On stage and all at sea with Robbie Williams (Rousse)

The only tickets left for purchase were for seats on the right of the stage, just six feet away from the singer. I would never have dreamt that I’d ever find myself in such close proximity to Robbie Williams. He even invited us and the other couples seated nearby to perform in his last song by waltzing across the stage.

We were amongst the last to leave after the show in the early hours of the morning. We walked past the show crew’s house and saw them all partying through the big bay window that faced east towards the sea. Robbie himself was making a tour of huge garden, but he didn’t acknowledge us when our paths crossed.

Our evening out collapsed into chaos when we decided to walk the coastal route home rather than take the bus. I was trapped on the rocks by an incoming tide for so long that when I eventually found my family again, I discovered that several years had passed.

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Snails in the veil (Belle)

I was wearing a vintage wedding dress, ironically but also for admiration. I was so thoroughly in love with how I looked in it. Silver lurex threads ran through the puffy skirt and I kept glancing over my shoulder to admire the train of the dress.

Only later did I realise that the creases in the skirt were hosting rows and rows of snails. The silver thread was slime.

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Prize winner loses prized possession (Rousse)

I heard that the gym was giving prizes to cyclists, so I jumped on my bike and headed across town to claim one of my own.

I was indeed a lucky winner. However, in my haste to pick up my prize I forgot to lock my bike. When I returned to the spot where I had left it, it was gone.

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A sister’s deadly secret (Rousse)

Apparently I was last to know that my sister was an unconvicted murder. Three decades ago, explained RL, she had suffocated a skinny man at a drunken party over a minor disagreement. The only reason that she was still free was the incompetence of the police brought in to investigate the crime.

Now I understood why she would never work.

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Afternoon tea in the Palm Court at the Balmoral Hotel, Edinburgh (Rousse)

There were huge queues outside the public lavatories on Princes Street, so I crossed over the road, held my head up high, and climbed up the steps of the Balmoral Hotel. The door staff, concierge, and receptionists barely looked up as I strode past their stations en route for the ladies’ room at the back of the building

First, however, I needed to cross the Palm Court. From the doorway into this oasis of calm, I observed couples and families seated at white-clothed tables enjoying afternoon tea. Assuming that I was waiting for an invitation to enter, a uniformed member of staff ushered me past the first set of palm trees and into the centre of the room. From here I set off independently past the rest of the tables to the rear door and my target destination.

Out of the corner of my eye I thought that I saw my mother-in-law, sister-in-law S, and a couple of my nephews and nieces working their way through plates piled with dainty sandwiches and cakes. But this was impossible. They weren’t in Edinburgh. Even if they were, they could not afford to eat here.

I was just pulling up my trousers when I heard someone battering on my stall door. My sister-in-law S begged me to return to the Palm Court. I was mistaken, my in-laws really were here in Scotland’s capital city!

I was right about one thing though. They couldn’t afford the bill for their afternoon tea. Could I possibly cover the cost of it for them?

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Shabby Sheffield living (Rousse)

TPR still lived part-time in a shabby Sheffield terraced house. He bought it as a temporary measure several years ago when he moved to the city to join a new firm (which made him redundant within a year).

How anyone could live like this, I could not imagine. Since moving in ten years earlier, he hadn’t decorated a single room. He lived mainly in the kitchen, sleeping on a single fold-up bed under a 1970s patterned blue and white duvet. The whole room was engulfed in clutter because he rarely managed to put anything away after using it. The small garden also needed attention. After a decade of neglect, it was simply a patch of grass above which a limp washing line hung.

A and C understood the state of TPR’s living arrangements to be indicative of extreme poverty. So, whenever they came to visit, they arrived armed with ‘presents’ of A’s cast-off clothes and sportswear (wet-suits included).

Meanwhile I regularly wailed at TPR in distress. Why could he not simply sell this Sheffield property and move back home to be with me on a permanent basis?

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Barbara Windsor motorcyclist mobster (Rousse)

Five us squeezed onto the seat of the huge yellow motorbike.

If one of us could just reach and turn the key, we might escape the clutches of evil Barbara Windsor and her mobster gang – now approaching us at great speed.

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From a picnic in Glencoe to cheating the GMC (Rousse)

I picnicked with my sister-in-law JLR, her partner J, and daughter F on a heather heath in Glencoe. The moorland beyond us stretched for miles with not a soul in sight, save a small herd of deer. The only evidence of human intervention in this wild landscape were white painted signs warning of dangerous snow depths in hidden corries. These seemed somewhat redundant on a beautiful summer’s day.

When it was time to leave, we climbed into the open railway carriage for our journey back to civilisation. This form of transport was very rudimentary. It was our responsibility to keep the train wheels on the track. On a couple of occasions we almost failed in our duty.

My next commitment was a fund-raising ball for a cancer charity. All my friends agreed to come dressed in black and white. Some were quite daring: my university friend JS looked fabulous in the tiniest of striped mini skirts. The one issue with the ball was that many of us wanted to dance barefoot. This was impossible when there was so much broken glass on the dancefloor.

Not dressed in black and white was my school friend AL (now AW). Instead, she wore a billowing brown Indian smock over her large belly. I was mortified when she told me in answer to my enquiry about the baby’s due date that – despite appearances – she was not pregnant. It was with some relief, however, to learn that a woman called Lorna had put AL up to this with the aid of a couple of pillows. (Anyway, how could AL possibly be pregnant at the age of 58?)

I also asked after AL’s sister’s children. The son was doing well, but the daughter was fighting her case with the General Medical Council. She had been found guilty of using ChatGPT to cheat in the final assessments of her medical degree.

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A Portobello prison – with magnificent sea views (Rousse)

PB was renting a second floor flat in Portobello with the most magnificent sea views. I took him across the road one day to point out Berwick Law and the Bass Rock in the distance, and to introduce him to the gannets and their feeding habits.

When I checked my watch, I saw that I was running horribly late. I needed to get back into town quickly, but I was barefoot and my red Mary Jane shoes were still in PB’s rented flat.

I grabbed PB’s keys, crossed the road, pushed open the unlocked main door, and climbed the stairs to the second floor. The key ring was very full, but I soon picked out the key for the front door.

I reckoned that I could have found the right key blindfold. After all, it was not that long ago that my cruel lover held me captive in this building, taunting me daily with a key that he believed that I would never dare use to regain my freedom.

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Queue karaoke at the Edinburgh Breastival (Rousse)

PMF was desperate to perform at the Edinburgh Fringe, but it was now far too late to secure a show entry in this summer’s programme.

‘Here’s an idea’, I suggested. ‘”Queue karaoke” could be the top performance of the Fringe! All you need to do is print off lyric sheets, distribute these amongst audience members stuck in queues at the larger venues, and encourage everyone to join you in song. You could pass a bucket around to collect your ‘ticket sales’ immediately afterwards.

‘Better still, you could donate all your proceeds to Cancer Research UK, while branding your performance as the single show of the “Edinburgh Breastival” .

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