Airport pranks with Stephen Hawking (Belle)

Posted on June 29, 2020 by Dreamaticus

We were causing absolute chaos at the airport gate. Stephen Hawking was deliberately driving his wheelchair into staff members. Then he took the microphone off a staff member and started to give an impromptu lecture about ‘the mathematics of flight’. I was embarrassed and humiliated and really regretted marrying him. Also, I was pregnant with twins.

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A mistaken case of coronavirus (Rousse)

Posted on June 25, 2020 by Dreamaticus

At night the streets swarmed with Chinese nurses clothed head to toe in blue scrubs and heavy duty PPE. When I returned home I found a team of them around TPR’s bed. His lips were blue and he was complaining of a terrible headache. Had he fallen victim to coronavirus?

Apparently not. He was simply paying the price for a heavy night of drinking.

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Victorian dental bills, exotic animals and a marriage (Belle)

Posted on June 23, 2020 by Dreamaticus

It was ‘Victorian times’ and a mysterious stranger gave me £50 to undertake a voyage to Australia to get my teeth fixed.

My plan was to gather exotic animals while I was there, transport them back to London and sell them to repay the debt. Then I realised this wasn’t my life at all. Instead I was researching a novel about an intricate pre-nuptial agreement between a Victorian woman and a lawyer from China.

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Free-riding on the Granton ferry (Rousse)

Posted on June 23, 2020 by Dreamaticus

I cycled back from town along the Forth estuary. When I reached Granton I had two options: to cross the water by ferry or to cycle inland to avoid the crossing.

A little old lady advised me that the ferry would be faster, so I lifted my bike up the gang plank and on to the vessel. Then I saw the fare for cyclists. I was not prepared to pay so much for a short five minute journey.

Instead of travelling inside the cabin, I stowed away on the ferry’s main rudder, keeping my head just above water the whole way. Beside me was a former coast guard helicopter pilot who knew my friend CM.

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Speeding in Stockton-on-Tees (Rousse)

Posted on June 21, 2020 by Dreamaticus

TPR drove at top speed along Bishopton Avenue, then continued straight on at the junction with Bishopton Road West and into Oxbridge Avenue. What he didn’t appreciate was that since his last visit to this part of Stockton-on-Tees two decades ago, this main road had been downgraded to a gated traffic-free cul-de-sac.

The car  smashed through the barrier and spun to halt in front of a row of modern ‘executive homes’. I declared that TPR must now call 101 to report the incident to the police.

TPR was very reluctant to do this, especially since he had consumed a bottle of red wine with his lunch just a couple of hours earlier.

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County Durham coal mine confidences (Rousse)

Posted on June 21, 2020 by Dreamaticus

My sister S whispered over the telephone that she’d heard about a woman from County Durham, now living in Sydney, who had sold secrets about British coal-mining to the Chinese.

When I next saw her in person, my sister confided that she now feared for her own life because she had unwittingly passed on this ‘classified information’. In response I whipped out a copy of a library book that featured a glossy picture of Sydney opera house on its front cover.

‘Don’t be daft’, I said. ‘She’s already published the entire story here’.

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Failed seduction in a Birmingham bedsit (Rousse)

Posted on June 18, 2020 by Dreamaticus

Even though I vowed to him that I would never stray from the arms of TPR, my father’s cousin did his clumsy best to seduce me.

His attachment to a thin ornamental walking cane – supposedly a support for his weak wrist – was enough to put anyone off. Add to this dry kisses in his shabby brown Birmingham bedsit and it was obvious that this would never be the start of a passionate love affair.

His whole mission fell apart when railway hospitality staff started popping in and out of his bedroom to collect glasses for the evening service on trains leaving New Street station. By the time his flatmate turned up I was dressed in a yellow summer 2019 season retro cotton sundress from C&A and fawn ankle boots, ready to make my escape for a night on the town with an overweight bottle blonde friend from Newcastle.

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Banter with Chris Packham and the deathbed wedding of a soap opera character (Belle)

Posted on June 17, 2020 by Dreamaticus

I stood at the prison gates to see my friend PB released. He had been (wrongly) accused of being a suffragette and had been subjected to force feeding.  We went home and when I opened my fridge, every item in it had turned mouldy.

Meanwhile the sparks between me and Chris Packham were really flying. I’d been playing it cool, casually turning up to the bar on Monday evenings and ordering vodka and orange. Our banter game was strong and there was electricity in the air.

I wandered away from him because I was needed at the deathbed wedding of Raquel from Coronation Street. After the ceremony, we stood her up so she could wear her going away outfit and the heel on her gold shoe broke. I rolled my eyes. What a waste of money.

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Cat photos lead to fame (Belle)

Posted on June 14, 2020 by Dreamaticus

I became world famous for my photographs of cats lounging on and in limousines in India.

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Magic tricks for UK research council panel members (Rousse)

Posted on June 13, 2020 by Dreamaticus

I had a busy day ahead with a research council panel meeting in the morning followed by an operation to remove a facial skin cancer in the afternoon. CO was on the same schedule as me so – as a distraction – we spent our last night of relative freedom performing card tricks on other members of the panel.

While CO played magician, I took on the role of a regular punter. In reality, however, I was covering up for CO’s mistakes as he handled the deck. Happily the panel members were completely fooled and enjoyed the show.

Afterwards I asked CO about AM’s whereabouts since I had not heard from her for some time. ‘She’s working in Finland during lockdown’, he replied.

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