I wondered how an amateur choir from St Albans had managed to fill out this central London venue. People were packing in to hear them sing highlights from Oklahoma.
If only I’d realised that tiny pearl stud earrings would make me look so fabulous, I would have started wearing them years ago.
My relationship with Eminem (or Marshall as I was now calling him) was going from strength to strength. Although marriage hadn’t been mentioned, and no formal proposal had been made, Marshall helped me fashion a wedding headdress out of costume jewellery and old perfume packaging. He’d brought a famous singer with him on our date but I wasn’t sure if it was Lady Gaga or Taylor Swift. She said to Marshall “…we really should do a duet” and I rolled my eyes. “That ain’t happenin’, honey”, I said to myself.
I carried a wriggling cat around the corridors of Goldsmiths College and the students thought I was a ‘happening’ piece of performance art.
I was appearing on a chat show, reminiscing about a gang of “bad ass true crime podcasters”.
“How bad were they?” I asked rhetorically. “Well, once they pulled me over and they weren’t even driving a car”.
How the audience laughed. I was hilarious.
I had been away from work for so long that a new boy had to show me around our office premises south of the Edinburgh city bypass.
First he took me to the car park that we shared with the pharmaceutical firm. I feigned interest in the strategies that he had devised for timing his arrival at work to guarantee a parking space.
However, I was really hoping that my companion might ‘help me out with my seat belt’ now that my hand had become inexplicably ‘trapped’.
I caught up with my former colleague KB at the other side of the till. She looked rather chic in a brown full-length fur coat topped with a black mink bolero.
She was, however, a reckless driver. She ignored the 20 mph limit in the village and almost took out two pedestrians.
When I left the two bodies to rot in the peat bog, I thought that I had committed the perfect murder. However, I accidentally left behind traces of my involvement in the dastardly deed. These included two knives, and a couple of pages torn from the book that I had been reading.
No doubt the forensics team would soon seek me out. I would be charged with, and found guilty of, the most heinous of crimes. Then I would be put away for a very long prison sentence.
The dog sculpture in jade looked good in MB’s new kitchen and I now regretted that the family had given it to her as a present.
The ornament was also much more versatile than we had first believed. The head was removable and inside was a selection of green plastic kitchen utensils. Without notice, these sprang to life and the whole object transformed into a food processor that liquidised a huge quantity of green soup.
I feared for the state of MB’s new kitchen surfaces as the green gunge started spilling out everywhere. I also hoped that her lunch guests, who included KJ, DTJ and one of their children, would not notice the commotion.
DJ and AJ had supposedly downsized to a modern house on the mainland. When we visited their new place, however, we found that they were now living in a gorgeous mansion furnished almost entirely with Chinese antiques. We had clearly underestimated their vast wealth.
I pointed to a beautiful oil painting of AJ when she was young and asked about the artist. She was surprised that I had forgotten that we had given her the picture as a wedding present.
TPR wanted to tell AJ and DJ about our forthcoming trip to visit AH and CS in France, but I managed to stop him just in time. TPR had completely forgotten that AJ had once spent a night with AH. It was important that DJ should never know about this indiscretion.
To mention AH’s name would risk a distressing revelation that would embarrass our kind hosts immensely.
I wasn’t too shocked when TPR tried on his sister S’s blue Liberty patterned bikini. The real horror was the sight of his tattooed shoulders and back beneath the strappy top.
When had he had the time to ruin his beautiful physique without my knowledge? And what did ‘Snowball’ mean, etched in Gothic script between his shoulder blades?
Dreamaticus 