Rwandan driver leads travellers a merry dance over the sand dunes of Holy Island with a horse (Rousse)

After an enormous breakfast of smoked salmon and roast potatoes – some of which I had to put back in the fridge because I simply couldn’t manage it all – I caught the train south. My travelling companions were TPR, a teenage Perthshire schoolgirl and her 5 year old sister heading for Heathrow airport with a sack of potatoes and several large bottles of milk, and a tall Rwandan man in his early twenties.

I had met the Rwandan before when we had shared a commentating job at a recent sports event. I was pleased to see him again. Indeed TPR and I got on with him so well that when we reached Berwick-upon-Tweed TPR and I left the train to take up of his offer of a lift for the rest of the journey south. At the time we didn’t appreciate that his mode of transport was horse and carriage, nor that we would be stopping off at every tourist attraction along the route to London.

The first destination was the Holy Island of Lindisfarne. It was bad enough that we would be interrupting our journey to cross the causeway and see the sights. Worse still, our driver felt obliged to access the island on foot. He unhitched the beautiful black horse from the carriage and led it over the sand dunes. TPR and I followed, carrying all our belongings for fear that they would be stolen from the carriage if it were left unguarded. Our driver walked at a terrific pace, and we soon lost him. Poor TPR struggled even to keep up with me due to blisters from his new shoes.

By the time we reached the island, and its new visitor centre which charged for access to the village, our driver had disappeared completely. His horse was tethered to a tree in the distance, but he was gone forever.

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An ousted father and an ice cream (Rousse)

We found the children dredging the canal in their back garden. Their mother was nowhere to be seen, apparently at work. When they fell silent we looked up and saw their father at the gate.

‘We are not allowed to speak to him’, the elder girl explained.

There were no rules governing the actions of me and TPR, so we were free to leave the girls and engage with their father. He gave me an over-long kiss, then led us along the road. He told us that he liked his new flat, and he knew where the three of us could find a nice ice cream.

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Monk’s bench fortune (Rousse)

I discovered three canvas bags stuffed with money. Two were orange and one was blue. I stuffed them into a monk’s bench while I considered what to do with ‘my’ recently acquired fortune.

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Caliper freedom (Rousse)

Holidaying with KA’s family was more fun than I anticipated, especially given the beautiful weather.

As we returned to the house after another fun day, we discussed plans for dinner. My idea of a barbecue was very popular. We also talked about KA’s blue calipers. She was pleased to report that they would be coming off her legs in about a month.

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A salmon sandwich (Rousse)

Every lunchtime RK bought a big slab of fish from the mobile shop at the railway station, not far from the office. He kept his purchase in the fridge in the office in the afternoon, then took it home in the evening for his supper.

I fancied a salmon sandwich for my lunch, so joined RK in the queue for the shop. When it came to paying, I couldn’t find my purse. However, RK kindly lent me £2.13 for my purchase, which included the VAT, calculated separately.

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Axe-wielding trespasser is not a thief (Rousse)

The still-warm blue overalls slung over a chair proved that someone else had been using ‘my’ dressing room – most likely one of the gardeners. I glanced out the window and saw him in action, swaying through the trees on a rope with an axe.

I was grateful that he had not touched any of my belongings while borrowing my space. Two lacy bras, a couple of heirloom rings, and a tiny silver seal ornament were all still sitting on the tall dresser where I had left them.

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A Tartan Pole (Rousse)

The first person that I came across upstairs at the White House was a sulky half-naked teenage Polish friend of my nephew. I was appalled that she barely greeted me when we passed one another in the upstairs hall.

When I heard that she was refusing to wear the outfit that my nephew had specially selected for her after much effort hunting through the local charity shops I felt obliged to confront her. I first accused her of being arrogant, then instructed her to wear the silk tartan waistcoat, tie and jacket – or else.

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Killer whale identification (Rousse)

‘Oh, and there are a couple of killer whales’ I said, pointing out to sea.

‘No they’re not’ my companion corrected me. ‘They’re just black seabirds close to the shore’.

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Bride cooks beans for her wedding (Rousse)

My sister S stirred an enormous steaming pan of green beans on the Aga.

‘Why are you cooking in such quantities?’ I asked her.

‘I’m catering for my wedding next week, of course’ she replied. ‘Do you think I should add some more salt?’

The was the first that I had heard of her marriage plans. I pondered who could be the lucky bride-groom.

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Scaling walls on the Holy Island of Lindisfarne (Rousse)

There was no room for a staircase when the house on Holy Island was first built. Portable suction pads were provided to the residents so that they could scale the walls to reach the upper floors.

My elderly mother was expert at internal wall-climbing. She could nimbly place one hand over the other and scamper all the way up to the ceiling. I was absolutely hopeless. I couldn’t even get the first suction pad to stick on the wall at ground level.

I argued with my family that it was high time they did something to save all this hassle. Surely now it was time to put in a modern spiral staircase?

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