Snow and stovies on election day (Rousse)

When we tried to go outside we found a metre of snow banked up against the back door. I asked TPR not to touch it while I made a dash for my camera. He disobeyed me, and immediately got started on making smiley face snow sculptures.

Then I remembered that it was voting day. I pulled on some brown leggings and wrapped the upper half of my body in my duvet for the short walk down to the polling station. There was jovial atmosphere amongst the voters. Some men were drinking pints, and everyone in the queue was offered stovies. My portion was somewhat disappointing, however, due to its excessive fat content.

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A ‘single mingle’ dinner party (Belle)

About a dozen eager singles took their places around the dark wood dining table.  The candles were lit and the bowls of fruit shone in the flickering light.  It really was a wonderful setting.

Making polite conversation I asked the woman sitting next to me what she did for a living.  “I’m a continuity announcer for CBeebies“, she said.  I felt immediately crushed by how dull I was.

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Northumberland to Newbury the roundabout way (Rousse)

Perhaps it was a mistake to allow the youngest member of our party to drive? The small, slim woman made so many navigational mistakes that we ended up travelling from Hexham to Corbridge via Norton. It took three hours to travel just 11 miles. At this rate it would be weeks before we reached Newbury.

A further problem was that I was expected to snog the dog. This was completely out of the question, no matter how handsome a creature he was in his shiny black and tan coat.

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Dietary advice as the Pogues play Leith Walk (Rousse)

When the bill arrived I could not understand why it only came to £10.50. Surely it cost more to see the Pogues in concert on Leith Walk?

SE paid with his credit card. Then someone I barely knew gave him a ready meal chicken salad with the instruction that he needed to lose some weight.

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Elevator danger (Rousse)

AL gave up his usual duties as a computing academic for life as an elevator operator. His lift was very dangerous: instead of steel, the sides were made from 1970s blue and white flowery curtains.

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Rousse the terrorist and Belle the gangster’s moll (Rousse)

I left the swimming pool at about 2:30am when I noticed that all the lights had gone out and the staff had disappeared. I caught the lift to the third floor, found my room, and pushed open the door.

The room was crammed with big, burly members of the US police force, all with their guns trained on me. Their leader, an enormous woman, explained their presence. They knew that I was involved in terrorist plots that had already led to deaths in London and – on that basis – I was under arrest.

It was true. I had set up some meetings by email, although I believed that nobody knew this.

What really worried me, however, was that now that I had been identified, Belle would be under suspicion too. She would have to stop the Catford gangsters subbing her luxurious lifestyle. Otherwise the authorities would believe that her ‘dirty money’ came from the same sources as mine.

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More parking misery in Edinburgh (Rousse)

TPR looked great in the smart chauffeur’s uniform. He parked the Rolls Royce, dropped off his charges, and spent the afternoon with me.

When he returned to his duties TPR found that the traffic wardens had plastered the vehicle with parking tickets. Who was responsible for paying for them: his employer, or TPR himself? Or perhaps he could persuade the traffic wardens that it would be extremely mean to fine a couple who had made a special trip to Edinburgh to get married?

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Exciting nail polish fashion and a new home at the castle (Rousse)

When TF stood up from his seat on the lower deck of the Glasgow Routemaster bus, I assumed that we had reached our stop. I was wrong. The bus was taking the reverse route so we would be on-board for much longer than expected. It would therefore be more interesting to move to seats upstairs. On the upper deck I sat next to a hairy-legged woman who had painted her the flesh of her bare feet lime green with nail polish.

At our destination we sat down to dinner at a long Georgian table. While the others discussed my personal wealth (or lack of it), TPR searched estate agents’ sites on the Internet until he finally identified DT’s new home. How exciting that she was moving into a castle!

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Unique accommodation and party provision for Newcastle University students (Rousse)

At Newcastle University the students slept together stacked on open wooden shelves, not unlike enormous upturned printers’ blocks. They all used special fixed-gear bicycles to scale the high walls to reach their wooden cells. Unfortunately the sleeping space was very limited because the cells were also where the students held all their personal belongings, including multiple boxes of breakfast cereal.

The students’ timetables were also unlike those of other universities. Alongside their classes, the University also scheduled all parties and social events.

The only thing that worried me was print publicity for a smoking cessation course. Featured on the brochure blowing smoke rings at one another were my little sister and my niece.

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Dashed hopes of a career in consulting (Rousse)

X couldn’t wait to watch me read the emailed offer.

“Look at this”, he enthused. “£1000 a day just to give advice. I can’t wait to get started on this project with you!”

Once again he had completely misunderstood. First, I was not interested in taking on any extra work, no matter how well paid. Second, without me nobody would appoint him to such a contract. Everyone knew who was really responsible for all the output of our supposed ‘partnership’. X’s hopes for a career in consulting were completely unrealistic.

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