Death by blister (Rousse)

Posted on March 29, 2017 by Dreamaticus

Conical blisters circled my wrists and upper arms like three-dimensional pink tattoos.

Some might have called them pretty, if only they had not signalled my imminent death.

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Kevin Spacey’s secret love (Rousse)

Posted on March 28, 2017 by Dreamaticus

Kevin Spacey somehow managed to get a secret message to me: he wanted me in his bed – now. I made my way to the front of the auditorium and climbed in – next to a Chinese man and woman, another woman with grey hair, and a very camp man. I’d never heard of a six-some before!

Before I had time to consider the possible logistics of our mass encounter the other five participants left me. Five minutes later I understood why. They were all actors in the play that was about to start and needed to dress for their parts.

When they reappeared in wigs and make-up I returned to where I belonged: back amongst the rest of the audience, next to JM.

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A compromise husband and security failure (Rousse)

Posted on March 27, 2017 by Dreamaticus

I needed a new husband. David looked like he might fit the bill. He was young, kind, had a good job in student services at the University, and seemed willing to go along with this plan. (However, he had fair hair and was nowhere near as fit as TPR.)

One day when I was waiting for David on campus I lost my shoes and my camera. I believed that they had been stolen. This was all Belle’s fault. She was meant to be in charge of security and had clearly failed in her duties.

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Stephen Fry heads to the Pennines with Hugh Laurie in hope of a big prize (Rousse)

Posted on March 27, 2017 by Dreamaticus

We soon came across the reconstructed neolithic settlements in the Pennines. Everyone else was keen to pay the entrance fee to visit the tiny houses and talk to the ‘inhabitants’. I felt like I had seen it all before so I sat outside the complex with some others who wanted to do the same.

Amongst my companions were Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie. One minute they were friendly towards me. The next they ignored me.

They were in the area for an awards ceremony. It was rumoured that Fry would win the big prize.

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A fellow millionaire (Rousse)

Posted on March 25, 2017 by Dreamaticus

I picked up the call on my mobile in the car.

‘Congratulations’ said the posh man, ‘You have won £1,000,000’.

‘Who is this?’ I asked.

‘I’m phoning from the Royal Society of Edinburgh. All Fellows are automatically entered into our prize draw every month. You are this month’s winner’.

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Chinese burns in Cincinnati (Rousse)

Posted on March 25, 2017 by Dreamaticus

We were going to join FR in the US. The idea was to first fly to her town in the north. then we would travel south with her to Cincinnati. We checked our bikes in as hold luggage in the UK in the hope that we would have the opportunity of cycling once we arrived in America.

At home in the US FR was able to regress to childhood at will – both physically and mentally. We could have coped with this (just), but she was also accompanied by a minder at all times. His behaviour was fine when she was an eight year-old child, but he turned into a cruel monster when she was an adult.

Whenever I stepped forward to protect her from him, he administered excruciating Chinese burns to my arms. Neither TPR nor my Uncle P were brave enough to confront him.

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Ranting, raging, decorating, and bathing at the White House (Rousse)

Posted on March 22, 2017 by Dreamaticus

I stormed into my sister J’s bedroom at the White House where I knew that I would find my mother.

‘She’s done it again!’ I raged.

‘What now?’

‘She’s “redecorated” the room next to the bathroom in her own ridiculous style with brown paper and oddly shaped stick-on white lettering. Why does everything in this house have to fit with her preferences?’

My mother was about to put up a defence of S, but I was not prepared to listen to it. I left straight for the bathroom.

There I found my colleague HSX sitting naked in the basin while waiting for the bath to fill. He told me that it was easier to bathe in two stages due to his size.

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How to throw out a husband who will not leave (Rousse)

Posted on March 21, 2017 by Dreamaticus

My school friend AL had been living for some time with her family in an old hotel. They had never bothered to convert the building, so there was still an institutional feel around the place.

When I first arrived, AL was being comforted by her sister A. She was wailing that she wanted to throw out her husband, but had no idea how to achieve this. Meanwhile he was refusing to budge.

‘Good luck’, I said. ‘It took my friend five years to get rid of hers’.

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Bare tummy snuggling (Rousse)

Posted on March 20, 2017 by Dreamaticus

I’d never appreciated how much I loved my colleague BMX until the day that we lay on the grass and I snuggled up to his bare tummy.

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Fort William loch lift (Rousse)

Posted on March 20, 2017 by Dreamaticus

We were expected to follow cousin LA’s Audi down the M6 on a long tour of England. When she went off-piste into the Scottish mountains we struggled to keep up with her.

I suggested that we ditch the car for the tandem. At first TPR was not so sure because the bike had not yet been serviced for the season. When I pointed out that we could wheel it to the side of the loch, hail a ferry, and hitch a lift all the way to Fort William, he began to like my idea.

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