Restaurant food with conditions (Rousse)

The view from our well-equipped black metal balcony was of the beautiful mountains – and if you wanted to make a phone call, or post a letter, the facilities were right here too, painted traditional pillar box red.

In the evenings, we walked from our bed and breakfast and across the road to dine in the nearby restaurant with the rest of our family. My Polish colleague ES was one of the waitresses, working under a rather flamboyant manager. The latter wore his wavy black hair long, and paraded through his domain in black jeans, cowboy boots, and a green tartan jacket.

Most nights we remembered to book ahead for a table, but on the very last we forgot to do so. Fifteen minutes before we were due to set off, I contacted ES by phone to ask whether they would have room for us. She hesitated, and then confirmed that a table was available.

On arrival, we were guided to the bistro rather than the main restaurant. There ES presented us with a menu that comprised croissants with a range of unhealthy fillings (only). We were happy with our table but not the choice of food, so I sought the manager to ask whether we might select dishes from the main restaurant menu.

To begin with, the manager appeared to be sympathetic to our request, but it came with conditions. The first was to admire his 100% plastic game of Settlers of Catan, which he kept permanently in his jacket pocket. Another was to watch a strange musical performed within the restaurant. Very poor singers entertained their audience from hanging positions high above the dining tables.

When the manager made to drag my octogenarian mother across the restaurant floor to position her to observe yet another of his displays (and ruched up her delicate lilac evening dress in the process), I greatly regretted the amount of money that we had handed over to this business over the course of our holiday.

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A pedalling peril (Rousse)

It was very difficult riding round the city on a tandem carrying a king size duvet. Barely able to see over the handle bars, my greatest fear was that we would take out an unseen cyclist just ahead of us.

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David Baddiel and love (Rousse)

There was nobody more astonished than I was when David Baddiel fell in love with me.

We first met through friends, and now we were inseparable. We chatted for hours (I confessed that I used to listen to his football world cup shows with Frank Skinner on Radio 5 Live, hardly understanding  of his commentary), and I even plucked up the courage to take him to my mother’s house (although I didn’t let him see the mess upstairs).

David was incredibly caring and polite. He did not seem concerned that my advanced age would rule out our ever having children together; he dodged my question about his relationship with Rob Brydon by pointing out that Rob spends much time out of the country these days.

The best reaction to my new boyfriend came when I introduced him to one of my old admin colleagues. She first glanced at him, nodded a polite hello, and started to turn away. Then something made her take a second look.

‘Oh, he’s that David!’ she exclaimed. Now, strangely, she was extremely interested in my love life.

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Watch Lola! (Rousse)

I screamed at everyone in the railway carriage that they must watch the just-released cinematic masterpiece Lola.

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Inappropriate ecclesiastical furniture (Rousse)

The grandfather clock was very big. Indeed, it was so huge that it was hard to imagine that it would fit into any domestic setting.

Then LM pointed out the matching alter.

This antique shop specialised in ecclesiastical furniture. It was not the place to select pieces to kit out a small flat.

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A Teesside child bike thief (Rousse)

You could say that it was my own fault that 9 year-old Tory stole my bike. TPR would be aghast to learn that I had left it unlocked outside the pharmacy, even if I argued that I was in a ‘nice’ part of Teesside.

I scoured the ads on Facebook Marketplace to see if Tory was trying to sell my steed. However, it looked like he was keeping it for himself.

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The flying academic (Rousse)

Even though I gave the new professor a public dressing-down for instructing me to make the arrangements for the staff night out, I still went ahead and made some enquiries. I really needed to get used to the idea that I was no longer ‘in charge’.

One compensation was that I was still the only person in the group who could fly. I exerted my special super power as I cruised back through the air to campus to tell the others about possible venues for our celebration.

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Thirsty in Tain (Rousse)

By the time that we arrived in Tain, my throat was so dry that I could hardly speak.

TPR and I stood by JS and AT’s garden wall and waited until one of them appeared. Soon JS returned to her house, smartly addressed after a long day at work.

I lost TPR when he followed JS indoors. I ended up in a neighbour’s carpentry workshop. This was a vast room, with stuffed deer head shooting trophies staring down from every wall. The neighbour ushered me back next door.

I settled in the kitchen for the rest of the afternoon, focusing on the washing-up.

Later, I was delighted when MH came to the door. She was completely soaked due to a sudden highland downpour.

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A single-handed ski pole assailant (Rousse)

My 83 year old mother tossed her sturdy walking sticks to the kerb, then scampered up the road towards a group of young men. There she identified her quarry, then attacked him single-handed with a ski pole.

She was clearly not as feeble as we thought.

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Conquering the Andes for £55k (Rousse)

KJD stood up from the table, grabbed her wine glass, and invited her closest friends to join her at the other side of the room. When everyone apart from her two sons followed her, I felt that I had the right to do the same.

Once we were all settled in our new seats, KJD made her announcement. She recalled her previous ‘adventures’ such as wild swimming. She dismissed them all as passing fads now that she had splashed out £55,000 on a trip to South America. Next month, she and her husband would conquer the Andes.

When I raised the risk of death in the perilous mountains, KJD responded that this would be fine, so long as she and her husband died together.

‘Hear, hear!’ said the old lady seated next to me.

‘Oh, are you a widow?’ I asked her.

‘No’, she replied, ‘My husband is at home. I can’t stand him, so I come to the pub as often as I can’.

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