Alex Kapranos’ baby (Rousse)

Posted on August 5, 2012 by Dreamaticus

As was the tradition in my family, a member of the next generation volunteered to give birth to the child of a celebrity. So now I was a great aunt, and my 16-year old niece AF the mother of Alex Kaparonos’ baby.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

JK Rowling bakes a mean meringue (Rousse)

Posted on August 1, 2012 by Dreamaticus

This is the tale of the day that JK Rowling and I finally secured our friendship. It didn’t start well…

BR scolded me. He couldn’t understand why I thought it acceptable to walk the length of the railway line completely naked. I assured him that I would buy something suitable to wear from one of the charity shops near campus before the students came back for the new academic year. In the meantime I saved him the embarrassment of the sight of my bare backside by ensuring that I was the one who followed behind as we negotiated the track.

Suddenly the route sloped downwards. It was impossible to walk this section, so we slid down it on our bottoms. The track then transformed into a chute and deposited us on the floor of the rare books reading room in the Birmingham University Main Library. The Chinese library assistant busy reshelving seemed not to notice us, even though it was not yet 09:00 (when readers are normally admitted to the building). I hurried BR out into the stairwell with the intention of leaving the library before we were caught. However, when we heard music coming from a nearby room, instead we followed the lady who invited us in.

Stretched out in front of us were rows and rows of seating occupied mainly by library staff, and a stage where classical musicians performed. I took my place next to a smartly dressed blonde woman. She shoved her expensive designer handbag under her chair to make room for me. When I smiled a thank you in acknowledgement I realised that my new neighbour was JK Rowling. She grinned back in recognition. “Didn’t I lend you my blue casserole dish last time we met?” she asked. “Yes, that’s right”, I replied, delighted that she remembered.

We left the concert together and outside in the sunshine I introduced Jo to my parents, sisters and JC. By now it really was time that I headed off to work, but Jo persuaded me to accompany her to the tea party in the art gallery. “I’ll never forgive you if you don’t stay at least long enough to try one of my home-made meringues” she said.

JK Rowling features on Dreamaticus quite frequently. You’ll also find her here:

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The battle for glamour and a triumph over claustrophobia (Rousse)

Posted on July 31, 2012 by Dreamaticus

This was very interesting: Mrs S versus Mrs W. Who would win the battle for glamour between the mothers of my friends VJ and JW?

While they fought it out I pushed past the servants setting tables in the dining room to hunt for my copy of Scotland the best. Eventually I found it, but by then the room had all closed in and the only way back to the others was through the hot fireplace and up the chimney. I was brave, proudly facing up to my claustrophobia as I squeezed past the grate.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Secret plot of primary school friends (Rousse)

Posted on July 31, 2012 by Dreamaticus

Self-nominated Hartburn Primary School high achievers AG and ST took root at a committee table in my bedroom. I had no idea what they were plotting, but apart from the following Wednesday (when AG had to pop back to Stockton to visit his wife Pammy in hospital after her operation), they planned to stay with me for at least two weeks.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Carrot soup success (Rousse)

Posted on July 30, 2012 by Dreamaticus

Our new butler was amazing. I’d only mentioned in passing the night before that I’d like my lunch at 06:30am the next day. At this precise time I awoke to finding him standing at the side of my bed, dressed in smart trousers, a blue shirt and tie, and proffering a bowl of home-made carrot soup.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Belle, the penguin murderer

Posted on July 29, 2012 by Dreamaticus

I was working for a publishing house, the headquarters of which were on an island not unlike the Famous Five’s Kirrin Island.  My bosses were a commune of penguins who wanted to build a ‘more penguiny future’ and I was delighted to be part of their vision.

Every morning I rowed to Penguin Island in a wooden boat with a tartan blanket over my knees.  On my first day of work, I tried very hard to locate an out of print book about an obscure Liverpool footballer of the 1950s for a retired military chap.  Although unable to locate a copy in our archive, I recommended the gentleman try the local public library and I was praised for my creative problem solving. 

All was going well until one day, as I arrived at the island, I found a dead penguin in my boat. It was perfectly obvious that I had accidentally murdered the penguin by repeatedly hitting him over the head with my oars.  Although this was an accident, caused by my rowing style, I had a hell of a lot of explaining to do.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rousse’s fury at friendships unearned

Posted on July 29, 2012 by Dreamaticus

I saw Belle so infrequently that whenever we were together I simply wanted her to myself. She was, after all, my favourite friend in all the world, and I was pretty sure that she felt the same about me. So I was a ball of fury when I noticed that just about everyone else at the conference behaved as if they loved Belle as much as I did, and she seemed just as happy to reciprocate their devoted affection with the same amount of enthusiasm as she did mine!

I was further annoyed by a sales rep speaker who rambled on in the mistaken belief that I knew nothing about conferences. I considered telling him that I had been behind the first of the series that we were now attending, but I couldn’t be bothered.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A lost suitcase, an unknown phone number, and the scandal of banking hours in British provincial towns (Rousse)

Posted on July 29, 2012 by Dreamaticus

It was their mistake, but I should have thought of it earlier, especially since I was the one who would suffer as a result. By the time that I returned to the café H and K had already left. They had remembered to leave my papers for me on the table, but forgotten that my suitcase was still in their car. I would have to phone them to ask them to turn around and bring back my belongings. It was essential that I recovered my soap bag before my work trip next week.

My next problem was that I did not have their number. Then I remembered that K worked for KPMG. I couldn’t get through to Directory Enquiries so instead I walked into South Queensferry where I hoped to find a bank and a friendly clerk who would look up the number for me. The full reality of banking hours in provincial towns hit me as I checked the notices along the high street. There were plenty of banks and building societies here, but not a single one was open. To get any help, I’d have to come back on a Tuesday between 1 and 2pm.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cannibalism and communicating by corn (Rousse)

Posted on July 28, 2012 by Dreamaticus

All this food looked amazing. It was only when you inspected it at close range did you discover its drawbacks:

  • the multitude of dishes stretching across the banquet tables were inedible plastic models;
  • the (real) corn on the cob was not meant to be eaten, but used as a tool for communication – you encoded your message in the maize by plucking out pieces of grain;
  • the butcher’s display comprised cuts of human flesh.

So I was desperately disappointed to find nothing on the banquet table to eat. Then my attempts to send a message to ECM by maize were hopeless because I kept on accidentally nibbling at the wrong bits. There was, of course, no way to correct my grain grammar.

The ethics of selling human body parts was perhaps the most worrying aspect of all in this collection of odd food. I was thinking of reporting my outrage to the authorities when it dawned on me that this, amongst everything else, was just part of some quirky arts performance.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

To America by jet-boat (Rousse)

Posted on July 27, 2012 by Dreamaticus

The new way to travel to the US was by jet-boat. Developments in shipping technology meant that it was just as fast to cross the Atlantic by sea as by air. What is more, in the latter part of the journey passengers could sit on deck and sunbathe.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment