David Morrissey spreads gossip (Belle)

David Morrissey blogged and tweeted a scandalous story about the orchestra’s cellist. It was perfectly obvious to everyone that the only source of this story was me.

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A night of clubbing (Belle)

My ex-boyfriends agreed how wonderful it was that we were all such good friends after so many years. “Let’s go to a rave to celebrate” said the Geordie one. The nicest ex-boyfriend agreed and we went to a big warehouse with flashing laser lights and danced the night away.

Later I got locked in the toilet.

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Tony Curtis and the world’s least imaginative quiche (Belle)

It had been foolish of us to try to re-capture those Cornish holiday memories. Eventually, Tony Curtis summed it up beautifully. “We should only come back just as summer is turning into war”. Later I shouted at him for throwing his coke bottle over some roofs.

Meanwhile, my entry for the most imaginative vegetable quiche was turning out badly. I hadn’t rolled out a full pastry circle, had burnt the pastry during the blind bake, had forgotten to put any vegetables into it and was now attempting to put matters right by snipping stolen cress over the top. The only way to retrieve the situation would be to ‘accidentally’ drop the thing as I transferred it to the judging table.

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A highland journey by car, foot, boat and the Flying Scotsman (Rousse)

We took the Loch Awe route to the ferry port by car with RG-J, SG and their two children. S was at the wheel, swearing at every turn, while R and I ooh-ed and ah-ed at the full-bloom purple rhodedendrums that lined the route.

When the road narrowed to the point that we could drive no further we bailed out and set off by foot through the snow to the boat. Along the way we picked up some others, including a school party and a man who tried to get me to carry his life-jacket shaped rucksack.

This all seemed to be taking much longer than planned. When I confirmed that the schedule had well and truly slipped, I ran back to hurry along the straggler children. They were unconcerned. No matter how late they turned up, they knew that the Flying Scotsman would wait to take them home.

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A labrador, a poodle and a Yorkshire terrier (Rousse)

The meeting took place at the dining room table of my grandmother’s house in Corbridge. Given that the location was so special to me, I thought that my colleagues could have been more patient when I interrupted the proceedings with childhood reminiscences. What I had to say was more more interesting than the slow instructions relayed in monotone by the woman from HR. When they started to roll their eyes at my anecdotes I turned my attention to the dogs. They weren’t quite Cobber and Pomfret, but they were reasonable stand-ins for Granny’s labrador and poodle.

Later on, back in Bruntsfield, with my boss I peered through the window of the sports shop. “Do you think it’s any good?” she asked me. My answer was based on the academic qualifications of the staff and the customer base. “I think you’d be better off in a shop closer to the university” I replied – though not to her, but to the tiny black-faced Yorkshire terrier that had taken her place.

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Famous beards and underwear (Rousse)

DB and I were cataloguing journal issues, then filing them in slim cardboard boxes, in the reading room of a large academic library. I also took this opportunity to consider the common data elements in MARC records and APA referencing. We were observed by some of the biggest bearded names in library and information science, including PB who had regrown facial hair especially for this event. (How my sister J qualified to take part was a mystery to us all.)

When the short girl in the green taffeta dress flashed past we knew that it was time for our next meeting. Despite hurrying I was twenty minutes late. I just couldn’t decide which knickers to wear.

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Brad Pitt’s pants (Belle)

My new boyfriend (Brad Pitt) had only one starry affectation. His name had been embroidered in pink silk onto every item of clothing – including his underpants. Just wait till I showed those to the girls!

For more on Brad Pitt, please see:

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Rousse fails the cheese grater test

I helped DJ cook an enormous lasagne for him to eat after his marathon the next day. My main role was to chop the tomatoes. When DJ complained that someone had tidied away the wee metal hand-mill without washing it first, I was forced to confess. I was the one who had returned the utensil to the drawer with parmesan cheese still stuck in the workings.

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Bananagrams, sharks and sons drama (Rousse)

We were playing Bananagrams with S & N when I pointed out the sharks swimming up the river. Nobody paid any attention to me.

Similarly I was ignored when I told my mother-in-law that if her youngest daughter really did go ahead and give birth to five sons, she would never cope.

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Matt Cardle asks for help (Belle)

My new market stall was decorated with medieval streamers in candy stripe colours. How proud I was of my new venture. Matt Cardle stopped by and asked me to write an introductory email on his behalf to my former best friend A. The strangeness of this request didn’t strike me as I struggled to get the tone right. Only later did I wonder why he hadn’t just telephoned her.

I visited my ex boyfriend and watched him cooking potatoes. As we chatted I discovered he was dating two different top women racing drivers. Why then was he still living in that dump of a flat?

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