Secret ceramics slicer swindler (Rousse)

Posted on May 4, 2024 by Dreamaticus

I knew that I had overstayed my welcome, living out of the contents of two large black bin bags in the spare room of my new, elderly friends.

My gift of three pretty decorated saucers cut in half was probably not adequate compensation for the kindness that they had shown me. In fact, I was in the bedroom deciding on the next saucer to slice (perhaps the sunflower one?) when my visit was brought to an abrupt end.

My hosts’ family members had reported me to the police for an act of fraud. Somehow, I had sold the couple’s cottage in the Cotswolds and pocketed the proceeds. Given that I didn’t even know that they owned another property, my arrest came as a terrible shock.

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Top civil servant caught in tearful embrace (Rousse)

Posted on May 4, 2024 by Dreamaticus

DMcN didn’t pursue a career as a dentist, but instead joined the civil service. We caught sight of her dressed in a tailored black suit, coming out of a meeting carrying a dossier of government papers.

She stopped dead in her tracks on recognising old friends from her undergraduate days. We all stepped forward for a group hug and tears.

Then, resuming her professional stance, the top civil servant brushed herself down and set off on her mission again to deliver her clutch of precious documents.

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Brand new bike giveaway (Rousse)

Posted on May 2, 2024 by Dreamaticus

A woman opened the shed door, pulled out my bike, and rode away on it.

TPR explained that he had given it away to her because I hadn’t been using it.

‘That’s because it is winter’, I responded, doing all I could to hide my distress.

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Lost in the Paris RER (Rousse)

Posted on April 24, 2024 by Dreamaticus

I lost TPR and LF in the maze of a Paris RER station on our way back to the main venue of the incentive holiday.  When they boarded the train heading in the right direction, I went the opposite way.

Since TPR was carrying all our valuables – train tickets, bank cards, phones, and cash – I had to rely on my wits to find a way back to our hotel. I made my way to the ticket office at the next station and cornered a member of staff. Then, with supreme effort, I managed to dredge up enough French to plead for help.

The station official was delighted with my archaic, extremely polite, and (surprisingly) grammatically accurate request – so much so that she made it her personal responsibility to guide me all the way back to the Hilton hotel at no charge.

En route we ran into a bunch of my friends. I must have offended them because DTJ ignored me, SC did not pick up on my compliments on her beautiful teeth and new slim frame, and LB chose to sleep between the train lines rather than engage in conversation with me.

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Petting super furry golden brown bunnies (Rousse)

Posted on April 21, 2024 by Dreamaticus

My friend invited me round to see her latest pets: two golden brown bunnies.

They were so soft to touch, and didn’t seem to mind being petted. I was surprised to feel such tiny bodies under the mass of fur.

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Washington and back in a day (Rousse)

Posted on April 21, 2024 by Dreamaticus

TPR couldn’t wait for the delivery of his computer part so he flew to Washington and back in a single day.

This seemed rather excessive to me, especially since the value of the part was only £3.

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Bob Mortimer and a goth girl threesome (Rousse)

Posted on April 21, 2024 by Dreamaticus

I spotted Bob Mortimer in the huge audience at another comedian’s anniversary retrospective. At the start of the performance he sat in his seat just like everyone else. However, after a few minutes I noticed that he was running from row to row passing a Polaroid camera from one audience member to the next. It looked like he was asking all in the theatre to photograph themselves, perhaps to make a souvenir photo album for the star of the show?

I became more and more anxious as Mortimer worked his way to where I was sitting. This was because TPR had absented himself for a trip to the lavatory and a goth girl had landed in his seat.

In the event I needn’t have worried. TPR made it back in time and we snapped a great threesome selfie with the goth.

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The Canterbury Tales and careers training (Rousse)

Posted on April 21, 2024 by Dreamaticus

We drove to Paisley, looking forward to the careers training session. We were especially pleased that JM had managed to secure a place after someone else had cancelled theirs.

The venue was a great disappointment. It was a shabby wood panelled room above a pub. It also soon became obvious that the level at which the training was to be delivered was far beneath our own expertise. We really wanted to leave, but stayed out of a sense of guilt and embarrassment.

Bored with the course content, I started to play with my phone. When the lecturer spotted this, she made a bizarre prediction:

‘You’ll never win first prize in the Canterbury Tales‘.

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Moth escape (Rousse)

Posted on April 15, 2024 by Dreamaticus

TPR and I were halfway across town when we realised that we had abandoned our elderly charge at home without leaving details of our whereabouts. We made an about turn and rushed back to the house, praying that she had not missed us.

When we walked through the front door, I took off my coat – and in doing so released hundreds of moths into the hall.

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Traitors, faithfuls, and the University of Birmingham Ballroom Dancing Society (Rousse)

Posted on April 12, 2024 by Dreamaticus

Playing a traitor was not as easy as it looked, especially when the other two insisted on tailing me as I wandered around the building. We spent so much time apart from the others that when I asked a prominent faithful if she would like to join forces to share notes, she refused.

Instead I was forced to watch old friends work their way through an ancient ledger of the University of Birmingham Ballroom Dancing Society, hunting for their names in attendance lists from the early 1980s. Such records, if found, would supposedly prove that they were faithful.

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