I was at a school reunion in Birmingham when a friend I hadn’t seen for years marched across the empty dance floor towards me. I knew that my old school friends would be impressed. This London friend was quite a celebrity – and he looked pleased to see me. I stepped forward to greet him with a kiss. He, however, merely held out his hand saying “I’m much more formal these days”.
Once again, I felt like a fool.
The staff at Northumbria University were delighted to see me again. We reminisced about the happy days when I would give up my Saturdays to travel down from Edinburgh to Newcastle for the weekly exam boards.
It was about time that someone gave Nigella Lawson some advice on making fairy cakes. That someone was me.
I was intrigued to discover that, according to the headline on the front of Time Magazine, I was now ‘London’s Leading Lady in Glass’.
KT was delighted to try on the latest outfit from my new collection: a cream dress teamed with a wide red patent leather belt and matching court shoes. She ran over to the promenade and posed for photos, quite the model.
The French man pushed the shopping trolley with one hand and carried the naked newborn baby in his other. He had walked for miles from the remote island of Noss (Shetland) just to register the baby’s birth. I wondered why the child was quite so hairy. Where was its mother, and what exactly was its parentage?
The other external examiner shared my concerns regarding the PhD thesis. “What are these postcards of medieval stained glass windows doing in the appendices?” she cried. “This is simply pretentious!”
My sister J screamed for TPR. He rushed to her rescue. She’d trapped her middle finger in a door and now it was starting to swell. However, for the amount of fuss she was making you’d have thought that her hand had been chopped off completely.
There was only one thing for it: to feed her Green and Black chocolate until she stopped wailing.
When Katie Price (Jordan) planned to marry for the 8th time, I was appointed her chief advisor.
Read about Katie Price’s other antics on Dreamaticus:
