Kenneth Branagh pays homage to Sir Laurence Olivier, Shakespeare and Henry V (Rousse)

On our way home by car CI and I stopped off at the latest literary monument. We found it in a small car park, just off the main road.

Inside a glass pyramid not much bigger than a telephone box, and in full theatrical costume, Kenneth Branagh performed Shakespeare’s St Crispin’s Day speech from Henry V over and over again. It was a fitting homage to the work of Sir Laurence Olivier, Shakespeare and Henry V.

However, I later voiced my suspicions that this was not a live performance. Dare I suggest that this was not Branagh for real, but merely a holographic recording on loop?

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Former Sun Microsystems employee turns to a life of crime (Rousse)

The Australian lady appeared to be doing the woman at my table a favour. She said that she was returning the lime green purse that had dropped out of the other woman’s handbag. I, however, was unconvinced that this was true.

As she made to sneak off I grabbed her by the wrist, we grabbled for a couple of minutes, and I eventually pinned her to the ground. Meanwhile the owner of the green purse checked its contents and, sure enough, all the cash was missing.

Closer inspection of the thief revealed that “she” was in fact a “he”. His wallet, extracted from the inside pocket of his jacket, also showed that he was not Australian, but of Chinese nationality, and a former employee of Sun Microsystems.

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Last words of tragic crash victim two days before silver wedding anniversary (Rousse)

It was two days before my silver wedding anniversary and things were not going well at work. GR accused me of spying on him. I argued back that anyone sensible would put their job application into the post inside an envelope and not leave it lying around for others to read. Later on another colleague unfairly mocked my pronunciation of long words beginning with the letter E. He did have a point, however, when he complained that I’d been dribbling chocolate and left stains all over his white shirt sleeve. Eventually we made up and he invited me as a last minute guest on a special work trip.

We were travelling to Stockton-on-Tees by London double decker bus when the disaster struck. One minute we were on the road and the next I felt like I was flying through space. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t feel any pain. Then I suddenly understood that this was the end. I was dying and there was no way back.

For just a couple of minutes I managed to delay my death. I woke on the floor of the Shambles market hall on Stockton High Street, forced my eyes open, and found two caretakers peering over me. They were discussing “the crash” and my chances of survival given my hideous abdominal injuries.

“Please get me a pen and paper”, I croaked. My scribbled dying words to my husband read: “I am sorry that I have died and we didn’t make it to 25 years. Please marry someone else and make her as happy as you made me.”

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New canoe-carrying Dr Who takes to the Tardis (Rousse)

TPR signed up as Dr Who and appointed me as his assistant. To make the role his own, he took his canoe whenever he went. This meant that there was not enough space for me in the Tardis, so I always travelled separately.

My own Tardis was a little basic, the size of a phone box with a concrete floor and a dirty top window. However, the sensation of flying through the air off to my new adventures (writing taxonomies with P and E at the Corstorphine branch of the British Library) was really something else.

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A carnival career and a secret husband (Belle)

I had been working on the carnival for many years now, travelling to dusty towns and living in a covered wagon.

I had worn the same ring for almost 20 years. Made of a dull, grey metal, it featured an empty setting where a jewel should have been set. What most people didn’t notice was that it had been fashioned from an old-style coca-cola ring pull. Suddenly infuriated, I threw the ring down on the floor in front of the man running the ‘test your strength’ stall. “For goodness’ sake, isn’t it about time you bought me a PROPER wedding ring?” I screamed.

This was the first time I had ever asked for anything from my secret husband.

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A fortune in ‘frothing foam’ (Belle)

This was a truly amazing revelation. Not only did my mother have a boyfriend, but he was a multi-millionaire. He had just sold his music business and was looking forward to a life of leisure with my mother alongside him.

Infuriated, I determined to make my ‘frothing foam’ business a success.

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Undercover mission goes awry (Belle)

I was tall sandy-haired boy. Although still only 15 I had been entrusted to undertake surveillance at the new cafe on Hilly Fields. Sipping a vanilla milkshake I saw a middle-aged man pushing a tea trolley. By dropping my napkin, and stooping down to the floor to retrieve it, I was able to see that he had attached three Domestos bottles full of chemical weapons to the underside of the trolley with black tape.

I stood up and denounced him. He immediately attempted to throttle me, but having failed that we sat down together and ate baked potatoes.

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Foreigner seeks bathroom refuge from summer 2012 Jubilee and Olympic Torch (Rousse) hype

I pushed open the tiny bathroom door. Behind it stood a French student and his racing bike. I frowned at the dirty tyre marks on the white-tiled floor.

“What on earth are you doing here?” I asked.

“I had nowhere else to hide from this dratted Diamond Jubilee”, he replied.

“I think you’ll find that the Jubilee celebrations are now all over”, I informed him. “Don’t you mean the Olympic Torch?”

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Lovesick “spy” in purple fleece pyjamas goes shopping for an Easter egg at Woolworths (Rousse)

Such was my haste to accept the invitation to work again with JB and his team that I didn’t have time to dress properly for the mission. I hoped that nobody would notice that I was wearing my purple fleece pyjamas.

As JB took us through the next set of instructions he thanked us for our previous efforts, making special mention of my brother’s contribution. This time we would be working in the woods. At one point he almost revealed how the MI6 recruitment and selection processes force candidates to make a decision over whether or not to commit a crime to secure the job. Only those who do so get through to the next stage.

I realised at the break that my affection for JB was becoming a little too obvious to the others so I left the tea room early, pushed past the mass of Japanese tourists lined up in the corridor queuing for a plane, and went shopping for an Easter egg in Woolworths as a surprise for TPR.

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Kate Humble sets up brewing business (Rousse)

Kate Humble left Springwatch to set up a brewing business. You could hardly miss the news. Her beaming face, framed by a cascade of blond curls, looked out from the front cover of every lifestyle magazine on sale in the corner shop.

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