Made up in red, white, and blue (Rousse)

Posted on October 8, 2024 by Dreamaticus

My latest humiliation was to be forced to wear ridiculous make-up.

They plastered my pale face with chalk white foundation. Then, to my lips, they applied movie star red lipstick outlined with electric blue eyeliner.

I looked a complete fright.

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How to avoid the United States (Belle)

Posted on October 4, 2024 by Dreamaticus

Travelling around south America in a decrepit school bus was not my idea of a holiday. In fact I had no memory of how this had happened or how I got here. Everywhere we went puppies and kittens sat in the middle of the road and I had to keep getting off the bus to flag down traffic to avoid incidents.

Then off we went to Canada. The journey was – again – a mystery but now here I was staying in a squat with my friend JB. On the second day, we were setting off on a trip organised by her. I quickly ran back into the house to use the loo. When I returned, there was no sign of my friend. When I rang her she said, “Oh, we’re on the tram to Falconwood”. Angered, I walked back to the house but couldn’t find it. So I went to a café and bought a salad to take to the park. When I opened the salad it was mouldy but when I went to return it I couldn’t find the café. And now I’d forgotten where we were staying.

The only good thing about this holiday, I thought, was that we’d not gone to the United States.

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Gym buddies (Rousse)

Posted on October 4, 2024 by Dreamaticus

I was pleased to be establishing myself as a core member of the gym.

This was evident, for example, in invitations to the houses of long-term members. I enjoyed sitting on R&R’s thick dark brown carpet telling them that the teenage Rousse shared their taste in soft furnishings.

I also scored highly with fitness trainer MM when I introduced him to TPR. MM was impressed to see that my husband was mixed race. He was also astonished to find that the pair of them shared mutual friend Tim Hope (who happened to have a daughter who looked just like me). I was, however, a bit disappointed that TPR looked so skinny when he stood next to MM.

At my next pilates class, I spotted sisters M and D handing money over to M. They were signing up for M’s next fitness retreat day at the end of the month. If only I could attend too, then I’d have an even greater opportunity to integrate further with my fellow gym members.

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A 15 stone friend (Rousse)

Posted on October 1, 2024 by Dreamaticus

You couldn’t miss ECM these days, now that she weighed 15 stone!

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Jilted mistress seeks kitchenware (Rousse)

Posted on September 30, 2024 by Dreamaticus

Our former neighbour J came to the right place when she needed some pans. I unlocked our shed and offered her our selection of redundant Le Creuset items. I warned her that I wasn’t giving them away; she would have to pay for anything that she took.

I was interested to learn that she needed kitchenware to set up a home on her own. Her married lover could no longer afford to keep as her as his mistress while continuing to support his wife and children as a supposed respectable married man.

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Arrested by the Donald Trump militia (Belle)

Posted on September 29, 2024 by Dreamaticus

I was standing in the middle of a packed sports hall in a Mediterranean country when a group of armed men, dressed in black, pounced on me and arrested me for “sedition against Donald Trump”.

Later my travel companions came to visit me in my cell. We all agreed we needed to Google ‘sedition’. Then S said “Belle, you are due back at work on Monday – won’t your bosses be angry?” and I belly-laughed, “Are you kidding, they’ll think it’s effing cool”.

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Undercover work at the sex club (Belle)

Posted on September 29, 2024 by Dreamaticus

I had infiltrated a high end swingers party in London’s King’s Cross by dressing head to toe as an invisible ninja. I recognised politicians and influencers chit-chatting in an animated fashion in the bar. It was all pretty tame stuff. Then I spotted my former best friend, A, sitting in the middle of the crowd quietly reading a paperback. She was bound to expose me as a spy, so I decided to leave and waited for a night bus. Every bus I caught seemed to take me further away from home until I ended up in Perry Barr in Birmingham in the 1970s.

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High end living with Jason Statham (Belle)

Posted on September 29, 2024 by Dreamaticus

I was trying hard to become accustomed to my new life as “The Stath’s” current squeeze. When we arrived at the hotel, I was no longer expected to walk to the reception desk to check in. Instead, Jason drove me through the hotel lobby in his vintage silver sports car.

The receptionist leant in through the window: “We understand that you were so tired when you checked in two hours ago that you slept through your telephone ringing.” I was confused by her elaborate nods and winks until it dawned on me. I was an international jewel thief and the hotel was giving me an alibi.

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Hoarder order (Rousse)

Posted on September 25, 2024 by Dreamaticus

The rumours that my sister lived in complete chaos were false. She had disposed of all the hoarded belongings from one room in her flat and was now busy painting it white. Her bedroom was also very neat and tidy. The beautiful green carpet was clear of debris, with all my sister’s clothes neatly tidied away in a handsome chest of drawers.

Only the kitchen and sitting room needed serious attention.

I wondered whether the complaints about the state of her flat were simply a ruse to generate pity?

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Ideas for a four star toilet (Rousse)

Posted on September 23, 2024 by Dreamaticus

For a restaurant that had aspirations for 4* status, the ladies lavatories needed much attention. My suggestions for improvement included:

  • Placing toilet paper inside the cubicles, rather than glueing individual rations onto the cubicle doors with sticking plasters.
  • Widening the cubicles so that there was sufficient space for a comfortable visit to the loo.
  • Asking the plumber at work inside the cubicle to declare himself to the visitor before she did her business.*

*I almost jumped out of my skin when, at the end of my visit, he announced his presence by tapping the back of my leg with the end of a screwdriver.

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