Dreamaticus

Keen to make a mark in her new role, the recently-appointed professor organised a one-day networking event on campus. I agreed to come along to support this short, dark-haired woman, and offered to bring a dish for the evening meal. However, I had no official role in respect of the organisation of the proceedings.

On the day itself, I handed over a ratatouille. The professor was obviously very disappointed with my efforts. Although I had made the dish in the largest Le Creuset dish that I owned, it would only serve about eight people. She was expecting 700 at her event and she had assumed that I would be catering for every single delegate. Panicking, she asked how I would deal with this sudden catering crisis.

‘How will I deal with it?’ I asked her. ‘Why is this any of my business? I suggest that you ask the University kitchen staff to see if they can help you out at short notice.’

The Head of University Catering regretted that there was nothing that his staff could do, so I suggested a huge fish and chips order from an external supplier (or suppliers). The professor, however, favoured sending the delegates home hungry with the promise of a meal on another date. She failed to realise that inviting 700 people back on campus would incur a huge travel bill for the University. This was because the institution had offered to cover costs for everyone involved in attending the event.

When her boss eventually learnt that all was not well, the professor laid the blame on me.

‘How can you say that?’ I objected. ‘I don’t even work here!’

Although I was upset by her assumptions and accusations, I still wanted to help the professor. So after she stormed out of the meeting with her boss, I followed her back towards the throng of people enjoying the afternoon’s networking sessions.

I took the route along the top of a high cupboard.  This revealed a huge surprise: the perfect vantage point for watching the University’s senior management relax naked in the on-campus sauna.

Later, when I related the trauma of the day to my mother-in-law, she magicked up my long dead maternal grandmother, a puppy, and a bouquet of flowers. These made me feel a lot better. I was, however, rather curious about my granny. She looked far too healthy to be a corpse.