Another Sunday in academia – with a hedgehog (Rousse)

If you have ever wondered how the typical academic spends a Sunday, the answer is straightforward: either at work, or thinking about work.

This Sunday was no different from most others. TPR was entertaining himself elsewhere when I set off to join my colleagues on campus for a staff development seminar. On arrival I pushed open the door to the tower board room. I checked the layout, and managed to contain myself (just) when I realised that the only space left where I could comfortably sit would be on the knee of X. He didn’t object at all. In fact, he was most enthusiastic (unlike my my boss who shot us a barrage of disapproving glances from the other side of the room). However, I didn’t stay here long. When the title PowerPoint slide indicated that the focus of the presentation was the use of English in assignments, and the first discussion would be the etymology and various meanings of the term “arm”, I quietly sneaked out of the room.

Out on the staircase I bumped into PT, ST and an Australian woman who were also giving staff development a miss, this time in favour of conference organisation. Then I found AD in the library, complaining that a prematurely-promoted professor had just belted him. I was about to investigate this assault further when a librarian approached me for a favour. I glanced at the colourful maths handout that she pushed under my nose. Unfortunately it made no sense to me all: my skills in algebra were lost long ago, some time circa in 1979. I suggested that VJ might help, while noting my great admiration of the handout’s hedgehog illustration.

Heading home again, on the way out of the building I vowed to do something about the main staircase. Granted it was very beautiful as a piece of 21st century modern art, but it was also dangerous with multiple unexpected gaps in the steps. Moreover, this was a university, not an exhibition space for funky art installations, and it was about time someone said so.

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Pre-school reading opportunities boost life prospects: a three year old’s perspective (Rousse)

If ever there was a need for evidence of the catastrophic effect of public library cuts, it was here. The place was marshalled by rough-looking women in navy blue overalls, without a qualified librarian in sight. They were more interested in the antics of a bare-bottomed toddler than in delivering quality information services to the general public. The only hope for the future of this essential community service was a three year-old who stalked the shelves. He declared loudly at regular intervals: “Exposure to reading in the pre-school years sets a child up for life”.

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Rousse’s surprise school reunion

This was meant to be a family reunion organised by me. Everyone on the guest list was related either to me or TPR, and I had control of the whole event – or so I thought.

When I apprehended my school friends PM and LF checking their winter coats into the cloakroom, I feigned delight and kissed them both, even though they weren’t officially invited to the party. Then, when P introduced me to Alex, her shy sixth former niece, I quickly conjured up a reason for her to stay too: with 11 A* in her recent GCSEs, she could pass on hints and tips to my niece AF.

However, when my sister J and sisters-in-law SM and JR turned up in grey mini-skirts, white shirts and loose ties in a tacky version of school uniform, I was devastated. I really had lost control of the proceedings, upstaged by those closest to me. With tears streaming down my face I was desperate for comfort in the arms of TPR. However, he too had abandoned me and was nowhere to be found.

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New houseshare puts Belle in a spin

Exactly how many house-mates did I now have? As I sat in the kitchen, drinking early morning tea, more people poured in through the doors. Already disorientated, I realised that the scene through the kitchen window was changing. The house was slowly rotating.

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Mark Radcliffe missing, Stuart Maconie scared (Rousse)

Mark Radcliffe popped out of the studio, so I took advantage of his absence for a private chat with Stuart Maconie. After some preliminary small talk about preferences for co-hosted shows, I got down to the business of my complaint. Why had they agreed to move their evening Radio 2 show to afternoons on 6 Music? Didn’t they know that this had ruined my nightly routine of e-mail shovelling? It just wasn’t the same sending spam to trash while listening to documentaries on Radio 4.

Stuart failed to address my concerns. Instead he became increasingly agitated because it looked like Mark might not come back. Fifteen minutes passed and Mark was still out on the streets of Salford. What an opportunity! I offered to take Mark’s place at the microphone. The underlying fear was clear in Stuart’s simple reply to my suggestion: “I don’t think so”, he croaked warily.

See Stuart Maconie elsewhere on Dreamaticus in Bonding with Radcliffe and Maconie over the Farmer’s Boys and the BBC (Rousse); Stuart Maconie radio chef (Rousse)

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Steampunk society’s harsh rule (Belle)

This new, steampunk world seemed to have passed me by even though we were already in season five. I had read the listings in Radio Times and was astonished to see that one of the characters was campaigning in real life for UKSG against ‘click per view’.

I was in the crowds travelling on up escalators to the stadium. On another escalator a man was wearing a home-made cardboard castle on his head. Concerned that I stood out from the crowd, I asked a friend for advice. I discovered it was a considered a major offence to repeat yourself in this world. “But what do we DO?” I asked. “Oh, we diminish things”, she told me.

For some reason this was the funniest thing I had heard and I found myself laughing and repeating it. I had already broken the rules.

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Business idea stolen (Belle)

I was upset to discover that someone had created a commercial success out of MY business idea. The creative naming of lipsticks had long been a hobby of mine, but to discover that ‘Tiger Tail Orange’ and ‘Leopard Love’ were now bestselling colours was demoralising to say the least.

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Walking in Glencoe bereft of map and boots, but with Take That (Rousse)

I was the reluctant leader of a small running club expedition to Glencoe. Unqualified for the role, I was making a complete mess of it. First, we arrived far too late in the afternoon to tackle any of the interesting routes. Then, when checking to see which climb would be achievable in the time available, I discovered that the brand new Ordnance Survey map that I’d just received from Amazon was useless. It presented a full-scale atlas of the world on one side and a chart of British myths and legends on the other. “I’ll put it away for our niece F when she’s a bit older”, I remarked to TPR.

While the others hung around waiting for me to make a decision on where we were heading, their conversation deteriorated to discussions of the perennial quest for a suitable boyfriend in Edinburgh. The latest tales of woe centred on the theme of being stood up. As the anecdotes piled up they became more and more outrageous. The ultimate was a supposedly true tale where the man had chosen to die quietly rather than meet his date.

Meanwhile I realised that I’d forgotten something else for our day out: my walking boots. Fortunately I knew that I had my trainers somewhere, but I was somewhat embarrassed to get them out. I’d laced a music chip into the left shoe and was pretty certain that a Take That track was playing. I wasn’t entirely sure that I wanted to share my dodgy musical tastes with everyone.

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Dancing bear imposter (Rousse)

The famous dancing bear lived in a plush apartment on the eight floor of a brand new tower block, above a branch of Boots the Chemist. I knew this because he belonged to my friends J and GC.

I almost didn’t make it on the day of my planned visit to see this extraordinary animal. First of all an old friend and I were distracted by the 1970s photo booth in Boots. We spent far too long trying to recreate the crazy black and white images of our teenage years. Then I realised that I didn’t have J and G’s phone number on me and had no way of letting them know that we were in the building. Thankfully, the kind staff in Boots were able to contact G somehow and he came down to meet us then lead us back up the building to the flat.

The dancing bear already had quite an audience, including my mother who was trying to video his antics. He stood on his hind legs and jigged gently, with his right “arm” stretched out and pointing to a begging bowl at his feet. He was a very entertaining act, but I wondered if I was the only one to spot that this was not a bear, but just a very big, well-trained, dog?

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A doomed flight from Japan (Rousse)

Flight by Brendan MacNeill

Flight by Brendan MacNeill

This was my second trip to the far east in a fortnight and, once again, I was astonished at the rudeness of the local population. I’d barely arrived in Japan and already airport staff had launched an enquiry into the quantity of luggage that I intended to fly home. This was not the best of starts to the long-anticipated incentive holiday.

After a short fierce argument over two small pieces of hand luggage (that could be collapsed into one, if necessary) I was released and allowed to travel on to the hotel. There I joined TPR’s colleagues and their “significant others”. But where was TPR? Apparently he had been allocated accommodation elsewhere, doomed to the equivalent experience of this holiday in 1994 (“Rome from a coach”).

It was several days before TPR reached my hotel. On arrival he dumped two big boards that declared him a rowing champion, grabbed my wrist, charged past our pal DJ, and pulled me onto the plane parked next to the main hotel swimming pool. This was some escape! Unfortunately, since neither of us had any piloting experience, our trip was very short-lived. I couldn’t be certain, but it looked like we only flew from the hotel back to the airport, and how we even managed this I had no idea. Of course now we would be in much deeper trouble with the airport authorities – regardless of baggage allowances – and unless we came up with a very good explanation for our actions, TPR would almost certainly be sacked.

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