I found D naked on all fours in the cold classroom where he he had taken refuge before Christmas.
He looked terrible. His long hair had matted into dreadlocks, and he was dangerously thin having not eaten for about six weeks.
I called an ambulance as fast as I could.
While their flat was being renovated BM and RG initially stayed with MSB and DB, but now it was our turn to play host. We didn’t have much space for them because there were many others also in residence at our flat, including my niece AF, who would be turning 21 while with us.
This made for some fun with sleeping arrangements. I found it very amusing to wake up in the morning to find someone that I first met in class as a PhD student (BM) lying next to me. He did not find this quite so entertaining.
Dressing and eating was also difficult due to the number of people and lack of space. Without access to my own clothes I had to raid AF’s chest of drawers for underwear (even though everything was far too small for me). Food was limited, and not many of us were willing to try the big triangular cheese that looked like a parsnip, regardless of my mother’s protestations that it tasted delicious.
An Australian woman called Helen started spending a lot of time with KT and JH. At first we thought that she was just a friend of the couple, but on the day that JH banned me from joining him on a walk with this woman, I started to harbour suspicions regarding the nature of their relationship.
Then I noticed a change in KT’s mood. She too had her own concerns. I pointed out to her the advantage of her independently-owned property and youthful beauty. If JH went off with this Australian woman, she still had a place to live and men would be queuing up to take their place at KT’s side.
P and SM, L and TF, and TPR and I all owned holiday apartments on a remote exotic island – which we hardly ever used. When we first bought the properties they each came with a set of live pets held in a glass-fronted bookcase.
None of us had time to care for these creatures and were annoyed that we had to go to the trouble of finding homes for them all.
LK led the three of us through Holyrood Park. I shouted after her that this was the long way, so we all turned back to take the route around the other side of the hill and loch.
I had been warned that EF planned to kill one of the local sheep as punishment for its bad behaviour, so when we came across the flock I was ready for bloodshed. However, one element of the warning was incorrect. In a clearing where the sheep grazing EF picked up a rock, approached a man, and struck him with two blows to the head. He was dead within seconds.
EF showed no remorse for her crime. In her view, anyone who abused a sheep deserved the most severe punishment.
We didn’t get through much reading on our beach holiday because we were distracted by Netflix and teaching our friends the rules of Settlers of Catan. We also wasted time explaining to others, such as JS, that this was an all-inclusive resort so there was no need to pay for the salad and lemonade served at lunchtime.
At the end of our holiday TPR and I left the resort separately. I stuffed a few belongings – including the book that I was meant to be reading – into my red bag, and flew home via Switzerland. I proudly spoke French to the ground staff at Geneva airport.
One of my former students had a famous mother-in-law: the singer and entertainer Cilla Black. When I called round to see him and his father-in-law I asked after Cilla.
‘What kind of question is that?!’ said the father-in-law.
I had clearly offended him, but I had no idea how. Then I remembered that Cilla had died in 2015.
I assumed that Cilla’s widower had forgiven my faux pas when he offered to show me round the flat. He said that I could take a soak in the huge marble bath whenever I pleased.
I had taken on the teaching of modules in media and cultural studies.
‘So does that include responsibility for Neighbours?’ said RB.
RB was prompted to ask this question because his father had just returned from Australia, but couldn’t get used to being home on this side of the world. Until he was ready to acclimatise completely, he told everyone that he would be walking around on his hands.
Dreamaticus 