Super-sexy penmanship (Belle)

We were having a sociable coffee before dispersing to our desks. A new senior manager had been put in charge and several people were moaning. I didn’t want to tell them that since I had seen the hand-written brown label that our new leader had written, I had been keenly anticipating meeting him. How could they not know that fountain pen ownership and handwriting skills were both indications of ‘super-sexiness’?

I left the meeting and walked around the square to my own workplace. As I tried to make my way to work, my path was blocked by a candle-lit procession of Victorian undertakers and mourners.

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The world’s most beautiful identical triplets (Rousse)

It had been a very long journey over the hills by tandem and car, but now we were finally in Canada and about to meet yet another set of cousins. I couldn’t wait to see the three girls known as the “world’s most beautiful identical triplets” and discover for myself whether they were really as stupid as everyone else kept telling me.

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Prime Minister brought low by Belle

David Cameron’s government had toppled and it was all my own work!

Although working in a cubicle at a seemingly dull clerical job I had uncovered ‘the truth about Europe’. Only five Conservative Party MPs truly believed in the European Union. The others had simply been pretending.

A 12″ commemorative record was planned to celebrate this event and I was sorry to note that my name did not appear on the picture sleeve (although my friend JB’s name was there). Could I have over-estimated my contribution to the whole affair?

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From Merchiston to Sighthill with a fountain pen (Rousse)

I decided to sign all the paving stones between Merchiston and Sighthill with my best fountain pen. It was quite along way and I didn’t finish the job, but now at least 30% of the slabs were marked up. To cover my tracks I used my sister S’s name rather than my own.

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Rousse recovers from a fashion faux pas by dancing the bare-topped tango

Perhaps the reunion was a failure because it was organised by a black and white border collie?

I felt uncomfortable from the moment that I arrived. Two girls from my sixth form English class, N and C, were the first to greet me. While N held her baby tight to her chest, C launched into a full-blown analysis of the shocking state of my dress. What displeased her most were my burgundy pop socks worn inside out, and how they drew attention to the pale flesh of my stocky legs. Why on earth did I put on a short second-hand White Stuff tunic dress for an event such as this?

The next person to approach me was much more friendly. Although we had been contemporaries at the University of Birmingham in the 1980s, I didn’t recognise him. He told me that he had read Spanish, and had spent his year abroad in South America where he had learnt to dance. He asked me to throw off my tunic dress and bra and join him in a bare-topped tango. I grinned over at N and C as they looked on with envy.

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Rousse ventures inside the female body

Inside the female body turned out to be a fascinating exhibition. TPR and I called into the Dundee gallery on our way north to peer in awe at the body parts dyed different colours and mounted on display. The whole experience was a technicolour biology lesson of the internal workings of the female form.

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Shipping innovation combats the effects of global warming in the North West Passage (Rousse)

Global warming meant that the North West Passage was running dry. Our ship soon hit the rocky, waterless gorge, yet miraculously it managed to plough on. When I asked how this was possible, the captain explained that all modern ships now carry water supplies for instances such as this. We were in fact cruising along on recycled water generated by the ship itself.

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Batty 50th birthday ideas (Rousse)

It seemed perfectly logical to share my significant birthday celebrations with a friend. So when JLW asked me if I’d like to host a joint party with A, I agreed enthusiastically.

It didn’t occur to me at the time that it was a little strange that a 50 year old and a toddler would join forces in such a way. A further practical difficulty was that we were born on dates six months apart. That meant that I would have to wait until the autumn for “my” party.

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Tom Cruise manoeuvres to reach Hexham in a hurry (Rousse)

We had to reach Hexham in a hurry. We left so quickly that there wasn’t even time to try the figs in red wine. They looked so tempting, sitting in the silver platter on the sideboard.

TPR and I took the Volvo and my mother and sister S climbed into the Landrover. There was snow on the ground, but we coped well – until S decided that she would play Tom Cruise and leap from the roof of the Landrover to the bonnet of the Volvo when both vehicles were travelling at top speed.

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Smiths fans reveal enthusiasm for music, whisky and roll-ups (Rousse)

Whisky by Brendan MacNeill

Whisky by Brendan MacNeill

By the end of the week-long workshop I had finally made a couple of friends. These two lads shared my enthusiasm for the Smiths, and were impressed that I always had on my body the coolest of accessories: a 100ml bottle of whisky, a pack of Rizlas, and a couple of ounces of the finest tobacco.

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