Shorty gets lost with a stranger in the Scottish highlands (Rousse)

‘Hey Shorty!’ I heard someone shout behind me. A course figure lumbered into view. I couldn’t tell whether it was a man or a woman, but s/he was definitely calling me.

‘I need a lift to work’ said she, for indeed this was a woman. ‘You’re heading for the car park, so I expect that you can give me one’.

With no public transport from the nearby housing estate into town, I appreciated that anyone without a car would struggle with a commute. I agreed to the stranger’s request, happy to take biscuits as the fare.

It all seemed a fair exchange until my passenger gave me dodgy directions – and the pair of us ended up lost together in a remote Scottish highland glen.

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Two dead queens and a kitchen conga (Rousse)

T arrived at our door in a terrible state. His marriage was on the rocks. and he had no idea how to win back L.

I accompanied T back to his house by foot. We passed some of the royal family en route, including the late Queen Elizabeth II and the (even later) Queen Mother. They were walking to a wedding, dressed in all their finery.

L was at the marital home with the two grown-up children. She barely looked at her husband as we entered the room. This served as confirmation that something was seriously wrong between our two friends.

I took my mind of the problem by joining in a kitchen conga with the children.

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Highland spirit triplets, hopeless handmade goods, an over-priced exhibition, and very public toilets (Rousse)

A set of Highland triplet spirits danced across the heather as they sought to reunite me with my mother and sister S after I came off the narrow single track road in our hire car. As soon as we found one another again, I once more took to the wheel and drove us to the nearest village.

Here we joined TPR to take a look round the small shop that sold hopeless handmade gifts. I took a fancy to some glass wall hangings, but otherwise despaired at the quality of goods for sale.

Then we decided to visit the free element of a major tapestry exhibition. However, when we reached the venue we found that the entire collection was beyond the ticket barrier at a cost of £11 per person.

‘If they are charging that much’ muttered TPR and pointing to a corner of the room, ‘They could at least move their public lavatories into cubicles’.

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A neglected guest witnesses wax flowers, uncovers a property tax dodge, and sticks up for non-smokers (Rousse)

I visited J and GC at their new house in the US. They had relocated there for G’s job. His role now extended beyond sound production and included procurement. These days star-struck hopefuls would approach him seeking fame and fortune in a broadcast slot that he might bestow upon them. I witnessed this during my stay when a young woman demonstrated her skills at wax flower creation at our dinner table .

Whereas GC was always in demand and extremely busy at work, JC was mainly idle. She whiled her time away eating, shopping, and sunbathing. She also kept an eye on the second property that she and GC jointly owned in the same street as their main residence. They had purchased this as a tax dodge and were planning to sell it soon.

I was keen to make the most of my visit and counted myself lucky not to suffer jet jag after my long flight. Unfortunately my hosts neglected me as a guest, expecting me just to follow them round restaurants from one meal to the next. As a result, I lived for phone calls from TPR, and listening to podcasts.

Others occasionally phoned me too. When someone called Trine rang, it took me a while to remember that I taught a Norwegian student with this name in the early 1990s. Could this be the same woman? JC informed me that I was mistaken. This Trine was the woman that I had recently told off for smoking on the decking of a restaurant in the Scottish highlands.

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Brothel bedroom shocker (Rousse)

It was so much worse than I feared. Not only was the house incredibly untidy, the whole top floor now served as a makeshift brothel.

I hurried upstairs to collect my e-reader, unaware of the new purpose of my bedroom.  On seeing the crush of naked bodies dotted in pairs and threes across the room, I rushed in and out as fast as possible to grab my belongings from the top of my chest of drawers. Then – in a rather shocked state – I headed straight back downstairs again to have words with my sister.

She really did need to start cleaning up the place.

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Unexpected side effects (Belle)

An ex-boyfriend presented me with a small pyramid of white powder on a silver platter, like an old-fashioned butler.

As soon as I approached him, with my finger outstretched, I developed chickenpox.

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Mother’s ruin (Belle)

My mother and I returned home late – it was 1:30 in the morning. The street was packed with badly parked cars. I was even more confused when I let myself into the house to find it full of unknown party-goers holding a wake. I greeted everyone in the front room and continued to walk through the house. Each room had its own sound system, and the music was fantastic. I recognised an Aswad tune I hadn’t heard in years.

In one room everyone was wearing West Ham United shirts and I burst in waving my arms in the air shouting “You Hammers bastards” and joined in with the dancing.

I knew my mother was hating every minute of it, which made enjoy it even more.

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An award-winning Australian and pelicans (Rousse)

On the bus back to the airport at the end of the conference, the organisers informed us that there would be an award for the most friendly delegate. From the looks on their faces, I guessed that everyone felt the same as me: (1) had we known that such a prize was on offer, we would have made more of an effort; (2) Australian academic MO was bound to win it.

In consolation, I gazed out of the bus window at beautiful low coastline of white sandy beaches and turquoise sea. The pelicans provided amusement as they dipped in and out of the water.

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Online games in bed (Rousse)

My depiction of Iceland in our game on online charades was a hopeless failure. I had hoped that the others might have realised that my shuddering body represented a cold country.

I would have had more success if (a) my laptop camera were better positioned; (b) I didn’t play the game with the covers pulled tight over me in bed; and (c) I played ‘live’ rather than simply submitted screenshots of my performance.

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Stirrup hairdressing (Rousse)

I sat at a make-shift hairdresser’s chair with my feet fixed in stirrups. A man attended to my hair, then a woman demanded £60 – for a simple dry trim. What a waste of money.

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