I was unsuccessful in my application for a job as a locum GP. The reason was the quality of my references:
To kill time before my dinner date with TPR, I wandered around the huge Tesco store. I admired the massive suitcases, and the extensive collection of huge tents and other camping equipment.
When I exited the shop and started to walk towards the restaurant, a woman approached me. I was alarmed that she seemed intent on causing me harm. In fact, all that she wanted to do was offer me directions.
I reached the restaurant only to discover that it had gone out of business months ago. Furthermore, TPR was nowhere to be seen.
When I called TPR’s mobile, a stranger answered: ‘This is Laurence Passmore. You have been hacked. If you do not pay my ransom, I will release all your data’.
The last time that I had seen my mother’s vast drawing room it looked like an antiques salesroom, crammed from floor to ceiling with fine furniture and paintings. Now it was empty.
I found my sister S fast asleep under a heap of ragged blankets on a dirty mattress on the dining room floor.
When I asked what had happened to all the valuables, she muttered that ‘some men in a van’ had collected everything. She couldn’t remember the date they came, but she definitely didn’t see the auctioneer and hadn’t asked for a receipt.
It didn’t make sense to carry everything that we had packed on the second part of our highland holiday, so we left our excess baggage at the self-catering cottage in Pitlochry. We would call in to collect it on our return journey south in a week’s time.
Of course, we hadn’t considered that others would rent the cottage immediately after us. When we returned to the house, we found a family of three – a mother, father and a toddler – fast asleep upstairs. They stirred as I push open the bedroom door. As apology, I offered the parents a cup of tea.
Our belongings strewn around the place for the week had not caused any problems. In fact, the parents hadn’t even noticed them.
The family’s holiday had not been as restful as ours. The miserable worn-out wife told me that she had been left in charge of the boisterous toddler while her medic husband worked. She couldn’t even look forward to going home. She was ashamed to say that they lived in Hull.
John Humphrys spent much time chatting to me at his retirement party. He posed for a photograph with me and my American PhD students. They had no idea of his identity.
I also spotted Bernard Cribbins amongst the guests. He was just another ‘unknown’ as far as the students were concerned.
Simon Cowell begged me to support him in his collaboration with sworn enemy Louis Walsh.
‘This will be my last ever chance to reach number 1 in the charts’ he explained.
The University of Birmingham revealed the institution’s innovative widening access policy at the launch of a spanking new hall of residence.
All incoming students who had attended state schools would no longer be liable for fees. Those privately educated, however, would still need to pay up for their university education.
The two categories of student would be identified by their footwear. As demonstration, the site manager handed a pair of (mainly pink) multi-coloured wellington boots to me and TPR. We were to wear these as a mark of our privately-educated status.
TPR’s mother, who was also in the audience at the launch, did not spot us.
My sister S made two demands:
(1) We pay for her to go on holiday to Spain with her boyfriend C.
(2) After the holiday, she moves in with us.
It was a miracle. My sister had cleared the floor of her bedroom of all her junk! The carpet was finally visible and all the furniture could now be seen. Added to this, my sister had discovered that behind her room there was another one, complete with a secret staircase that led upstairs.
The second room was a treasure trove of smart Georgian furniture. My late father must have bought all these pieces in the 1970s. Labels that hung from the keys to the wardrobes and armoires stated their purchase price, every one over £5000. What a pity that the value of antiques had dropped so low in recent years!
HVJ, however, noted that some of the jewellery in my sister’s ‘main’ bedroom was probably valuable. She picked out a pearl bracelet from a glass cabinet. ‘This is worth at least £3000’, she said. The issue now was whether the bracelet belonged to my sister or to my mother’s estate.
Former Professor of Information Science BC showed off his acting talents when he played the lead role in the remake of Fantastic Mr Fox.
Dreamaticus 