I enjoyed an intimate cosy chat. I asked after her father the Duke of Edinburgh, who had recently been in hospital, and told her that I would meet her mother the Queen in a couple of days.

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Fun for two hot, moist, naked women (Rousse)

Posted on July 1, 2017 by Dreamaticus

A whole afternoon naked in the moist heat was not really my idea of fun – even though I was the one who suggested it. As soon as I voiced my reservations everyone else pulled out of the plan.

However, LM had already paid her fee, so I felt obliged to sit in the sauna with her while the others had more fun elsewhere.

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‘Intelligence calipers’ measure IQs of aspiring spooks (Rousse)

Posted on June 29, 2017 by Dreamaticus

The job advert had read ‘civil servant’ but I knew that the panel members opposite me were assessing my suitability for a role that included subterfuge, espionage, honeypots, and data decryption. I played along answering the standard interview questions with confidence, and was progressed to the next stage.

The chair of the panel congratulated me, then leant towards me with a pair of intelligence calipers. He explained that it was possible to judge an individual’s IQ from the size of the sinuses. He measured me up and was able to tell me my full educational history including details of my school, university, and first degree.

Next I was left in a room in which the walls and floor were covered in apparently random artefacts. I recognised these as the clues for a murder inquiry. It was there and then that I realised that TPR would be a much better candidate for this job than me.

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