I accepted the job with the Trump lookalike at his stationery emporium, even though each of us had doubts about the other.
My biggest gripe was that he kept dodging my questions about a contract. On the first day of my new role, I still had no idea of my salary. Then there was the issue of my educational track record. Apparently a maths O level from the 1970s was no longer valid in 2024. My new boss sent me to the local comprehensive to join a class of third years and prepare for the maths examination currently taken by 16 year-olds.
On my first day at school, I sat in the second row in the maths class. I could see the open exercise book of the teenage girl seated in front of me. It was covered in hand-written notations that meant absolutely nothing to me. This was going to be so hard.
However, when I asked her about this strange form of algebra, the girl responded with mocking laughter. Had I never seen the lyrics of David Bowie’s songs in his favoured script before?! While this was a rude reply, it was somewhat cheering to know that I wouldn’t need to learn an extensive new set of symbols in preparation for the exam.
I was also very pleased when one of the teachers – a Dr Somebody-or-Other with a mass of frizzy hair – told the class that definitions were part of the syllabus. ‘Get all of them right on the paper’, he explained ‘and you would get a D, even if you left all the other answers blank’.
‘Is a D a pass?’ I hissed at the girl to the left of me.
‘Yes’ she replied.
I was good at definitions. All I needed to do now was to write to the exam board to request the definition list and commit all the entries to memory. A grade D pass would suit me fine.
The same afternoon there was a school trip to watch ‘Wild swimming Shakespeare’. The entire school was in attendance. When most of the teachers and pupils were in the water I spotted a gang of boys (including one bouncing along on two metal false legs) working their way through the coats and bags that were piled up at the side of the swimming pond. I raced after them to retrieve my own blue leather handbag (still intact) and a black one that belonged to one of the teachers (now missing).
After the adventures of my first day at school, I remarked to TPR that it was probably not the best idea to return to employment at this stage of my life.
Dreamaticus 