I shamed myself at the beatification for two former popes by carrying a bottle Heinz tomato sauce in my right hand all the way through the ceremony.

Even at the conclusion of the formal proceedings, when the two appointed choir boys jumped up and down and waved banners displaying the names of the new saints, all eyes were fixed on my precious condiment.

Things not did not improve later when a beautifully coiffed, yet seriously overweight, employee of KPMG was appalled at the state of my hairbrush.