Andy Parsons turns to kids’ comedy at the Edinburgh Fringe (Rousse)

Given Andy Parson’s hairstyle (or lack thereof), it was somewhat amusing that we first met properly through a hairdresser. We had, of course, crossed paths for real before. This was on the day that we shared a lane in the pool of the Virgin Active gym at the Omni Centre. However, unlike me, Andy had no recollection of our watery meeting. He suggested that our previous encounter took place in Brighton. On this occasion I sat with him, surrounded by children, in a cafe, helping him fine-tune his script for his next Fringe performance. He was writing a new stand-up routine especially for kids.

How I had come to be in Andy’s company was a bit of a blur, but it all started with a trip to an unknown hairdresser on Elm Row. Normally I would have visited C for a trim, but it was a Monday, my usual salon was closed, and I was desperate. One thing for certain after this new experience was that I would not recommend Elm Row to anyone else for a haircut. Never before had I met such sulky staff, nor such peculiar hairdressing practice. Rather than following the convention of drying hair with a hair-dryer, clients were led into taxis and left to loop Leith Walk until all the water had evaporated from their heads. When I complained about this the salon boss muttered something about compensation and handed me a yellow post-it. The hand-written message in green ink indicated that I was entitled to a free drink at some unknown bar. I already knew that another client had been offered corporate hospitality at some major sporting event so I was singularly unimpressed. Just because he was a former star of Dunfermline Athletic should not have entitled him to special treatment.

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Curries by barcode and a couple of moves (Rousse)

It was a Friday night and, as was the custom, the EdCM crowd was meeting at the Curry Kettle in Merchiston for a balti. However, something was a little different this evening. Instead of giving your order to the waitress you had to go up to the hatch and quote the barcode for each dish chosen. Thank goodness that JW was in the queue just ahead of me and I could copy her order! We also learnt that evening that the cafe was about to close for refurbishment. This would be the last time that we would dine together in its yellow peeling-paint glory.

Just along the road from the Curry Kettle was my office. Once again my careful planning had been thwarted. When I returned to work after my holiday I discovered that three women from the Business School had moved in and one had completely taken over my beautifully appointed workstation corner behind the red room divider. I was absolutely livid and told her where to go.

After work I walked through the snow to NP’s place. She lived in beautiful two floor flat on Morningside Road, complete with a verandah covered in blooms. I was sorry to hear that she had recently put it on the market – but why had she decided to move?

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Victoria Beckham’s puppy (Rousse)

Victoria Beckham was simply asking a favour of her two best friends. LF and I were happy to oblige. While she travelled the world, we would take care of her puppy. Unfortunately the plan failed. The puppy bled to death from the eye injury that it sustained when I dropped it on the floor. Even the vets at WG&H could not save the unfortunate creature.

Meanwhile I had more success with our other pal PM. We joined an orchestra where she played the flute and I led the bagpipes.

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How to retain staff (Rousse)

I visited IS in his plush new London office. Everything – including the walls – was branded with either his name or initials. I wondered why the company had gone to such extremes. IS explained: (1) he was the boss here; (2) his own boss wanted to make it impossible for him ever to resign.

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Belle the gangsters’ moll

It was the 1920s and I had infiltrated a notorious gang operating from barges on the canals of south east London. They had early mobile technology, years ahead of its time, which involved carrying around television monitors. By the end of my undercover operation, I was carrying a gun in my garter belt and I was no longer clear which side I was on. I liked these boys very much indeed!

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The Obamas admire Belle’s dog

It was a long, long walk down a canopied pathway to get to the event dinner in the giant marquee. I was glad that I could follow the crowds or I would have lost my way. As I arrived to a glass of champagne, our great leader gave me a hand-written fortune. It read “Remember your vows”. I realised that he had mistaken my colleague Simon for my husband.

As I wandered into the dining room I was horrified to see my dog waiting at the table, holding a knife and fork. I would have to take him home and I was bound to get lost AND miss the starter. As I tucked him under my arm for the long walk, I saw Michelle Obama and her children admiring him. Along the canal tow path, a group of workmen on both sides of the bank were using their oars to create a giant flower sculture. I had to cross a wobbly iron bridge and an old boyfriend barred the exit. I begged him to let me pass. “I have vertigo” I screamed, but he just laughed. Eventually I calmed down, grabbed his bottom and said “Your arse has got really fat”. He backed down immediately.

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The running club birthday party and plans to ruin Rousse’s reputation

It was a huge effort to sandpaper the silver coating off the polystyrene cake rounds but I wanted everything to be perfect for the running club birthday party. We started promptly at 07:30 with all the familiar faces around the kitchen table. These included RK, AC, LF, RA, FMcL, as well as QM graduate and champion night-runner AL. It was all going so well that I was really sorry to leave everyone for the gym just an hour later.

On my way out I passed university friend and international sportswoman SB in the hall. She was deep in conversation with someone that I did not trust. I picked up that they were on a mission to gather all evidence possible that would prove once and for all that I was a terrible teacher.

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Career highs and fashion lows (Rousse)

The careers of all my friends were taking off big-time. DT was now a renowned social media expert, NP an internationally acknowledged poet, and JW a retail queen who administered her empire from her babywear shop in Stockbridge.

I was really keen to catch up with NP because I was about to perform in a poetry reading competition. I needed to discuss with her my choice of reading. I hoped that she would give me permission to use one of her poems.

In the meantime I wondered when it would be polite to take off the two beanie hats that I had been modelling for JW. Designed for six month old babies, they looked rather ridiculous on me.

(However, I didn’t look quite as silly as TPR. I caught him lifting weights in the gym wearing his black brogues because he forgot to pack his trainers. Formal shoes and skin-tight lycra – not a good look).

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The magic flower (Rousse)

Whenever you called out our niece F’s name, the magic flower echoed your words back again. At the same time, one by one, items in the garden went invisible. The job of folding up the blankets became more and more difficult as each one “disappeared”.

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Rousse’s travel trauma

The up escalator confused everyone when it switched direction from up to down. Then someone knelt down, stroked the metal teeth from front to back, and travel upwards resumed once more.

Later on KT and I were trying to get my Peugeot 205 through the narrowest of gaps past a council truck. When we finally realised that this was impossible our only option was to abandon the car in the forest. The next problem, however, was how to apply the handbrake. No matter how hard we tried, the car just kept on rolling down the hill.

Yet another vehicle was in trouble. The bus from campus veered out of control in the snow. As it crashed into a small house in Livingston I said to the person sitting next to me “If I die, they won’t be able to identify my body. Nobody would ever expect to find me in West Lothian”.

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