The world’s most versatile dog-themed kitchen gadget (Rousse)

Posted on June 9, 2019 by Dreamaticus

The dog sculpture in jade looked good in MB’s new kitchen and I now regretted that the family had given it to her as a present.

The ornament was also much more versatile than we had first believed. The head was removable and inside was a selection of green plastic kitchen utensils. Without notice, these sprang to life and the whole object transformed into a food processor that liquidised a huge quantity of green soup.

I feared for the state of MB’s new kitchen surfaces as the green gunge started spilling out everywhere. I also hoped that her lunch guests, who included KJ, DTJ and one of their children, would not notice the commotion.

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Secrets between friends (Rousse)

Posted on June 6, 2019 by Dreamaticus

DJ and AJ had supposedly downsized to a modern house on the mainland. When we visited their new place, however, we found that they were now living in a gorgeous mansion furnished almost entirely with Chinese antiques. We had clearly underestimated their vast wealth.

I pointed to a beautiful oil painting of AJ when she was young and asked about the artist. She was surprised that I had forgotten that we had given her the picture as a wedding present.

TPR wanted to tell AJ and DJ about our forthcoming trip to visit AH and CS in France, but I managed to stop him just in time. TPR had completely forgotten that AJ had once spent a night with AH. It was important that DJ should never know about this indiscretion.

To mention AH’s name would risk a distressing revelation that would embarrass our kind hosts immensely.

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Snowball tattoo shocker (Rousse)

Posted on June 6, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I wasn’t too shocked when TPR tried on his sister S’s blue Liberty patterned bikini. The real horror was the sight of his tattooed shoulders and back beneath the strappy top.

When had he had the time to ruin his beautiful physique without my knowledge? And what did ‘Snowball’ mean, etched in Gothic script between his shoulder blades?

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Train trouble at Milton Keynes (Rousse)

Posted on June 4, 2019 by Dreamaticus

The train had almost pulled into the last station on the route when it reversed direction. The guard announced that it would no longer be stopping at Milton Keynes, but instead would call in at all stations en route to the new final destination of Southampton.

The woman seated opposite me pulled out her mobile phone and angrily dictated copy to the local Milton Keynes radio station for the next news announcement. She was clearly appalled at this change to the service.

Meanwhile TPR had established that the best way for us to reach AH and CS in Milton Keynes would be disembark at the next stop and take a taxi into town. It looked like several other passengers had the same idea, so I initiated a discussion of fare-sharing.

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Dead man’s clothes (Rousse)

Posted on June 4, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I selected a broad multi-coloured graph paper print soft cotton shirt for my father’s birthday present. Then I remembered that he was dead, so any purchase would be completely pointless.

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Holiday cottage plant thieves (Rousse)

Posted on June 3, 2019 by Dreamaticus

Given that they were about to start a holiday rental operation themselves, I was astonished when AH and CS lifted three or four pot plants from our cottage on changeover day. Even when I asked them to hand over the stolen goods, AH tried to hide them deeper in the recesses of his sports car.

I did not want to be associated with thieves, especially those who stole from friends of friends.

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Transgender bottom drawer resources (Rousse)

Posted on June 2, 2019 by Dreamaticus

As I was getting undressed for bed (with TPR and AL), I caught two new graduates rummaging through the bottom drawer of my wardrobe. The young man told me that they were looking for resources for their voluntary work with transgender groups. The woman next to him appeared mute, but when I sought confirmation that she had attended one of my classes several years before, she admitted that she was called Sally.

It was obvious that we couldn’t go to bed with Sally and her companion in our room, so I sent AL home. Meanwhile TPR put on some clothes. He chose a black and red taffeta tutu and black short-sleeved Chinese silk jacket – all to fit in with the transgender theme.

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The battle of St James’ Park (Rousse)

Posted on June 1, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I climbed the concrete steps barefoot up to the top of the terraces of St James’ Park stadium. I found my seat amongst the other Newcastle United supporters, eagerly awaiting the start of the match against Bolton.

A woman along the row took an instant dislike to me.

‘So what’s your daughter called?’ she asked, haughtily.

‘I don’t have a daughter’, I replied.

‘OK, then. What about your son?’ came the response.

When I confessed that I had no children she turned away, with a smug grin on her face.

‘But how many countries have you visited?’, I shouted after her.

When she could only name Egypt, I knew that I had won that game. I worked my way around the world starting with the Nordic countries. I took great pleasure in watching her look turn sour.

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Job competition (Rousse)

Posted on May 31, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I acknowledged that KA was a stronger candidate for the advertised post than I, but never expected to find her at the University on interview day, super-slim and chic in a smart silk dress, and gearing up to hurl insults at me.

‘What did you expect?’ she shrieked, ‘You’re the one who told me about the post in the first place. It will be your own fault if I am appointed rather than you!’

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Terrorist YouTube treat on campus (Rousse)

Posted on May 29, 2019 by Dreamaticus

Following the previous year’s success, I invited my colleagues at Scottish Enterprise back on campus for a week. This time, however, they treated their visit as a jolly, crowding around my computer singing along to karaoke videos on YouTube. As ring-leader, IS egged on his theatrical friends.

Before long my colleagues across the corridor made it known that they were not happy with this arrangement. I managed to persuade the visitors to tone it down for a while. However, when the boss brought in two dogs with the obvious intention of starting a black Labrador breeding programme on campus, I knew that it was time to act.

I called a meeting at which the visitors would given the opportunity to explain the purpose of their visit and the means by which this would be achieved. The auditorium was packed – so much so, that I felt obliged to offer my knee as a seat to a young man in a heavy hi-visibility vest. I later discovered that he was a police officer in a Kevlar jacket, there to protect us from terrorists.

Just who, exactly, had I been harbouring in my office for a week?

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