A place in the sun (Rousse)

Posted on May 14, 2019 by Dreamaticus

TPR and I bought a bungalow in the countryside. We planted a long border of plants in the garden and looked forward to relaxing there with books, in the sunshine, miles away from the shade of Edinburgh tenements.

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Tour guide drugs deal at the World Trade Center (Rousse)

Posted on May 14, 2019 by Dreamaticus

TPR and I wanted to take the guided tour of the World Trade Center, but there were no places available while all the staff were occupied looking after a huge party of school children.

At lunchtime all went quiet – including the tour desk which was now about to close for the rest of the day.

A large man also wanted to take a tour, so he took my hand and led me to the desk. There he kissed me on the cheek, with the promise that I (his fiancée) would love everything that I was about to see.

This gesture must have melted the official’s heart because suddenly a special tour was unexpectedly available. (This was absolutely nothing to do with the lump of cannabis resin that my new companion had just deftly slid across the counter.)

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Tuneless with teddies in bed on YouTube (Rousse)

Posted on May 14, 2019 by Dreamaticus

In the YouTube video JS lay in bed flanked by two handmade brushed cotton teddy bears – both creations of mine from the 1990s.  She was singing along to karaoke tunes selected by her husband RR.

I showed a clip to JG on the bus. We both agreed that the caterwauling was truly painful.

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Pig on the tube (Belle)

Posted on May 13, 2019 by Dreamaticus

At the Northern Line station, I walked behind a man and his pig negotiating the entry barriers.  After they got through, the pig took off running down the escalator. The man was chasing the pig, and screaming “Stop, pig” as other commuters scattered out of the way.

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A cradle corpse (Rousse)

Posted on May 12, 2019 by Dreamaticus

My track record with newborns was not good so I was somewhat reluctant when LM’s sister asked me if I would like to hold the baby.

While the baby was still in her aunt’s arms, I pulled back the white blanket and peeked at the tiny face. With that distinctive little nose, there was no mistaking the parentage of this child!

The family did not appreciate the risk of allowing me to take the baby. I tried to tell them that children die when I cradle them, but they did not believe me – until twenty minutes later when I handed back the tiny corpse.

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Rousse’s rich skip pickings

Posted on May 10, 2019 by Dreamaticus

My former neighbour was a wasteful interior designer. This was great news for me and the new occupant of the flat above mine. We could take our pick of all the items that the spendthrift had abandoned in the skip at the far end of the garden, next to the rusting car.

I was delighted with my ‘new’ blue silk Persian rug and Harris Tweed patchwork cape.

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Potential best-seller ‘discovered’ in old library refurbished as cosmetics hall (Rousse)

Posted on May 9, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I’d sneakily commandeered some excess shelving in the HQ of a revered learned society. Amongst the books, I left a mix of cardboard boxes and plastic crates stuffed with stationery and miscellaneous odd belongings for which there was no room in my flat.

On the day of the ball I returned to the building to find that the entire library had been kitted out as a cosmetics hall. Where once there were books there were now rows and rows of lipstick, eyeliner, and mascara – and my belongings were nowhere to be seen.

I confessed to a member of staff that I had ‘mislaid’ a couple of files in the old library. To my relief she explained that she had safely stored them during the refurbishment. I was so happy to hear this, not least because in one of the boxes was the only copy of the manuscript of my father’s novel (which I had promised to get published one day).

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A winning wedding combo (Rousse)

Posted on May 8, 2019 by Dreamaticus

MSB and I were famous: she for her fabulous gown designs; I for my witty wedding speeches.

Whether or not they were our clients, brides-to-be queued for hours for autographs and selfies with us. They were terribly excited at the prospect of meeting us in person, even for just a fleeting moment.

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A French post office heist (Belle)

Posted on May 7, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I recognised most of the gang members in a vague way. I definitely recognised François Cluzet and I decided another chap had been in Amélie. I watched as they planned the post office heist, but also as the police and post office officials kept an eye on what they were up to.

On the day of the raid, the gang broke into a locked cupboard and pulled out piles of undelivered post. They then attached a 100 franc note to each letter as ‘compensation’ for late delivery. Even the police had to applaud the gang for their generous gesture and the officials at the post office had to explain why so much post had been undelivered and hidden away.

Before the gang left, they loaded their canvas bags with uncooked pork short ribs.

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Professor Belle gets it on with Jason Statham and Vicky McClure

Posted on May 6, 2019 by Dreamaticus

The surprise party had been arranged to celebrate me becoming Professor Belle. Vicky McClure and I began to smooch on the dance floor but I still felt guilty. The previous summer I had run off with her fiance, Jason Statham, while he worked as a long distance lorry driver. We’d had wild sex in every ferry port in Europe.  Now Vicky and I were both being unfaithful to Statham.

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