Spiderwoman student adds to academic’s workload woes (Rousse)

Posted on April 29, 2012 by Dreamaticus

I needed to speak urgently to PhD student S. I could see her out of the window from my office in the tower block on campus. I called out to her and she said that she would come up straight away.

What I didn’t anticipate was that she would scale the external brickwork of the building rather than use the internal stairs. This was a brave feat given that she was in crutches only 6 months ago.

This was also an unwise decision on S’s part because it added even more to my hideous workload. Did I really have the requisite carpentry skills to dismantle the window pane from its wooden frame so that S could squeeze her body through the gap once she reached my floor? Why couldn’t she just use the stairs like everyone else?

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Harry Potter and the Black Knight (Rousse)

Posted on April 29, 2012 by Dreamaticus

My husband Harry Potter raged when he heard that I was having an affair with the evil black knight. On his way to complain about my behaviour to my father, he tried to mow me down at the side of the road in his red Fiat Stilo. What he didn’t appreciate was that the black knight had kidnapped me against my wishes and – so far – I had resisted his evil will.

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Mick Jagger’s rucksack (Rousse)

Posted on April 28, 2012 by Dreamaticus

I dropped my own bags off at the airport lounge luggage “intersection” as instructed (something like “fourth and Broadway”) and then went outside to look at the pile of rucksacks in the wet.

“That one belongs to Mick Jagger” said the woman with blond hair, “He’s off to Ireland to play at a festival”. I thought I’d do Mick a favour and wrap his luggage up in a see-through carrier bag. That would protect it from the rain. I would also drop my business card into the package so that he could write me a thank you letter. It would be great to get his autograph.

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Laptop loss at the beach (Rousse)

Posted on April 26, 2012 by Dreamaticus

I set up my lap top on the sea wall, with the desktop machine nearby as back-up. I was meant to be working, but from time to time it was fun to look up and watch the water. I was just considering the best angle from which to photograph the shoreline when a huge wave raced up from the sea and crashed all over my belongings.

I rang Computing and Information Technology Services to beg for help in rescuing my kit. I soon learnt that they were not responsible for any equipment that had been taken off campus illegally.

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Are we nearly there yet? (Rousse)

Posted on April 24, 2012 by Dreamaticus

We were delayed on the return leg of the journey home from our cycling holiday in Cornwall. I spent a happy hour browsing through the books in the children’s section of the public library. My favourite tome was a compilation of things to do when travelling along the M4 (specifically).

The suggestions ranged from singing well-known nursery rhymes (I particularly liked the illustrations of four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie) to activities that were completely new to me. The best game involved guessing what the clouds might say to the hard shoulder crash barriers when it rains.

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Farmyard animals enjoy indoor luxury of family seat (Rousse)

Posted on April 24, 2012 by Dreamaticus

The family seat of the Hanna dynasty was now a hotel. I wondered what the descendants of this noble line would make of the pigs and donkeys happily housed on the ground floor just behind the reception desk.

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Bodies in the boot (Rousse)

Posted on April 23, 2012 by Dreamaticus

It was a terrible end to our holiday. When we parked at the airport I noticed that the boot of the car was already open. Surely we’d shut it properly when we set off from the hotel?

Once we got out of the car we realised what had happened. Our vehicle was surrounded by beggar women. It was they who had opened the boot, into which they had placed what looked like the corpses of their malnourished children.

It was, in fact, a scam, and the “bodies” in the boot were all part of a sophisticated begging strategy. The supposed children were in fact rubber dummies dressed up to look like the dead. We were not fooled.

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NHS failure – doctors blame patients (Belle)

Posted on April 22, 2012 by Dreamaticus

This really was the most unprofessional conversation I had ever eavesdropped.

Standing on a cobble-stoned London Bridge, two GPs were discussing their ‘worst’ patients. Apparently these two malingerers, with their constant demands for health care, were draining the squeezed resources of the NHS and responsible for the country’s demise.

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Breakfast and afternoon tea party prep (Rousse)

Posted on April 22, 2012 by Dreamaticus

We forgot that we had invited J, N and baby A around for Sunday breakfast. They arrived when we were still in bed and had no supplies in the house. Even so, we welcomed them in. We left them in the company of the three boys that we were babysitting while we made a dash to the supermarket for food.

By the time we came back J, N and baby A had already left. We understood why. They had a party of their own to prepare that day, after all.

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Rousse’s driving test

Posted on April 22, 2012 by Dreamaticus

The task was quite simple: to drive 5 miles back to my sister J’s house. I even had my nephew P as navigator. He’d just run the route in reverse to meet me. What could possibly go wrong?

  • we took a wrong turn off the main road onto a dirt track;
  • we got lost;
  • the sat nav refused to work;
  • we were chased by enormous, salivating wolves;
  • I lost my sight on a section of three lane motorway.

When the police eventually caught up with us they refused to accept any of the pathetic excuses for my dreadful driving skills.

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