TPR and I stepped out into the beautiful sunshine. The sky was blue from horizon to horizon. It really was a lovely day.
Dart-shaped bombs that dropped out of the sky shattered the peace. They were launched by the British armed services. Why were they so intent on killing us?
I publicly mocked my friend and colleague X in a meeting for uttering the redundant phrase ‘Going forward’.
I later apologised for doing so. I hung my head in shame.
We moved into a tiny flat in a modern block that offered a range of accommodation, including fully-serviced apartments. Our flatmates included JC and AC. Space was so tight that the dishwasher was kept in the bathroom. There really wasn’t enough room for all of us.
One day when I was due on campus at 9:00am I accidentally got locked out of the flat. All I was wearing was a pair of pyjamas. I was also carrying a spare bicycle tyre over my shoulders. I struggled to explain to the staff on the service desk that I needed to get back into my accommodation. My main problem was that I forgot the flat number and, of course, all the flats looked the same. Another was that the desk staff were lazy and lacked interest in the dilemmas of the people queuing up for help.
Later I found RH in the canteen. He was finishing off his breakfast and flirting with the waiting staff. When I told him that I would be moved into new accommodation he concluded that we would soon be close neighbours.
For NP’s hen night we trotted around the Pentland Hills in an open horse-drawn carriage. It was only now that DT admitted how uncomfortable it had been for her to do so when six months pregnant.
This didn’t add up to me. DT was not expecting a baby two years ago, and I couldn’t remember the trip at all. Had we really done this? Why was there no photographic evidence?
Now, at the height of summer, some of us were planning to ‘return’ to the site of the hen party. In the warmer weather there was a possibility of taking to the water on this occasion.
However, I had more serious issues on my mind. My top priority was my soon-to-be ex-husband. He had decided to leave me on the grounds of my burgeoning size. Dare I hope that I could change his mind?
The latest hosiery trend for both men and women was wallpapered legs. TPR showed his to me. He had patched together left-over scraps of the purple tulip wallpaper to create his new look.
I wasn’t too sure about such a bizarre fashion craze. Had they not considered that some people might be allergic to wallpaper paste? And what about going out in the rain with papered legs? The entire look would be spoilt due to splattering.
We were walking in the middle of the muddy countryside and the night seemed to fall quickly. Suddenly the brightest lights in the world were shining out of a natural amphitheatre.
Crawling on our tummies, we peered down and realised exactly what was happening. The Koreans were faking an alien invasion!
We weren’t the only ones to find out though. Ahead of us, someone was taking photographs with a bright flash. The soldiers saw the flash and naturally thought we were the spies. “RUN!” I cried.
I had had enough of these vacuous women coated in foundation who clearly believed that I and others were letting the side down by refusing to wear make-up. This was such a trivial issue.
‘What about climate change, poverty, and the forced movements of people?’ I screamed.
When the small dark woman with purple hair came to take a photo of me I snapped her camera in half. She burst into tears and I felt terribly sad. She had only been obeying orders.
This was going to be a fun flight. I’d already teased the party of three lads (two of whom who looked like twins) by ‘guessing’ correctly that they came from Carlisle. I was not, however, psychic. I had discovered this information on a luggage label attached to one of their bags.
When the man sitting next to me moved I now had two seats to myself. Better still, across the aisle were three empty seats in a row. I asked the air steward if I could move over there for the night. She asked whether I might prefer an entire in-flight bedroom.
Just off the main cabin was a large room that contained two small single beds, alongside a double. Apparently my father-in-law had already turned down the double – I had no idea why – but I wasn’t prepared to miss out on the possibility of a good night’s sleep between Canada and the UK. I unpacked my little case, popped my toothbrush and toothpaste by the tiny basin, and settled in for the night.
There were, however, numerous flight delays and often when I looked out of the window I could tell that we were hardly moving at all. At one point we lost some passengers in the snow beneath us. I hoped that none was TPR.
TPR and I moved to Texas, where I took a job at a university at which DT was a student. I was extremely grateful that each day DT gave me a lift to work.
One day DT explained that she was planning to take a holiday. Her family was pleased to offer me the use of any of their huge fleet of cars while she was away.
This was extremely kind, but I was still terrified of taking to the road in a huge American vehicle on the wrong side of the road without a gear-stick.
I left my book group pals at the table to greet my Uncle J. He was back in the UK for one last trip. Despite his advanced years he was looking great. Most notable was his full head of dark brown hair.
Dreamaticus 