I knew that my Granny T had been to Australia a couple of times in her later life to see my Uncle J, but until I saw the photos of her standing proudly outside the Parkes Observatory in New South Wales, I had no idea that her visits were partly motivated by an amateur interest in astrophysics.
My new mode of transport was a three foot tall, four-basket, vegetable rack on wheels. Travelling down Edinburgh’s Broughton Street at top speed on this splendid vehicle saved me twenty minutes a day. Sometimes I bounced along the pavement. As an alternative I was just as happy racing the cars on the road.
I paid a super-discounted fare to travel from Edinburgh to London by train and back again. The service was so good that I made it in good time for my meeting at 11:00, and by 16:00 I was back in my seat heading north.
The only thing that I didn’t like about travelling on this type of ticket was the requirement at Berwick-upon-Tweed to get off the train and sit in a locker the size of a domestic washing machine with other discount passengers while the carriages were serviced. I tried to get out of this by claiming that I suffered from claustrophobia. My pleas were ignored and I was forced into the locker regardless.
Later I got chatting the blonde woman who ran the discount fare company. When I heard that her entire working week comprised travelling up and down the east coast selling and checking rail tickets I wondered whether this could be the job for me. I love the train! Then I learnt that the salary for the role was just £11,000 and you had to work weekends. Suddenly it was a far less attractive career option.
I laughed like a drain at Sarah Millican’s joke. The concept of a musical act called the “Beatlehovens” was pure genius.
I was a menace behind the wheel. My latest driving disaster was to crash my way through Stockbridge up to Howe Street. Someone really needed to confiscate my licence.
My ambition was to earn a degree in fine art. The first step to my new career was to return to the sixth form to embark on a one-year foundation course. So I applied to join the Bath and Wells College, located not far from my cousins’ farm.
I made an effort to settle into my new life in Somerset before the start of the new academic year. My first social event was a fund-raising afternoon in the village hall. I chatted to people I had met before at my cousins’ parties, played with strangers’ children, and shared the joy of the man sitting next to me when he won a free Sky television subscription in the raffle.
I’d done it again: of the two suitors who came my way, I ended up with the inferior one. I wondered how long I could keep him at bay before TPR appeared on the scene. Surely he’d turn up soon?
I had already clocked up one divorce so it was a dreadful day when TPR admitted that he had “gone off” me.
Adapting to a single life was no fun at all. I tried going out with the girls from university (including SPC) and others from school (AMcN, CM) but I had simply forgotten how to behave as an unattached woman.
Then I bumped into TPR at a hotel. He had changed his mind and wanted me back. Thank goodness he hadn’t mentioned any of this to his mother: no damage had been done.
After dropping out of university, PM had pursued a career in insurance – or so we believed. I’d certainly not expected him to become the inventor of intelligent bubble wrap. He rolled some out across a workshop table to show off its special properties. With a slightly blueish hue, it moved about on its own accord. PM explained that it had many applications over and above parcelling fragile objects: some people even liked to wear intelligent bubble wrap boiler suits over their ordinary clothes.
While PM continued to enthuse about intelligent bubble wrap I checked my watch. It was 14:45 and my flight left at 15:45. We’d spent far too long admiring PM’s marvellous invention. I needed to get to the airport fast – now! PM told me not to worry, I’d easily make my flight.
Unfortunately I lost my purple carry-on suitcase and all my belongings at Heathrow Airport. Without any identification I could not board a plane. I was stuck here forever until my luggage was found. My only hope of escape from the airport came when RL brought me my iPhone. My next priority would be to buy an iPad mini from duty free – once someone gave me some money.
Dreamaticus 