My cousin EV asked if we could look after her newborn baby. I was very nervous about accepting the invitation, especially since the baby was only the size of a broad bean. It was obvious that this would be a very stressful exercise. I also wondered why EV had no interest in her own child.
To make things easier (so she thought) EV passed over a backup baby too. This meant that if the first one died, we’d have a second in reserve.
In the event TPR and my sister S took a baby each. TPR carried his in a matchbox. Meanwhile S rummaged through our mother’s sewing box looking for some green felt in which to wrap her charge. Neither baby cried, not even when coated with cinnamon. TPR told me that he remembered to feed his, although I never witnessed this.
After a couple of days the broad bean babies were no more. They had transformed into a couple of polished aconite fossils.
Dreamaticus 
Jaded academic seeks oblivion with the help of yellow jellied cocaine (Rousse)
It took us a while to find the meeting on the top floor of a deserted University building. The venue was a formal board room, and it was packed. All the great and good were there, including KW who greeted me as an old adversary, even though we had never shared a cross word.
Also in attendance was A, who seemed to have been sparing for a fight. It sounded like he had dragged some new people into a debate that should have been left buried back in 2014. I hoped that I wouldn’t be called up to comment.
Proceedings were brought to order by Robert Gordon University PhD graduate R. He asked us to work in groups on a number of tasks. My plan to maintain a low profile was thwarted when it became obvious that I was the only member of my group known to everyone else in the room. This meant that I was obliged to act as group leader and report back on our conclusions.
Perhaps this is why I sloped off to a bedroom with a supply of yellow jellied cocaine that had been kindly given to me by the Caribbean multi-millionaire drug dealing boyfriend of one of my students? I popped the coloured jelly into my mouth and waited for oblivion to take me.
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