My second worst ever boyfriend decided to take me to Italy to show off his new friends – a group of minor royals. “See how much fun we’re having”, he said to me as a group of them posed and pranced on a steep cobbled street that was festooned with brightly coloured laundry hanging between windows. I said “I’d be more impressed if there wasn’t a film crew and a director telling them what to do”.

Later I opened my bag and discovered I had inadvertently stolen two spoons and two knives from Queen Elizabeth II’s charity shop. I vowed to return the next day and confess.