Alice in Wonderland attraction (Rousse)

Posted on November 18, 2011 by Dreamaticus

The rules of the race stipulated that you would be disqualified if you placed a foot on concrete at any point during your run. I decided to make the wood my starting point and see what would happen.

Inevitably I couldn’t keep to the rules and soon I found myself joining AC, KL and RA for a standard trot along London Road. A short rest along the route turned into a whole afternoon of dressing up. Everyone was impressed with how I could enlarge and shrink my body just like Alice in Wonderland. This special talent proved extremely useful because it allowed me to try on all the clothes available.

The fun came to an abrupt halt when TPR summoned me by phone. He ordered me home immediately to cook his supper.

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A rotten job in Tibet (Belle)

Posted on November 17, 2011 by Dreamaticus

I had gone to live with the ‘famous ice-makers and ice-breakers of Tibet’. It was now ice-breaking season and family groups, including tiny toddlers, were breaking the ice with pickaxes. However, as an outsider, I was required to serve an apprenticeship on the fish gutting production line where I inexpertly cut fish tails. I was paid in pig’s offal.

Fortunately, I got a new job operating a lift to the top floor of a tower block. When I got to the top, my friends C and M were living in what looked like a sixth form common room. Desperate to sit down, I made my way to the sofa only to be told to stay away. The sofa was delicately balanced on a pebble and no-one other than M was allowed to sit there.

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How to cook an elephant (Belle)

Posted on November 16, 2011 by Dreamaticus

The cooking demonstration was underway and there was a palpable ripple of excitement in the audience as the cook revealed her main ingredient (baby elephant) and the cooking method (fiery pizza oven). Appalled, I decided the best thing for me to do was to leave the kitchen and go on a gap year.

Only as I set off to France the next day did I realise that I had no idea how to ‘do’ a gap year. I had no plans, no maps, no money and no wanderlust.

Later, I revisited my old school to discover it was a high tech ‘learning laboratory’ bursting with enthusiastic students doing independent study. It was also a futuristic hospital with patients lying in pods outside the public lavatories.

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Basking sharks and a bikini malfunction (Rousse)

Posted on November 15, 2011 by Dreamaticus

I splashed along the Hebridean shoreline on a beautiful summer day. For company I had the birds and an occasional seal. I even spotted a few small basking sharks surprisingly close to the water’s edge. I couldn’t understand why TPR would want to hide away in the gym on a day like this. Still, I would meet him later at the pool for a swim.

When I found the car and retrieved my bathing costume from the boot I discovered that I had forgotten to pack my my bikini bottoms. However, I was determined that this mishap would not get in the way of a swim. I would simply wear my yellow cotton knickers in the pool. They wouldn’t go transparent in the water – or would they?

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One of my colleagues was pondering a job offer in the US. I told him that not even the promise of fabulous facilities on campus would ever draw me there. The fact was that if you took up a position as an academic in America, you would be obliged to live there too. The latter was not even worth the most casual consideration.

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Small frustrations blight playgirl lifestyle (Belle)

Posted on November 15, 2011 by Dreamaticus

For no apparent reason I was now living the life of an international playgirl. I was staying in the world’s best hotels. I was dating rich, handsome men from countries I had never heard of. I could ski!

My latest boyfriend took me to meet his enormous family ‘in the Alps’. There he gave me a box of ugly, and no doubt expensive, jewellery which I had to pretend to like. Later, the hairdresser had double-booked me and I caused a scene. As it became obvious that the receptionist had not been trained in handling difficult customers, I became even more incensed. I walked up endless stairs (the lift was broken) to my fabulous suite and picked up the phone to continue my complaint. The telephone lead snapped in two. I was never going to get my highlights done.

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A spot from which to watch the boys go by (Rousse)

Posted on November 13, 2011 by Dreamaticus

I peered through the bannister spindles at the top of the stairs at the White House, watching the men arrive. I was terribly excited because amongst them were some of the boys who had not made it to the recent school reunion.

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Nosey Rousse risks her health on her way to breakfast fry-up

Posted on November 12, 2011 by Dreamaticus

Breakfast on the morning after the school reunion comprised baked beans, sausages, roast parsnips and potatoes, all lovingly cooked by HH (HP back in our school days). Just before I went downstairs to join the others at the breakfast table, I pushed on a door that I had not noticed the night before. This opened into a vast room crammed full of cats. I immediately slammed the door shut in terror. Any exposure to that quantity of feline fur is a huge health risk when you suffer an allergy such as mine.

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On the tiles with Sammy Davis Jr. (Belle)

Posted on November 11, 2011 by Dreamaticus

While we average people mingled downstairs, the famous people remained in the upper restaurant. Each of us were awaiting our ‘audiences with’ and I knew that at 10.20 pm I would be taken upstairs to meet Sammy Davis Jr. I both hoped and feared that he would return downstairs with me and spin me around the dancefloor. If anyone could magically change me from being a klutz, it was Sammy.
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The funeral next door was an all night affair with police protection. At one point a toddler clambered up the front of the house and climbed into my office window. Shocked I pushed him out only to catch him by the ankle. Setting off to deliver him to his parents I forgot my task and tried to check myself into A&E instead.
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My friend A returned from her world travels abroad looking exactly like Anne Widdecombe. It wasn’t just her mind that had expanded obviously.

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Dr Who trumps wedding plans (Rousse)

Posted on November 11, 2011 by Dreamaticus

When I heard that SB needed to source 55,000 wine glasses I suggested to my mother-in-law that the wedding plans were perhaps a little over-ambitious. “It’s OK”, she replied “We’re only inviting 77,000 guests, but we expect that at least 22,000 won’t make it.” “But just how much will it all cost?” I queried. “Oh, that’s all sorted,” she smiled proudly. “A London law firm is sponsoring the whole thing”.

Unconvinced, TPR and I retreated to my parents’ house where we hid under the duvet and watched old episodes of Dr Who with our nephews and nieces.

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