Private audiences with Matt LeBlanc (Rousse)

Matt LeBlanc was such an obliging professional. Whenever I asked, he would entertain me by reciting his lines from episodes of Friends.

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Pasadena Roof Orchestra tunes, yellow Crocs, and an unsuccessful job application (Rousse)

On the basis of his sudden disappearance, it was obvious to me that TPR had been lying when he said that all he wanted in life was to have me to himself. I wandered around the Manor House reunion on my own, lingering for a while next to the string quartet that was working its way through the repertoire of the Pasadena Roof Orchestra.

Later, a young man attempted to chat me up. His strategy was to compliment my yellow Crocs, ask to try them on, and the delight in the ‘amazing co-incidence’ that our feet were about the same size. Unfortunately for him, I was not in the market for a relationship with a small-footed man.

Finally I received a text from TPR. Although somewhat garbled, I was able to make out from it that he had just returned from a day trip by car to Fleet. When I found TPR in the corridor, dressed in suit and tie under his hooded Barbour jacket, he explained that he had attended a job interview with a computer company called Alacrity.

Just as I was pointing out the insanity of his plans to re-enter the job market (especially given that I had recently given up my own job so that we could spend more time together), TPR received a phone call from the interview panel. He wasn’t the type of candidate that they were seeking after all.

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Chaotic couriers get called out (Belle)

Unable to sleep, I got out of bed and looked out the peephole in the front door. A hipster food van had pulled up outside and three people were unloading boxes outside my front door. I was immediately incandescent with rage and flung open the door, demanding to know what they were doing and why they were doing it at 2.45 in the morning. “Delivering these parcels”, one of them said, as if I were an idiot.

I stepped outside to look at the boxes. The labels featured a photograph of my front door, but the address was not mine. “This label clearly says ‘Southampton'”, I screamed. This caused much hilarity from the couriers and I went into an epic, sweary rant. This made them laugh even more. I had lost my cool and my dignity.

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Changes on campus and food hoarding (Rousse)

I barely recognised PA on campus. A strict six-month regime of a decent diet and proper exercise had been transformational. He looked so much better. He said that he felt fantastic.

Meanwhile, DM was struggling. She had voluntarily stepped down from her senior role and taken on the task of allocating staff to desks in massive open plan offices. I lobbied for a corner desk, and also suggested that I was due a new Mac laptop.

Back at ‘home’ (in reality a temporary holiday let) TPR was dealing with my excessive food hoarding: fresh blueberries in a massive bowl on top of the tallest cupboards; cooked spaghetti under the sink; and spring onions forced between the taps and the kitchen wall.

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Anneka Rice: meter reader, window cleaner (Belle)

I was waiting for the window cleaner and was surprised to find Anneka Rice at the front door, holding a ladder and offering to read the electricity meter before she started cleaning. She was wearing a blue jumpsuit. I completely lost my cool, telling her how obsessed I had been with her in the 1980s, that Treasure Hunt had been the best television programme ever, I loved her and her jumpsuit and this was the happiest day of my life. I saw her smile freeze momentarily but she managed to disguise her discomfort as I welcomed her into the house.

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Strip searching Robson Green (Belle)

GH, Robson Green and I walked into the lobby of a publishing house and were directed to take the lift to the top floor. With a sinking feeling I realised I could not remember what we were there to discuss, and contemplated pretending I had lost my voice.

We sat down at the boardroom table and were joined by more and more people until the room was full. Glancing under the table I spotted four lapdogs doing synchronised somersaults. No one else seemed to think this unusual.

The mood in the room changed suddenly and the publishers turned aggressive. Their anger was directed at Robson Green – they announced he was to be forcibly strip searched and when I objected someone threw a blanket over me so I didn’t have to watch. GH and I escaped, but where was Robson? I felt guilty that we had left him behind and on the way to the train station I walked into a pub in Blackpool and arranged a singing gig for Robson with a man playing a squeezebox. My only problem now was how to let Robson know I had done this?

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A trespasser and a rapist (Rousse)

We sold our beautifully proportioned Georgian garden flat and now lived in a narrow town house in a shabby part of town.

We had been persuaded to move by the ‘potential’ of the vast cellar at the bottom of the building. Our neighbour was already hosting fabulous parties there, demonstrating the value of the space. The only problem was that the cellar wasn’t hers to use and we needed to find a way to tell her to cease and desist.

While TPR dealt with the neighbour, my colleague BP took me aside to complain to me about my university friend GW. Could I do anything to stop him promoting rape as recreation?

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University reputation on the line (Rousse)

JM came with terrible news. The authorities had sniffed out the rogue academic in our midst, and the University’s reputation was now on the line. Added to this, my former colleague VC was making accusations against me for supposed misdemeanours of the 1990s.

This might explain the discovery of the uniformed police officer who walked out of my flat just as I entered the front door.

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Making gravy (Rousse)

Our new neighbours were BP, SF and their two daughters. Amongst the upgrades to their new flat, they completely renovated the kitchen, putting in the most enormous range oven. When my sister J called in, BP served her a plate of roast chicken and vegetables straight from the hob.

‘Who made this gravy?’ J asked. With one glance at her plate, I could understand her question. The thin grey trickle across the cooked chicken breast was hardly appetising.

Later that day, when the family went out for a walk, I broke into the flat. Armed with an Oxo cube and some fresh herbs, I would make some decent gravy, serve it to the family on their return, then teach them my winning technique.

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When Her Majesty meets the family (Rousse)

Queen Elizabeth II and I held hands – or, more precisely, we interlocked little fingers according to the limits of royal protocol.

I wanted to introduce Her Majesty to my second cousin EB, but she was far more interested in another of my relations – my third cousin-once-removed PB. First, however, I would need to explain the child’s medical history.

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