Venice turns pink in Newcastle-upon-Tyne (Rousse)

Every morning I visited my sister S to try on the clothes that she had acquired for me from the charity shops the previous day. It was also our habit to watch half an hour of terrible daytime television together before I set off to work. S lived in Newcastle’s ‘Venice’, a shocking pink complex created in the lower levels of an abandoned NCP car park next to the River Tyne. The mix of inhabitants included several rather inactive families. I wondered why the children didn’t attend school.

One day Venice’s architect came to visit her creation. She recognised S from her interview for art college, and asked what she was up to these days. S explained that her main occupation was charity shop shopping. I displayed my morning haul of jackets and tops as evidence of S’s buying skills. It looked like the architect was also impressed with S’s eye for fashion, and was about to offer her a job. I wasn’t able to stay long enough to find out if this really was the case.

Instead I had an appointment with an all-male team of staff from a professional body and a consultancy firm. Before sitting down to discuss business each morning they completed a 5k hill race through the forest. If I wanted to work with them, I had to do the same. It was very painful running over stony tracks in pop socks. They were ripped to shreds by the end of the exercise.

I had harboured a personal ambition to beat S in the race, so was rather disappointed when he didn’t participate on this particular morning.

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Sisters, a crop top, a wooden dinosaur, a knitted kangeroo, and a Christmas lunch invitation (Rousse)

I mentioned to my sister S that it was probably not a good idea to go out in a crop top. It was a cold day. In addition, ‘Madonna circa 1986’ was no longer a good look in 2015.

My other sister joined in the discussion uninvited. First she drew attention to the weight that I had put on in the period since I had been forced to give up running. Then she picked a fight with both me and S over the ownership of (1) a wooden dinosaur toy that she found peeping out of the skirting board, and (2) a red-knitted kangaroo.

Oblivious to our disgraceful behaviour, my mother still went ahead and invited KF for Christmas lunch. I couldn’t believe it when KF said she’d be delighted to come along. I wouldn’t have accepted had I just witnessed such pathetic sibling scrapping.

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Warren Clarke horse date fail (Rousse)

I made an arrangement with Warren Clarke to see him first thing the next day about a horse. Then I forgot. Would he ever forgive me?

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Lord Sugar’s reassuring wink (Rousse)

My committee had been taken over by a drag queen dressed in a yellow and purple mini-skirt and a yellow nylon wig. I dare not object, however, because she was also a senior member of academic staff.

Her first task was to dispute everything that I had written in the minutes of the past meeting. The corrections that she suggested were going to make the updated set of minutes twice as long as the original.

Then she broke the meeting up and took half of us downstairs. Here we ate chocolate tray bakes while waiting for our turn to give a five minute presentation on the three most important aspects of our work. With so little notice I decided that my only option was to say something about Athena SWAN, my knowledge management class, and the impact of the work of the Library and Information Science Research Coalition.

When Lord Sugar winked at me I knew that my choice of subjects was perfect.

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Looking for a lighter (Rousse)

‘Dressed’ only in a white hand towel, I had locked myself out of my room. Regardless I joined the others at the disco where my playlist was keeping everyone well entertained. NP led the singing, as usual. Towards the end SMcC’s partner AS revealed that he was a smoker and asked me to find him a lighter. Accommodating as ever, I set off on this new mission.

I knew that if I could find XY, he would have a lighter. I thought I spotted him in Waterstones, but soon noticed that everyone was wearing black and yellow bandanas, and they couldn’t all be him. A better bet for lighter supplies would be one of two male friends from school – MG and ST – both of whom told me independently that they were about to open competing newsagent businesses.

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Loyal husband cuckolded by crofter – again (Rousse)

Falling back into G’s arms seemed so natural. All thought of TPR evaporated – until KA spotted me sneaking out of the croft gate the next morning. Would she tell on me, I wondered?

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Moomin stationery encounter (Rousse)

I met the author of a relatively well-known academic web site in a shop that sold Moomin stationery. I was disappointed that she had never heard of me, even when I told her my Twitter handle.

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Adding a second floor to a bungalow (Rousse)

‘We need to get this car fixed’ I said to TPR as it juddered up Burnland Terrace in Hexham. I was embarrassed that SM was a passenger in our old Fiat Stilo, and witness to its poor performance.

The problems with the car were forgotten when we turned into Broadway Gardens. L, T and family had moved into number 6 (now renumbered 22) following some renovations. They joined the house to the garage, installed bank-grade security doors, raised the roof, created an upstairs floor, added five bedrooms, and landscaped the back garden. This was no longer a bungalow for the retired, but a mansion and estate that would take some looking after. For a start the F family now needed three gardeners just to keep on top of the weeding.

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Confusion on Edinburgh’s 47 bus route – in Liverpool (Rousse)

TPR checked the bus routes online. We needed a 47. We jumped on the bus and it took us so far beyond the city limits that we did not recognise our surroundings.

When we asked the South African traffic warden where we were it dawned on us that we had bought bus tickets for a service in Liverpool, and not Edinburgh.

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A disputed opinion of Brooke – and another lost suitcase (Rousse)

It was probably just as well that I was leaving town. The last few meals with NP, GB and JLW had been rather awkward. Somehow I kept saying the wrong thing. The last straw came when one of the others started talking enthusiastically about a school friend called Brooke. I was sure that I had taught this woman in my last job. My assessment of her did not match with this glowing report, but it would have been impolite to say so.

The problem with my departure, however, was that (once again) I had lost the suitcase that I had purchased with my Tesco vouchers. This time I left it on the train at Haymarket Station.

TPR eventually came to the rescue. As well as finding my suitcase, he brought the pair of black trousers that I had forgotten to pack. It was a pity that he hadn’t also had time to create the PowerPoint file I needed for the conference the next day. Although I had the full presentation written out in long-hand, I had no slides. I just hoped that my slot would be programmed late enough in the day so that I would have time to create some slides before I was due on stage.

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