Rag doll family imposters invade Paris (Rousse)

I popped out to phone TPR from the call box down the street from my Paris pied a terre. I got lost on the way back, distracted by the shop windows stuffed with wonderful cakes and pastries that I could never afford.

Then I remembered that my flat was above the laundrette, so I wandered up and down the street until I found it again. There it was, on the other side of a busy road. I rooted in my bag for the key as I crossed over.

I was thinking about the M and D families as I approached the building, key in hand. They lived nearby and I resolved to call in on them as soon as I had settled in. They had the same idea. Outside my building I discovered a welcoming party of M and Mme M, their twin daughters D and R, and an assortment of cousins all lined up in order of size like a set of Russian dolls.

The big news chez M was that the twins’ uncle PD was a movie star. I tried to take this in as I worked my way along the line of cousins, guessing how many kisses each one expected. I based my decisions on the look of each person: those from the town got two, those from the country four. As I approached the last couple D instructed “Don’t bother with them. They’re just stuffed toys”. Sure enough, a number of these “cousins” were simple rag dolls masquerading as M family members.

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Distractions of driving on the M1 in Yorkshire (Rousse)

Only my sister S knew the route north, but she was not to be trusted on her own on a scooter. The solution to getting home in one piece was for us to join our two vehicles together. That way she would lead us, and I would keep her speed in check.

All was going well until we reached the final stretches of the M1 in North Yorkshire. Here I got distracted and my naughty little sister sped off without me.

I felt terrible for losing her, but who could ignore the tiny men, standing on ponies, on top on horses, balanced upon the lamps above the carriageway? How had they climbed up there? More importantly, how would they ever get down again alive? And where were the emergency services when you needed them most?

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Pet Shop Boys lose their crown to brainy guitar duo (Rousse)

Our friends BM and RG gave up successful careers in academia and law to become the biggest pop sensation since the Pet Shop Boys.

Such was their popularity that MTV played their latest video on a continuous loop. Against a plain white background with B to the left of the screen and R to the right, they strummed their guitars in unison, with R taking care of lead vocals Morrissey-style.

Today I was watching the TV performance for the nth time, lounging in the luxury of a big white leather sofa at a record label’s headquarters. As head of A&R, CC had called me in. What were the chances that I could persuade B and R to jump ship and sign to her label?

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Belle and the Russian oligarch

The three oligarch brothers were becoming increasingly influential in the borough. From appearing on the glossy pages of celebrity magazines to taking over the running of the local hospital, it seemed they had fingers in every pie in Lewisham.

While the two older brothers ran the family ‘business’, the youngest was known as the family buffoon. Clumsy and short of stature, he was constantly getting himself into media scrapes. It was a surprise to both of us when we met, fell in love and moved into a tiny terraced house. While I went out to work, Sergei kept buying new and ugly sofas which were too big for the parlour. In his mind, he still lived in a palace.

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Rousse gate-crashes school reunion Madonna-style

It was not my school and therefore not my reunion, but only one person called me an imposter. Even better, nobody seemed to mind that my outfit was topped by a lacy white bra and nothing else (Madonna-style).

At the end of the day I came across someone that I did know. JA was in my sister’s year at primary school. I was surprised to hear that she was a dentist in training.

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Police equipment security failure causes alarm (Rousse)

There was a scuffle in the street and the idiot policeman dropped his taser gun. He made no move to pick it up so a passer-by walked off with it, firing lasers into the sky. This could only end badly.

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Secrets of the golf course: how to preserve eggs (Rousse)

Three weeks earlier in the first week of term I stuffed some bits and pieces – including a few loose eggs – into a carrier bag and left it in the car on the floor behind the driver’s seat. I only remembered this when the posh man on the golf course showed me his own collection of out of date eggs. His were strewn across the fairway, each one covered in small bumps. I commented that I thought the rotten contents would have exploded by now. My companion explained that they would last forever in this state. It was a relief to know that it would still be safe to fetch the forgotten cargo from my car.

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Stockton-on-Tees welcomes Dreamaticus fans (Rousse)

By now Dreamaticus was a popular tourist attraction. Coach parties travelled to Stockton-on-Tees to learn about its beginnings on Darlington Road, and the vital roles of the 224 and 268 buses. Today my school friend KM (now KC) led another group of clamouring fans to meet Belle and Rousse. Were we famous now? We surely hoped so!

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Staffing priorities in hard times (Rousse)

As far as I could remember we had never received any presents from the G-J family. So when their servant asked us to return “everything” it was difficult to know what to say. The servant explained that R and S were on the breadline and selling all their belongings to feed the children. I offered the contents of our freezer to help them out. I did, however, wonder why they had not yet cut back on their domestic staffing costs.

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Library rules for tandems (Rousse)

TPR wheeled the tandem into the bookshop. So far, so good – nobody stopped us. However, further into the main body of the shop a member of staff told us that this was, in fact, a library, tandems were banned, and that we should leave immediately.

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