Unexpected visitors and missing friends (Rousse)

QL rang me in a panic.

‘Lucy thinks that the reunion is still on. She didn’t receive the lockdown cancellation email. She’ll arrive in Edinburgh tomorrow.’

I ignored the message – indeed forgot about it – until the following afternoon when I finally dragged myself out of bed. It came as quite a surprise to find Lucy, her husband Nick (0r was it Mark), their two little girls, and a baby in my kitchen. Lucy was unloading the dishwasher, almost managing to find the right places for most of our crockery and cutlery. Meanwhile Nick/Mark was discussing structural changes to the flat with an architect friend who had found access to a hidden loft above the hall ceiling.

I had made no provision for overnight visitors, but guessed that the two older children could sleep on the sofas in the sitting room while the parents took the futon in the study. Nick/Mark, however, was set on sleeping in the cellar and had already started rearranging the bikes and garden equipment so that he and his wife could put down a mattress on the dusty concrete floor.

This was all too much for me. All I wanted to do was to join KA and EA in a small wooden boat for a row across the lake in the summer sunshine.

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Kingfisher soup (Rousse)

The dead kingfisher’s beady eye stared back at me as I considered adding its head to the stock, along with the latest copy of the Information Professional.

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Rory Kinnear and Belle’s thigh-highs

I was free ranging around the British Library’s ‘crazy project’ department finding ways to stealthily join the workforce. With my simple yet effective suggestions I was already making an impact and that was before people noticed my thigh-high leather boots. I had the brains and the legs to really go places.  Certainly Rory Kinnear seemed to think so. Apparently he couldn’t keep his eyes off me.

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Edinburgh New Town clematis vandalism (Rousse)

AC was an utter idiot. His offer to help with the gardening translated into ‘I will chop back to the roots the most beautiful clematis in the Edinburgh New Town’.

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A small-scale red double decker London bus driver and his emigrant wife (Rousse)

My father-in-law proudly showed off his new wheels: a small-scale red double decker London bus. This was not the most practical of family vehicles, especially since its brake was of the same design as that found on a child’s scooter.

Meanwhile his wife (my mother-in-law) spoke enthusiastically of her plans to emigrate to Australia.

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A Stockton-on-Tees themed Christmas party (Rousse)

The theme of the staff Christmas party was Stockton-on-Tees. This was possibly in honour of me and EH, although we could not be certain. Whatever the reason, we were well qualified to comment on the town. I joked that we could even sit on the ‘Stockton shelf’ ourselves amongst the other souvenirs of Stockton that our colleagues had accumulated as we reminisced about drama classes at the Dovecot and school visits to Teesside Polytechnic.

The Secret Santa prize draw, however, was not Stockton-themed. I ‘won’ a grotesque plastic pendant. The main ‘crystal’ was a lump of clear plastic the size of a small matchbox. From this hung a ‘jade’ waterfall of green plastic fronds. It was truly hideous.

After the party I gave EH advice on kitchen planning and car purchases. She needed a new oven to cook game for a funeral in Derbyshire, and wanted to replace her ancient brown Range Rover. I suggested that she speak to VJ about kitchen upgrades. As for the car, I remembered that MB was about to offer hers for sale.

‘So long as you’re not recommending that I meet your cousin BB again’, said EH, ‘I will do anything you say’.

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Belle and Aitch on the ball

I tried to buy cigarettes in Paris but got distracted by lavender and mango bath salts which cost €52.50.

Later the rapper Aitch and I started a wildly successful YouTube channel (‘On The Ball’)  in which we taught each other spectacular footballing skills. My signature move was long-range curving shots into the upper corner of the net.

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The true nature of foxes (Belle)

I wasn’t happy to see two grown women walking a wild fox on a lead so I ‘liberated’ it. As I led it home, it kept nipping the back of my legs and its teeth were actually octopus suckers.  Confused, I googled “foxes” and discovered that “foxes are misunderstood loom animals“.

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Dangerous dancing at the Roxy Music disco (Rousse)

A striking looking woman with dark hair picked me from the crowd of party-goers, grabbed me by the hands, and pulled me onto the dance floor. Across the room I could see my DJ husband cast me a worried glance from his position behind the record deck.

Didn’t I know that I was stepping on dangerous territory by accepting an invitation to dance with a woman at the Roxy Music disco?

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Pandemic postpones Paris Olympics (Rousse)

The other passengers managed to haul me into the carriage when I took the stupid risk of ignoring the warning light and attempted to jump in at the very last moment. Now I could be certain that I would arrive in good time for the opening ceremony of the 2020 Olympic Games in Paris.

I texted my Canadian cousins to ask whether they would be taking part in the parade, or spectating like me. It was only then that I remembered that the games had been postponed due to the coronavirus pandemic.

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