A frightening encounter with an vicious labradoodle and a zombie businessman (Rousse)

They were both out to get me: the white labradoodle that leapt to bite my hand, and the zombie in the blood-stained business suit.

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A car, a castle, and a sunset (Rousse)

DMcL was not at his workshop, but TPR and I knew what to do.

We drove the car onto the raised platform, shifted our weight to prevent it wobbling off, then jumped down over the pillows and cushions. DMcL could take a look at the car later.

Afterwards we wandered down to the harbour hand-in hand to take a quick look at the castle, then watch the amber light hit the mountains as the sun set over the sea on the far horizon.

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Tracy-Ann Oberman offers too much choice in a sweet shop (Belle)

The counter and the walls displayed every type of sweet and chocolate you could imagine.  I had three £20 notes and I wanted to choose wisely before I went back to the lake.  Licorice?  It looked good but it wasn’t right. I dithered.  Behind the counter Tracy-Ann Oberman was becoming impatient.  In a panic I ordered a box of Meltis Newberry Fruits and a ‘cinema pack of Minstrels’. What a disappointment.

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Snow and stovies on election day (Rousse)

When we tried to go outside we found a metre of snow banked up against the back door. I asked TPR not to touch it while I made a dash for my camera. He disobeyed me, and immediately got started on making smiley face snow sculptures.

Then I remembered that it was voting day. I pulled on some brown leggings and wrapped the upper half of my body in my duvet for the short walk down to the polling station. There was jovial atmosphere amongst the voters. Some men were drinking pints, and everyone in the queue was offered stovies. My portion was somewhat disappointing, however, due to its excessive fat content.

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A ‘single mingle’ dinner party (Belle)

About a dozen eager singles took their places around the dark wood dining table.  The candles were lit and the bowls of fruit shone in the flickering light.  It really was a wonderful setting.

Making polite conversation I asked the woman sitting next to me what she did for a living.  “I’m a continuity announcer for CBeebies“, she said.  I felt immediately crushed by how dull I was.

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Northumberland to Newbury the roundabout way (Rousse)

Perhaps it was a mistake to allow the youngest member of our party to drive? The small, slim woman made so many navigational mistakes that we ended up travelling from Hexham to Corbridge via Norton. It took three hours to travel just 11 miles. At this rate it would be weeks before we reached Newbury.

A further problem was that I was expected to snog the dog. This was completely out of the question, no matter how handsome a creature he was in his shiny black and tan coat.

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Dietary advice as the Pogues play Leith Walk (Rousse)

When the bill arrived I could not understand why it only came to £10.50. Surely it cost more to see the Pogues in concert on Leith Walk?

SE paid with his credit card. Then someone I barely knew gave him a ready meal chicken salad with the instruction that he needed to lose some weight.

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Elevator danger (Rousse)

AL gave up his usual duties as a computing academic for life as an elevator operator. His lift was very dangerous: instead of steel, the sides were made from 1970s blue and white flowery curtains.

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Rousse the terrorist and Belle the gangster’s moll (Rousse)

I left the swimming pool at about 2:30am when I noticed that all the lights had gone out and the staff had disappeared. I caught the lift to the third floor, found my room, and pushed open the door.

The room was crammed with big, burly members of the US police force, all with their guns trained on me. Their leader, an enormous woman, explained their presence. They knew that I was involved in terrorist plots that had already led to deaths in London and – on that basis – I was under arrest.

It was true. I had set up some meetings by email, although I believed that nobody knew this.

What really worried me, however, was that now that I had been identified, Belle would be under suspicion too. She would have to stop the Catford gangsters subbing her luxurious lifestyle. Otherwise the authorities would believe that her ‘dirty money’ came from the same sources as mine.

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More parking misery in Edinburgh (Rousse)

TPR looked great in the smart chauffeur’s uniform. He parked the Rolls Royce, dropped off his charges, and spent the afternoon with me.

When he returned to his duties TPR found that the traffic wardens had plastered the vehicle with parking tickets. Who was responsible for paying for them: his employer, or TPR himself? Or perhaps he could persuade the traffic wardens that it would be extremely mean to fine a couple who had made a special trip to Edinburgh to get married?

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