Rousse’s conference humiliation

I should have known not to ask Belle how she was. The stress of conference planning was all too evident in her manic facial expressions. Now I’d given her full rein to reel off an unnecessarily detailed response about the paucity of delegates, and how the future of the whole conference series was in jeopardy. I muttered something about looking forward to the afternoon’s closing paper and escaped with the excuse of finding a seat.

Despite Belle’s fears, the room was filling up nicely – largely with Norwegians. I settled into my place beside a gang of external work colleagues, all ears for the presentation. The moment that the speaker displayed his first slide (revisiting his keynote speech on Wikipedia from 1996) those around me started to misbehave: DC lit another cigarette; PG struck up a loud conversation with his immediate neighbours; and a rotund middle-aged librarian picked a fight with a woman in front over the potency of her perfume. I was ashamed to be surrounded by such rude people, and then horrified when the conference staff identified me as a ring-leader.

Down in the front row sat my mother, invited along to learn about my world of work. Instead she witnessed my public humiliation.

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Rousse notes ecological concerns for native flora and discovers fire(places)

House of Bruar by Brendan MacNeill

House of Bruar by Brendan MacNeill

Discovered:

  1. with VE on a Scottish headland: the extinction of heather.
  2. with TPR at the House of Bruar, Blair Atholl: the largest fireplace showroom in the country.
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Having a blast with new trainers (Belle)

I was throwing plastic yoghurt tops across a busy main road to get them to explode. Irritatingly, a young man picked one up and ‘helpfully’ threw it back to me.

My new trainers were much admired and I pompously told audiences that ‘ordinary’ trainers were just not interesting enough for me.

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A stolen suitcase and Champagne for singles (Rousse)

Unless I was prepared to stay in London forever, I had to chance this last train to Edinburgh. I reasoned that if we reached Newcastle, I could always bail out and stay overnight with my parents. In the event it wasn’t snow, strikes, nor the resulting travel chaos that ruined my journey. Instead it was the idiots who stole my suitcase. Its meagre shell was recovered at Morpeth, completely empty. I guessed that the burglars would get something for my hair straighteners, but my half-written conference paper and the stack of photocopied journal articles were worthless to anyone but me.

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The party was in full swing in the high-ceilinged dining room of the Stockbridge flat. I was itching to join in the fun, but first JW and I had business to discuss. By the time we were ready to party very little food was left, and not a single clean glass could be found in the dining room. I thought about begging a drink from one of the beautiful runway-thin models who were circulating the room, uber-glamorous in a gold satin ballgown. However JW had a better idea. While I munched on a slice of pizza she raided her secret stash of single-person Champagne bottles. We raised a toast from the only clean glassware left in the house: test tubes.

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Rousse’s trip to Spain uncovers NHS zombie and Sir Alex Ferguson’s secret château

I acknowledged that this little game with passengers at Edinburgh airport was losing its appeal. Stopping dead in your tracks just to witness the reaction of people following immediately behind you is a bit childish.

At the gate, and from behind, I recognised my university friend JG. My excitement turned to revulsion when he turned round. His body was a mass of haphazardly stitched and bandaged wounds. How had he taken on this zombie-like appearance? Was he a military hospital out-patient rush-job? JG explained that he had undergone surgery in Scotland to remove a massive tapeworm resident in his gut. Now discharged from treatment it was time to travel home to Ireland. He didn’t care that he looked a mess. What mattered more was that the operation was 95% funded under an agreement set up by the Republic of Ireland with NHS Scotland. All that JG had to cover personally was the (inexpert) stitching around his lips. His jubilation was somewhat dampened, however, when I remarked on the pregnancy of his mistress EF, of which his wife knew nothing.

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The basic ingredients of an incentive holiday were here. The big beach resort Hilton hotel in Spain was awash with TPR’s colleagues and their significant others. However, some elements did not ring true. First, there were no business sessions, and I wasn’t sure how the company could get away with presenting this as a work event. Then the hotel facilities and its staff did not match the standards of previous trips. For example, the lift system was completely unreliable. It dropped passengers off at random floors and occasionally descended “below stairs”. The evil concierge who agreed to look after my hand luggage on our last morning definitely deserved to be sacked. She attached a note to my brown coat: “Staying an extra night. Please send to suite 2.”

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Alex McLeish was jubilant. He’d identified Sir Alex Ferguson’s Swiss-styled château in the Spanish resort. It was quite beyond me why one footballing Alex would take such pleasure in spying on another.

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Belle honeymoons alone

I had been married less than one day and yet couldn’t remember where I had put my husband. It was typical of me to mislay something like that. Meanwhile, back on the cruise, a simpleton was serving me a dish of mayonnaise mixed with bright green fresh mint and cherry tomatoes plonked on the top. Rather patronisingly, I told him how delightful the presentation was.

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Rousse’s new career as a dress-making waitress

It was so thoughtful of my colleague EH – mother of Christmas twins and a waitress like me – to think of giving me a fabric shop gift voucher as a house-warming present so soon after we moved into our new-build. It cheered me up no end after the burglary (when much was taken, though thankfully not my Mac). I turned the two metres of sky-blue velvet shot with navy flashes into a pretty dress suitable for both day-wear and parties.

One day at work in the café EH and I asked our boss if we could put up a sign to ask the customers to clear their own tables. “Only for soup and jacket potatoes” came the response.

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Distressed baby elephant upstaged by new republic (Rousse)

I stole the enormous slices of carrot cake from the supermarket staff’s Christmas party, then LM and I gorged ourselves in an illicit bedroom picnic.

The pretty little red-haired toddler gazed up at the snow-topped range from the car window and shouted “Highlands!” Neither SG, in the driver’s seat, nor the child’s parents seated in the back with me, responded. I therefore took it upon myself to correct her. We were now passing through the mountains of the borders, having just crossed from Scotland into England. The herds of indigenous Northumbrian elephants grazing at roadside were magnificent. When we spotted a calf with a broken leg SG decided that we should buy some food to help the wounded animal, so pulled in at a roadside cafe. The Indian owners were most welcoming, but before I could stop him SG started to harangue them to join his new republic. This was so embarrassing. Rather than attempt to drag SG off these poor people I lingered at the back of room, feigning interest in the Indian-Northumbrian fusion decor, while listening to The Archers broadcast over the loudspeakers. By the time we climbed back into the car we had all completely forgotten about the distressed baby elephant. When I finally remembered it once more I managed to convince myself that it was bound to have been rescued by some passing retired vet or other.

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Shh – it’s a secret society (Belle)

The fire station was an attractive modernist building overlooking a river, but the rest of the city was ugly. It was just a badly painted pantomime backdrop.

Meanwhile I had inadvertently joined a secret society of librarians and an over-enthusiastic girl was showing me the special picture we all had on our iPods to identify ourselves. It was a photograph of mirrors reflecting mirrors.

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Life as an abandoned wife (Rousse)

I made an uncomfortable 47 year-old undergraduate banished to the University of Birmingham to finish my degree, and to do so properly this time around. The youngsters resident at the Manor House gradually became used to my presence, and gladly found me a role as their housing advisor for second year. I was shocked that parties of four were prepared to budget £2000 a month for self-catering flats that charged £11 per person per week in 1985/6. Overall, however, middle-age “study” was a lonely experience, and I squandered much time alone on a swing in the grounds of my hall of residence. I also completely forgot to attend any classes on campus, so failed my degree a second time.

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Every time we visited the guest house on the Isle of Lewis there was something new. On this occasion I opened a ground floor door that led into a massive bathroom the size of a school gymnasium. I wondered why it hadn’t been sub-divided into bedrooms, or at least refitted as a family suite. A set of blue Russian dolls sitting on a shelf caught my eye as I closed the door behind me.

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It was becoming more and more difficult to maintain the charade that all was well between me and TPR. I’d asked him to meet me for breakfast so that we could at least present a united front at the start of our day in the Outer Hebrides. When he failed to turn up I had to track him down. I proudly resisted asking DT and MY (my flat-mate from Paris) if they’d seen him, and eventually found him standing next to a chest of drawers. I shouted his name and ran over. When he pulled me into a warm embrace it felt wonderful to be pressed against his body again. But then I noticed that this “TPR” was younger and taller than the usual one, had brown hair, hazel eyes and dressed in double denim(!) I demanded to know where he had been. Hopeless at lying, he blurted out a feeble response: “Harrods?”

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