Sunny South Shields shelters skiers (Rousse)

We were travelling to our Alpine ski holiday on an early morning flight from Newcastle airport – as, it would appear, was half the population of the north east of England. All the airport hotels were fully booked, so we took advantage of South Tyneside Council’s offer to host one night stays in a temporary camp site on the beach at South Shields.

TPR and I squeezed ourselves into the last remaining sand dune pitch. Our hearts sank when we saw our immediate neighbours: a huge family of three generations that included at least one toddler and a baby, and a couple testing out a DIY tattoo kit on one another’s legs.

When the grandfather of the family lit a cigarette, I had no choice but to ‘have words’ with him. We managed to maintain civility between us as we agreed a couple of concessions: he would smoke away from us all provided that I looked after the baby while he was gone.

My duties over, I took off along the beach for a wonderful run to the far end of the bay where enormous rollers crashed up the shore. I had no idea that the seaside of South Shields was so beautiful.

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Disgruntled passengers make illegal leap from Lothian bus (Rousse)

The bus took a ludicrous route. Even though most of the passengers wanted to get off at Princes Street, they were forced to endure an hour’s diversion to Heriot-Watt University first. This was because the bus did not have an official stop when heading west along the main street of Scotland’s capital city.

The more rebellious passengers were not going to put up with this. Instead they leapt out of the bus when it was stationery at the traffic lights outside St John’s church. TPR and I were amongst this group. However, it was a difficult manoeuvre, and everyone who escaped accidentally ended up taking part of the bus with them.  We threw these bits of metal over the railings into Princes Street garden, hoping that our crime would not be captured on CCTV.

Once free of Lothian buses, TPR and I headed home with our new companions: a pair of small, young but house-trained, border collies.

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Motoring misdemeanours in a silver Volvo automatic (Rousse)

When I awoke I found myself at the wheel of my mother’s silver Volvo automatic heading downhill at top speed along a high-hedged, narrow country lane. I bounced across the roundabout at the bottom, lost a wheel, and landed the car on a grass verge. Within minutes the police were on the scene, and I was taken into custody.

The police station was in chaos. I wondered how anyone managed to make sense of the mess of evidence scattered all over the place to make a single conviction.

When I spotted a Volvo wheel hub on the floor, I knew that this single artefact would seal my fate. I prayed that my mother would never hear of my motoring misdemeanours.

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Discussing death by drain (Rousse)

I managed to set up a sewer-phone line to P and SM by lifting a manhole cover in the street.

We discussed by drain the death of Durham University undergraduate KF, and how we would deal with her parents later in the week.

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Tube traveller thieves (Rousse)

We developed a new income stream: pick-pocketing London Tube passengers as they travelled up and down the escalators.

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An impromptu pedicure with Jose Mourinho (Belle)

The football apprentices were housed in a derelict farm building and we were standing on a farm gate staring in at their sad little faces. Then their manager Jose Mourinho turned up and demanded that they perform impromptu pedicures on me and my companion. I felt humiliated for myself and the footballers. If only I’d shaved my toes!

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From Birmingham to Edinburgh by Lomax (Rousse)

I lost all sense of urgency to catch a train from Birmingham New Street to London, knowing that another would be along in fifteen minutes. What I failed to appreciate was that I had to reach the capital by a certain time in order to catch the connecting service to Edinburgh.

In the end I left it far too late and my only option for heading home now was in a Lomax with DMcL.

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Fine art tips from a hairdresser (Rousse)

I fancied myself as a fine art dealer, so I angled for a part-time position working in an antiques emporium run by my hairdresser.

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Last minute accommodation in Glasgow (Rousse)

The timing of the AGM at midnight assumed that all participants were also delegates at the conference with overnight accommodation booked in Glasgow.

This was not the case for me and CW. We had travelled over from Edinburgh for the meeting only, so now we were stuck in Glasgow with nowhere to stay at a time of night when no trains were running. I suggested that we cross the motorway and see if any of the budget hotels on the other side of town happened to have a room for us.

When we walked out into the plaza I noticed a group of middle-aged women. As we neared them I realised that I knew them all. Here were the T twins, RF, JS and a whole load of others from my year group at school. Best of all, JP (now JC) was with them. I quickly confirmed that they had hotel rooms for the night and booked my spot in JC’s bed. It sounded like there would also be room there for CW too.

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Smoking spliffs in the sunshine (Rousse)

In the scorching heat at a family picnic JMH and JLR sat on the car bonnet and smoked spliffs. Meanwhile FDS played in the sunshine and I sheltered in the shade.

We returned home by tram along the yellow painted roller-coaster tracks that led down the from Pentlands hills towards the Firth of Forth, just past Edinburgh airport.

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