The secret bigamist (Rousse)

Until I considered what might happen if I died before TPR, I thought it perfectly acceptable to have secretly married my 35 year old ‘boyfriend’. In practice we hardly ever saw each another, and I wondered if he actually remembered our vows. However, whenever we were together I did enjoy his company.

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Plumbing catastrophe (Rousse)

The poshest restaurant in town did not supply enough waste paper baskets – so everyone threw their rubbish down the lavatories, thus causing a plumbling catastrophe.

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Conference cutlery freebies fight (Rousse)

FR and I fought for conference cutlery freebies.

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A cartoon lover and a career in swimwear (Belle)

My new boyfriend was an almost humanised version of Stan Smith from American Dad. 

At his workplace I was presented with a gift and went onto the stage to make an impromptu speech. I said thank you and then said “Don’t you wish YOUR mistress was hot like me?”.  Stan came running up to me waving his arms.  “I told them you were my BANKER!”  Whoops.

My sister was cooking me a meatloaf while we were queuing at the Marks and Spencer tills.  She said, “I am so lucky to have been at the cutting edge of the swimsuit design industry for so many years.”

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Hebridean hedgehog swimmers and dolphins (Rousse)

I watched the hedgehogs swim to the shore to settle on the Hebridean island, and patted a dolphin and her calf from my seat on the headland.

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Christian Slater is a great rebel boyfriend (Belle)

The venue was hosting both a formal library conference and a small thrash metal event and I was unwilling to commit to either.

In the break-out room Christian Slater and I locked eyes and – without needing to speak – we had agreed to play a board game called Pirates. Christian convinced a member of staff we needed to set up the game in a library delegate’s bedroom and we needed cocktails and plenty of them.

By the time the delegate discovered us in her room, we had thrown a lot of glittery confetti and rock salt in her suitcase and in her bed. When confronted Christian gave a blatantly false name – Sir Ralph Richardson – and wandered off.  I followed him and boomed across the venue – “Christian Slater, get here right now and bring a dustpan and brush.”

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A visit to football HQ (Belle)

I was reunited with my former best friend AH for our visit to the Head Office of the English Football Association. While I was wearing a formal suit, she was wearing a mini-kilt, knee-length socks and an oddly bulky top. In the lift, AH began to chat to some Wrexham fans and began to flick through the hems of her many layered shirts. Eventually she found what she was looking for, lifting up several shirts to reveal a Wrexham FC football shirt.  She had dressed to please everyone.

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Mrs Thatcher goes to the loo (Rousse)

I came face-to-face with a giant Spitting Image style Mrs Thatcher dressed in grey tweed. Just beyond her, shuffling along in a blue dress, was the Queen.

It looked like Mrs Thatcher wanted to go the the ladies’ lavatory. I opened the door to let her through.

I was desperate to photograph her, but resisted.

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Standard Life National Library staff insult published author (Rousse)

Standard Life sponsored the National Library. As such, all employees were both librarians and insurance brokers.

I was in the library one day trying to get the last couple of pieces of information that I needed to complete a journal article. I was also enquiring about a job. Someone had made me a list of staff who might be able to help me, complete with character profiles. It was somewhat embarrassing when this fell into the hands of the librarian described as ‘hard’.

I didn’t finish the journal article, nor did I get the job. Instead I watched everyone pack up at 4pm so that they could all go home, get changed, and head out to a leaving do. I was insulted when one of them asked me in passing ‘Do you have ambitions to become a published author?’

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A drone pest comes up trumps (Rousse)

I was playing with Lego on the old drawing room carpet when a drone flew overhead.

‘I’m sure that flying at this level must be illegal’ I said to my small companion.

The drone then shot away – only to return directly to the window next to me.

‘Piss off!’ I mouthed at its beady eye through the glass.

My sister came into the room dressed in a tiny white billowing mini-skirt that resembled a Tudor ruff. It barely covered her bottom.

‘RH is here’ she announced.

Then I understood that it was he who was the pilot of the drone. I supposed that family members were permitted to snoop around whenever they liked.

I found RH leaning on a kitchen counter. He was browsing through a leather-bound sepia book. I glanced at the pages and saw a copy of my birth certificate and some old family photos.

‘What is this?’ I asked. RH replied that it was a present for me. He had three copies, one for each sister.

‘Are they identical?’ I asked.

‘Yes’, he replied, ‘although there a fewer mistakes in the second and third imprints.’

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