An eventful conference in a bookshop (Belle)

Posted on October 11, 2024 by Dreamaticus

The conference was being held across multiple floors of the bookshop. On registration I received my delegate badge and was asked to open my handbag. As soon as I did, a woman quickly placed a ribeye steak inside and gave me a wink. This was a completely unexpected, but welcome, conference freebie.

Later, I was chatting to some American delegates when I became distracted by a Victorian round tower outside. I knew that this building was currently being squatted and I felt a wave of envy. What a wonderful place to live, I thought. Then I watched a man arrive and realised that the only access to the tower was via a vaulting pole.

Towards the end of the event, I had a rather passionate make-out session with a gay man. This was not going to develop into a relationship, I realised.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Toddler up a lamppost (Belle)

Posted on October 11, 2024 by Dreamaticus

This was the opposite of what I expected to see on a quiet Sunday morning on the A20. Across the road, playfully giggling down at his parents, a toddler was sitting at the very top of a towering lamppost. How did he get up there, I wondered. And why were his parents asking him how he got up there rather than taking any steps to get him down? This could be fun, I thought. Maybe firefighters will have to rescue him which would be an exciting spectacle. Unwilling to gawp, I pretended to look for something in my bag, but when I looked up again, the toddler was back on the pavement, laughing at his parents.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Made up in red, white, and blue (Rousse)

Posted on October 8, 2024 by Dreamaticus

My latest humiliation was to be forced to wear ridiculous make-up.

They plastered my pale face with chalk white foundation. Then, to my lips, they applied movie star red lipstick outlined with electric blue eyeliner.

I looked a complete fright.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

How to avoid the United States (Belle)

Posted on October 4, 2024 by Dreamaticus

Travelling around south America in a decrepit school bus was not my idea of a holiday. In fact I had no memory of how this had happened or how I got here. Everywhere we went puppies and kittens sat in the middle of the road and I had to keep getting off the bus to flag down traffic to avoid incidents.

Then off we went to Canada. The journey was – again – a mystery but now here I was staying in a squat with my friend JB. On the second day, we were setting off on a trip organised by her. I quickly ran back into the house to use the loo. When I returned, there was no sign of my friend. When I rang her she said, “Oh, we’re on the tram to Falconwood”. Angered, I walked back to the house but couldn’t find it. So I went to a café and bought a salad to take to the park. When I opened the salad it was mouldy but when I went to return it I couldn’t find the café. And now I’d forgotten where we were staying.

The only good thing about this holiday, I thought, was that we’d not gone to the United States.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Gym buddies (Rousse)

Posted on October 4, 2024 by Dreamaticus

I was pleased to be establishing myself as a core member of the gym.

This was evident, for example, in invitations to the houses of long-term members. I enjoyed sitting on R&R’s thick dark brown carpet telling them that the teenage Rousse shared their taste in soft furnishings.

I also scored highly with fitness trainer MM when I introduced him to TPR. MM was impressed to see that my husband was mixed race. He was also astonished to find that the pair of them shared mutual friend Tim Hope (who happened to have a daughter who looked just like me). I was, however, a bit disappointed that TPR looked so skinny when he stood next to MM.

At my next pilates class, I spotted sisters M and D handing money over to M. They were signing up for M’s next fitness retreat day at the end of the month. If only I could attend too, then I’d have an even greater opportunity to integrate further with my fellow gym members.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A 15 stone friend (Rousse)

Posted on October 1, 2024 by Dreamaticus

You couldn’t miss ECM these days, now that she weighed 15 stone!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Jilted mistress seeks kitchenware (Rousse)

Posted on September 30, 2024 by Dreamaticus

Our former neighbour J came to the right place when she needed some pans. I unlocked our shed and offered her our selection of redundant Le Creuset items. I warned her that I wasn’t giving them away; she would have to pay for anything that she took.

I was interested to learn that she needed kitchenware to set up a home on her own. Her married lover could no longer afford to keep as her as his mistress while continuing to support his wife and children as a supposed respectable married man.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Arrested by the Donald Trump militia (Belle)

Posted on September 29, 2024 by Dreamaticus

I was standing in the middle of a packed sports hall in a Mediterranean country when a group of armed men, dressed in black, pounced on me and arrested me for “sedition against Donald Trump”.

Later my travel companions came to visit me in my cell. We all agreed we needed to Google ‘sedition’. Then S said “Belle, you are due back at work on Monday – won’t your bosses be angry?” and I belly-laughed, “Are you kidding, they’ll think it’s effing cool”.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Undercover work at the sex club (Belle)

Posted on September 29, 2024 by Dreamaticus

I had infiltrated a high end swingers party in London’s King’s Cross by dressing head to toe as an invisible ninja. I recognised politicians and influencers chit-chatting in an animated fashion in the bar. It was all pretty tame stuff. Then I spotted my former best friend, A, sitting in the middle of the crowd quietly reading a paperback. She was bound to expose me as a spy, so I decided to leave and waited for a night bus. Every bus I caught seemed to take me further away from home until I ended up in Perry Barr in Birmingham in the 1970s.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

High end living with Jason Statham (Belle)

Posted on September 29, 2024 by Dreamaticus

I was trying hard to become accustomed to my new life as “The Stath’s” current squeeze. When we arrived at the hotel, I was no longer expected to walk to the reception desk to check in. Instead, Jason drove me through the hotel lobby in his vintage silver sports car.

The receptionist leant in through the window: “We understand that you were so tired when you checked in two hours ago that you slept through your telephone ringing.” I was confused by her elaborate nods and winks until it dawned on me. I was an international jewel thief and the hotel was giving me an alibi.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment