Early funeral arrangements (Rousse)

With very poor knowledge of the geography of the south of England I had hoped for more help from the red-uniformed staff on the newly-appointed Virgin East Coast service.

The overweight guard pulled out a section of an Ordnance Survey map from a polythene pocket in a ring binder and made an attempt to locate Suffolk. The man next to me pointed out that the town wouldn’t feature on this section of the map: it was too far north. Meanwhile I argued that we should be looking at the area around Lyme Regis in Dorset.

At this rate I was never going to reach the funeral in time. But then I remembered that it hadn’t yet been organised, not least because the person in question wasn’t dead – yet.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Classic car investment (Rousse)

I despaired at my parents who proudly showed off their latest acquisition. This was a set of four wrecked ‘classic’ cars that they considered to be valuable vintage vehicles. There was a badly bashed grey Golf GTi, a Ford Cortina, a black Vauxhall, and another make that I did not recognise.

My father saw this as an investment. My own view was that this was yet more junk that I and my poor sisters would be obliged to sort out in a state of grief following my parents’ deaths.

Rather than more unnecessary spending on other people’s cast-offs, I argued that their time would be better spent caring for the belongings that actually meant something to us, such as the handkerchief embroidered by nuns that I found under the sofa. This featured our saints’ names, and would look lovely framed.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Royston Vasey theme park tricks the tourists (Rousse)

Although we had supposedly travelled south for dozens of miles, the architecture of the towns through which we passed over the course of the whole journey was very similar to that of our starting point in Yorkshire. Even the countryside in the grey mist looked the same. We must have passed through Richmond dressed up in various guises at least five times.

When we reached our hotel I explained to the others that I knew that we had been tricked. We were not on our way to Bristol, but stuck inside a sophisticated theme park near the village of Royston Vasey.

Before we sat down to dinner I ordered a cup of tea and a teacake. I had to double check that my request for a teacake had not been misheard as ‘cheesecake’.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Barcelona penthouse party (Rousse)

Belle was staying at SH’s penthouse apartment in Barcelona. From my vantage point at the conference hotel window I could see the pair of them dancing on the roof-top.

I was so keen to join them, but first I had to find a way of escaping the sessions. Although it was interesting to be at a Sun Microsystems jamboree after such a long break, I was desperate to work out a way of climbing up the side of SH’s apartment block to party with my friends.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A 4-person tandem ride to the Lammermuir Hills (Rousse)

Rather than catch the 23 bus, I jumped onto the back saddle of a 4-person tandem. This would, I hope, take me through Leith, up Bonnington Road, and home.

Instead the route was along the promenade at Portobello, then east into the Lammermuir Hills. The ‘driver’ had a hopeless sense of direction and kept forgetting to steer. I would never make it home by 10:45 to wave off my weekend guests.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The jewel thieves’ calling card (Rousse)

The holes in the Blipfoto book were not the work of moths in the bedroom. They were, in fact, a message from the burglars who had stolen half my jewellery. The holes couldn’t have been made by the moths anyway. They were too perfect. They looked as if they had been created by a hole-punch.

I went into the kitchen to tell TPR about my discovery, but struggled to get his attention. He was too busy discussing the payment of the toothless plumber who had just sorted out the problems with the lavatory in the back bathroom.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A knitwear surprise and a trip to the beach via York (Rousse)

Seven year-old KF burst into tears when I said that I was looking forward to seeing the jumper that she was knitting for me. Her mother shot me a sharp glance that read “You weren’t supposed to know about it. It was meant to be a surprise”. KF then ran down to the shore to explore the lime kiln shaped structure on the beach.

We took the long way round through the reconstruction of medieval York. Here my mother almost got stuck in a smelly drain.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Scary nuns and a transsexual (Rousse)

This was a convent with a difference: none of the nuns dressed in habits. They were still scary, however. I was terrified when I accidentally got tangled up in the hose from their washing machine, tugged it out of the socket, and water gushed down the stairs – so much so that I vomited.

Then there was the awkward moment when I wanted to introduce BB and a couple of others to my thin, beige-clad transsexual friend. I forgot her new female name. Fortunately before she realised this she introduced herself as Katharine, and told us that we should all call her Katie.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Morningside’s mathematics expert (Rousse)

Putting my super-sleuth skills to good use, I determined that the Schnauzer owner that I had met online was a retired teacher from Morningside, and the author of the maths textbook Let’s fix it.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bob Marley plays with talent show hopeful (Rousse)

Such was the success of TV talent show hopeful FG that he and his father J were invited to gig with Bob Marley.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment