Greeted by a huge sawn-off-at-the-shoulder bloodied arm (Rousse)

Both my mother and TPR were released from their respective care homes for the day.

My mother was in particularly fine fettle. She was able to keep up with my father’s walking pace – albeit at a distance – and cogent enough to understand the reasons why she no longer lived at home. TPR’s sudden decline into dementia was much more worrying.

Meanwhile my sister S was working with a librarian in a secret meeting to track down details of the 1970s green and white flowered china that I was keen to collect. I was somewhat miffed not to be included in the discussions, especially given my qualifications for the role.

While everyone else was occupied, LvZ approached me for an interview. They hoped to bring back the annual online conference and I would be one of the key attractions. LvZ pressed down two buttons on the old-fashioned tape recorder and listened intently as it put down my memories.

It was soon time for me to deliver my mother and TPR back to their care home accommodation so I rushed off to find the pair of them. I made a mental note to the tell the manager that I didn’t approve of the huge sawn-off-at-the-shoulder bloodied arm that lay on the grass right next to the care home entrance.

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Time-saving Victorian costume changes (Rousse)

To save time in costume changes, TPR wore both his outfits simultaneously. To the left he was an navvy in a brown overall; to the right he was a Victorian gentleman.

He dressed like this all day, even when looking after DM’s grandchildren.

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Party treats of burnt prawns and carbonised sausages (Rousse)

Our lodger FR hadn’t quite got the hang of our kitchen. She crammed far too much blue and white crockery into the glass-fronted cupboards, then cleared a drawer to store a single cake. More annoying, she didn’t clean up after baking bread. Now all the surfaces, including the kitchen floor, were covered in lumps of sticky dough – just as we were expecting our guests to arrive.

Most at the party were my former work colleagues. These included ED, PC and WD, plus GR and his mother. Some people I recognised, but could not name. I served them burnt prawns and carbonised sausages.

Meanwhile TPR was absent, opting to spend the day with his lover. I wondered whether I should retaliate by spending more time with PC?

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Banned from aquafit (Rousse)

I was expelled from my aquafit class for making 16 errors in the morning’s routine.

(I had also worn my outdoor shoes at the poolside – a much greater crime in my books – but nobody seemed to have noticed.)

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Marriage break-up consolation prize (Rousse)

While TPR insisted that our marriage was over, he offered me a consolation prize. From the back seat of the car, he told me that his predecessor ST was currently available.

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Belle becomes a royal bodyguard and is rejected by Ren

I was travelling on the upper deck of a old-fashioned red London bus when I realised two things simultaneously. A teenage Prince William was sitting in a seat in front of me, and we were being sprayed with bullets from outside. I leapt out of my seat and pushed William, head first, onto the floor before throwing myself on top of him. “I’m not even a royalist”, I yelled.

When the danger was over, the bus had turned into a tour bus and I was hugging my favourite musician, Ren. He was really not into this, and I was forced to kiss him on the cheek and retreat.

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Julia Roberts’ best friend (Rousse)

My planned move to the US would be an adventure, although not without regret. I knew, for example, that I would miss the pals that I left behind in the UK.

‘Please don’t worry about us’, actress Julia Roberts assured me. ‘You and I will always remain best friends, wherever you end up’.

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Investing in Walker’s early works (Rousse)

P and SM’s latest holiday adventure was a month long trip to Northumberland via New York, Valencia, and the art galleries of London.

At AF’s request, in London P and SM had bought several small scraps of sugar paper covered in childish scribbles. They had paid a small fortune to the Royal Society for this pile of litter.

Supposedly this was a curated collection of the early works of the now-famous modern artist Walker. AF was only too willing to hand over a large wad of cash for the whole lot.

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Travel to Shetland by helicopter (Rousse)

The twin who worked at the gym, and her sister who was a student at Queen Margaret University, organised the holiday in Shetland.

TPR and I volunteered to fly there by helicopter. At the time we were unaware that this would mean hanging on to the outside of the aircraft rather than travelling seated in the cabin.

Also, before we reached the airport, we underestimated the length of the journey and so did not pack the Scrabble. However, we managed to fashion an operational game of sorts from some old cardboard boxes that we found scattered in the waiting room.

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The end of the affair (Rousse)

As we were approaching the end of a marvellous summer holiday together, I felt that the time was right to bring up the subject of my husband’s mistress.

He couldn’t avoid the subject if I challenged him directly when we were both in the bath together. I complimented his lovely long dark locks and strong muscular body, then told him that I knew that he had a lover.

My husband realised immediately that it would be pointless to respond to my accusation with anything other than the truth. He admitted that he had been sleeping with Alice the vet for several months. They met for secret trysts whenever she had a moment between house calls.

I said that I was not prepared to share my husband any longer, and insisted that he end the affair as soon as we returned home.

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