A sweary surgeon and a croft for sale in the Outer Hebrides (Rousse)

TPR and I parked out tatty car outside the lodge on RB’s massive estate. He’d paid for all this land and the mansion further up the drive with his earnings as an orthopedic surgeon.

As anticipated, RB was not happy to find us littering his land. It was obvious that he did not recognise us when he angrily ordered us to leave in a tirade of right wing expletives. There was no doubt which way he had voted over Brexit.

Later TPR and I sat in the kitchen of a small cottage, the walls of which were papered all over with multiple copies of the same full-page advert for a croft in the Outer Hebrides.

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What to wear to a conference (Rousse)

My missing conference pack had been sent to the wrong address in error. I tore open the envelope so that I could change into my outfit immediately.

LM looked on in horror as I squeezed my feet into the tiny red transparent plastic high-heeled sandals.

LM had to say something because she was duty-bound to stop me making a fool of myself. Only a certain type of man could get away with the Minnie Mouse look at a conference, she explained, and I was not of that type.

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Chatty arts professional protects her left breast (Rousse)

ECM arrived in the basement gallery as I was installing the new exhibition. She took a plastic tub of bright green powder paint and started to mix it so that she could ‘cheer the room up a bit’. When I told her sharply that this would not be necessary, she put the paint away.

I was behind schedule and didn’t manage to get all the exhibits on the walls before the start of the evening film screening in the same space. The gallery was soon filled by arts and media types, including several academics who were known to me. We stayed for a short while before the performance, then agreed to have supper with a couple of young men that we met over drinks.

I was pleased to get away from the venue. This was mainly because I was fed up of hearing the bar tender tell people that I was one of her chattiest customers, especially after a couple of drinks. I also wanted to escape an environment in which people thought it normal to cup my left breast.

As we walked out I took the opportunity of advising one of the young men that he should not be critical of his friend who had taken a year off before university to earn money in a boring job. ‘Not everyone can afford to travel the world aged 18’, I told him.

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Oscars red carpet fail averted (Rousse)

How could I tell my cousin NT, as well as his wife DT who had selected the outfit, that a 1970s shocking pink velvet suit, complete with oversize lapels and 24 inch flared trousers, was not a good look for the Oscars ceremony?

I suggested that he check the 2017 television footage of the event and copy the style of dress of men in attendance last year.

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Richard Beckinsale offers protection against death eaters (Rousse)

KA rejected all of our holiday destination suggestions. The resort was too big/small, the beach too crowded/quiet, the weather too warm/cool. This was too much for us all. How could anyone else book their own holidays if they were dependent on the decision of a woman who could not make up her mind. In desperation I threw a brick at KA and stomped out of the room, leaving TPR and (lond-dead) PH to pick up the pieces.

Later when we all reconvened I noticed ghostly figures flitting through the house. It took a lot of effort to identify that these were death eaters, waiting to pounce. Only one man could save us: Richard Beckinsale.

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The cat ballet craze (Belle)

Although sneering at the entire concept, I found myself gradually falling in love with cat ballet.

What clinched it for me was the performance of a student and her black cat in the lobby of Sterling Cooper and Partners. The cat and her human partner twirled in unison, and the finale saw the cat spiral around her owner’s body and complete the act by balancing on top of the student’s head. I burst into enthusiastic applause.

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How not to stalk stoat (Rousse)

I was stalking stoat in the long grass until an idiotic woman chased my prey away by opening a cupboard loudly.

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A low-level flight over Lindisfarne and the Hebrides (Rousse)

In a tiny plane the seven of us flew over the island of Lindisfarne, then the white sand beaches of a deserted isle of the Inner Hebrides. Our pilot took great pleasure in skimming the waves with the aircraft’s wheels.

While TF wanted to know the names of every landmark that we passed, I was desperate for P and SM to appreciate the beauty of their own country.

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Belle the librarian serves Rousse the criminal (Rousse)

It was a tough route up the concrete staircase in the cold to the main library of Birmingham City University, but so worth the struggle to be greeted by squeals of joy from Belle, on duty at the main enquiry desk.

Belle explained that things had been a little dull in the library recently because all the students were absent at a sit-in. She pointed out, however, that the protest was wrongly labelled. Rather than lock themselves in the library or a lecture hall, the students had decided to campaign outside. It was thus more a ‘sit-out’ than a ‘sit-in’.

‘I’d like a SCONUL card, please’ I requested, reminding Belle of my status as a library user, and hers of librarian.

‘One of my colleagues can organise that for you’, she replied helpfully, pointing out another enquiry desk across the hall.

It was at this point that I noticed that we were surrounded by former students from many different cohorts of my long academic career. I recognised all of them, and could name most. They all looked so grown up and sensible, but I was most impressed with FF’s toned forearms.

I found a table in a quiet classroom and asked all the graduates to give an update on their careers. To begin with this went well, but I could tell that after a while they had had enough of hearing about one another’s CVs and simply wanted to get back to work.

They were all in for a shock when we returned to the library. The police had caught up with me and issued arrest warrants for all those with whom I had had recent contact. All the former students were now under suspicion of a terrible crime, just like me.

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Human horse travels uncomfortably across the Atlantic (Rousse)

Normally a seat in the second row on a transatlantic flight would mean plenty of leg room – perhaps even a bed – but not on this service.

I was sitting directly behind a mother and a baby, both of whom were squeezed into the left hand corner of the cock-pit. To the right of them was the pilot, who also happened to be the woman’s husband. My own seat was also very cramped. It was the passengers further back in the plane who had all the room, complete with beds and white muslin curtains.

On arrival in Portobello TPR harnessed me up. I was competing in a flat race, playing the role of horse against one other human competitor.

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