T the dog joined a monastery and started to wear a tiny brown habit. His official role was mouse-catcher although he let the mice go after he caught them.
The CEO arrived at a building site to address a small group of men. Instead of making the expected business announcement, he said “Four of you are gay” and left the room. Everyone cheered.
Tom Hiddleston locked us into the hotel lobby toilet. He was much more into it than I was. I kept thinking about the bathroom I was supposed to be deep cleaning.
Later, outside in the slush and snow, local yobbos were throwing grit onto the roads, flagging down passing motorists and then hanging on to their rear bumpers to go ‘poverty snowboarding’.
I was in Brazil to learn Portuguese. One day when I was out on the street (to steal a pair of black knickers to go with my navy blue patterned T shirt) I noticed from behind an old lady edging along the pavement. Balanced on two walking sticks, she was dressed in beige trousers and a yellow crocheted top.
Not long after I returned home I saw the old lady again. She walked into the house where I was staying and revealed herself. Now her face was visible, her identity was quite obvious. She was the image of JC! Since she was not JC’s mother, I could only conclude that she must be her long long auntie.
VAE and CM telephoned me from a ‘country fare’ style gift shop. VAE leant against a display of pink stilettos as she was speaking to me. She shouted in alarm when the first one on the shelf toppled over and the others followed domino-style.
It soon became obvious that every item displayed in the shop was attached to the one next to it. Within minutes the whole showroom was in complete disarray.
When TPR and I turned up at the shop soon afterwards the manager took one look at me and recalled in disgust that I had once shop-lifted a water bottle from her gift shop in Allendale.
VAE was ordered to clear up the mess, or pay a fine of £653.
All the animals – including ferocious lions and tigers – broke free from their enclosures at Edinburgh zoo. Fortunately I was in complete safety, high up in the cabin of my red tractor.
However, my fortunes changed when I later took a walk along the side of the canal. There I came face-to-face with a marine stegosaurus. I screamed, turned on my heel and ran – and counted myself lucky to escape with my life.
Whatever the reason that TPR stepped onto the platform at Morpeth, when he attempted to rejoin the service he accidentally climbed into the carriage of a different northbound train – non-stop to Pitlochry!
I screamed at him to disembark, but by the time that he heard me the Edinburgh train had already started to pull out of the station. It was all his fault that we were stranded.
I had no idea why current boyfriend (TM) had invited former boyfriend (JHI) out on a date with us. Everything was made more awkward by the addition of James Corden to our little group. Then JHI was kidnapped outside of Angel tube station and corralled into a sort of holding pen outside the bingo hall. Worst date ever.
Holy Island was looking rather Hebridean with its towering peaks and sandy lochs. I sat at the water’s edge with JMH trying to work out whether the island had switched coastlines. Had it somehow landed on the west coast of Scotland? When JMH pointed out the newly-built ‘executive homes’ across the water I declared that the Scottish planning process would never have given permission for such monstrosities: Holy Island was definitely still in England.
We returned to the mainland by ferry. I rescued the member of our party who lost her ticket by showing the £837 credit card receipt for the transport costs of our trip.
The ferry crew was curious as to the amount that I had paid for such a short journey. It all made sense to them, however, when I explained that MCF, PMF, AMF, RJH, IM et al were already on the deck and enjoying the sunshine as we sped back to the mainland.
Every cupboard I opened had a spectacular, kaleidoscopic mould growth. My colleagues were filthy pigs. I spent hours in rubber gloves scrubbing away.
In one cupboard I found a strange metal and glass object. At first, I thought it was a paste dress ring, but when I looked closer I saw it was a secret spy glass. When I held it to my eye, I could see what was happening in the next room. I slipped my new treasure in my pocket and went outside to stare at Gordon Ramsey’s railway arch. As I did so, he burst out of his door, taking part in a choreographed dance routine and holding a bottle of bleach.
Dreamaticus 