Photo journal envy (Rousse)

My talented friend NH had captured two beautiful shots of a frosted country lane. In contrast, once again I had nothing to show for my pathetic efforts at photography.

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PhD student pantomime is a joke (Rousse)

I despaired at the early rehearsals of the PhD pantomime. The acting was truly terrible, and now the students hoped that I would save the day by playing the role of the lead villain. My contribution was pathetic. Only my boss could save the show now.

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Boden cardigan birthday surprise (Rousse)

I was appalled at the sight that greeted me when I walked into the kitchen to make my morning cup of tea. There were mountains of washing-up, and a dusting of icing sugar covered all surfaces. Then I saw a prettily-wrapped parcel at the far end of the kitchen table and remembered the date. TPR must have been up in the middle of the night baking me a birthday cake.

I unwrapped the parcel and inside found a beautiful candy-striped cashmere Boden cardigan.

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Queen Victoria: stony history tutor (Rousse)

Princes Street at Christmas by Brendan MacNeill

Princes Street at Christmas by Brendan MacNeill

Whenever tourists complimented me on my extensive knowledge of Edinburgh I always acknowledged my source. My teacher was a statue of Queen Victoria.

Most believed that the sole function of the statue was to peer blankly down on Princes Street from the high bridge that bore Victoria’s name. In reality it (she) was tutoring me in Scottish history.

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Trendy Teflon tough tans (Belle)

Located in Devon, my new hall of residence was not particularly convenient for south east London. When I arrived at midnight the ‘moonlight harvest’ was in full swing.

Meanwhile, the latest craze at college was the all over Teflon spray-tan.

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Clegg house fire (Rousse)

It was not until I saw the extensive media coverage of the Clegg family house fire that I discovered that Nick, Miriam, Miguel, Antonio and Alberto lived just five doors round the corner from my Edinburgh basement flat.

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From Manchester to the Caribbean – and back again (Rousse)

P and Q lay back in their red and white striped deck chairs and soaked up the Caribbean sun. We commented on how wonderful it was for the four of us to find ourselves in the warmth once again. Q added that although she missed the others, she preferred it when we took our holidays without X and Y. All was so much calmer when we gathered as a foursome.

It was at that very moment that X surprised us from behind. Y followed her. With their arrival our holiday destination suddenly switched back to Manchester and the miserable British weather. We travelled through the grey streets in a white transit van, with TPR at the wheel. I sat next to Y on the back seat and started to misbehave, in full knowledge of his secret passion for me. X knew what was going on, but I ignored her hard stare. When X resorted to accusing me directly of flirting with her husband, I denied everything. I tried to change the subject by pointing out Manchester’s replica of Oxford’s Hertford Bridge (the Bridge of Sighs), my new offices at Salford University, and the city’s operational (unlike Edinburgh’s) tram system.

I later felt embarrassed about my bad behaviour. I sought out X to apologise. When I eventually found her at the far end of the canal I was shocked at her appearance. She looked so small, tired and grey. Then she started to throw up. I put my arms around her in comfort and promised that I would meet her again, on her own, when she felt better. I proposed a day out in York or Sheffield by train. I then headed back to the others once more. Meanwhile I left X in peace to shrink down to the size of a toddler.

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The perfect Christmas pudding (Rousse)

When I saw my mother-in-law add two teaspoons of Fairy Liquid to her mix, I finally understood why I hated the taste of Christmas pudding.

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A tandem upgrade and trying twins (Rousse)

I peered out of the car window to the left and gazed up at the faded wooden sign. In peeling red and green paint, it advertised a long defunct fishmonger. Just here, where we were now queuing in traffic, there must have been a market of some kind in the past. “That would make a nice photograph”, I thought.

I turned to the face the traffic lights and noticed that they were back on green, and that there were no cars ahead of us. We’d been waiting here for over ten minutes, yet TPR made no move to accelerate. “You’re missing something”, he said, “And I’ll set off again once you notice”.

I then remembered that it was my birthday. Perhaps this was something to do with a special treat? I turned to look for clues in the back of the car, and there I found one: Ged, the man who had sold us our first tandem, was grinning at me from behind the driver’s seat. This was interesting: could a tandem upgrade be imminent?

“Follow that cab!” shouted Ged, and TPR put his foot down. I could just about make out the passengers in the vehicle in front as it zoomed through a red light over Dundas Street. I couldn’t quite understand how this odd mix of vague work acquaintances was travelling in the cab with the friends of a long-dead work colleague. What had they to do with my birthday treat and a bicycle seller?

At our eventual destination the birthday present was on display: a green tandem frame made from the lightest of materials. Once we had selected the rest of the components, this would become our transport of choice.

In the meantime I had to rush off to a lecture attended by blonde eight year old pea-in-a-pod twin girls who bored everyone senseless by insisting that they were not identical, and my parents who had to be specially rounded up because they were 15 minutes late wandering the corridors of campus. The cab passengers made up the rest of the audience, keen to hear what I had to say. It was a great pity that I had nothing prepared.

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Time travelling robot dancers (Belle)

As I walked down Lewisham High Street I realised I had been transported back in time. How else could I explain the mysterious re-appearance of Chiesemans Department Store? Stopping to look upwards to appreciate the moment, I noticed several performers standing on top of the buildings on either side of the high street. Dressed in skin-tight suits, they began to perform robot dances.

Later, the star of the robot show took to the stage in a local pub. In a review for the local press, I wrote that she had ‘raspberry-flavoured’ hair, and was much mocked by my colleagues.

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