Star Trek Voyager’s Neelix and Kes moonlight as fake holiday guests (Rousse)

‘What a coincidence!’ cried TPR in the dining room of our holiday resort.

At first I thought that he had recognised an old work colleague, but when we approached the table I saw that his quarry was Neelix and Kes from Star Trek Voyager.

‘Leave them alone’, I said. ‘They’re on holiday too’.

However, Neelix and his girlfriend Kes were delighted to share their table with us. TPR and I were very impressed that they so willingly gave up their holiday time to be with us.

However, I became suspicious of our new ‘friendship’ when the holiday rep handed out evaluation forms at the end of our stay. A line drawing on the form supposedly represented a bunch of typical guests enjoying their time at the resort. We recognised many as the same holiday-makers who had shared our week. They included Neelix, Kes, and David the cheery half-bearded fisherman (who was now chatting up a new arrival). I realised that there were professionals in our midst, paid to befriend us. It was not Neelix and Kes that we had met, but the actors Ethan Philips and Jennifer Lien.

I vowed never to pay for a ‘Learn Italian in the sun’ package holiday ever again.

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John Craven and the Yellow Brick Road (Belle)

My attempt to join former colleagues for lunch in London turned into a quest. Firstly, I accidentally attended a country festival. It was here that I learnt that veteran broadcaster John Craven was an original member of the Dave Clark Five.  The news stunned me and I had to sit down in the tea tent for some time.

As I got closer to the restaurant a sinister actress in a wheelchair twisted her magical umbrella cane and the Yellow Brick Road, which had been stored there, shot out and overlaid the Farringdon Road.

I dashed into the restaurant – late – and ordered spaghetti and meatballs.

 

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A failed family get-together at Newcastle-by-the-sea (Rousse)

Newcastle city centre was packed on the first Saturday after the January pay-day. We should never have agreed to meet my mother and sister S there.

As things turned out, we didn’t manage to find one another. This was because TPR and I ended up wandering through the terraced streets of Jesmond then spent the afternoon in a biology student’s flat on the beach.

My mother and S could not contact us because TPR had (as usual) forgotten to pack his mobile, and my iPhone was out of power. Even if they had got through, my mother would not have managed the walk from the city centre to the beach to meet us.

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Delicious dead dog pâté (Rousse)

When the dog failed to respond to neither the cries of its owner, nor my whistling, we first assumed that it was lost in the forest. Sadly, we later discovered its little corpse on a bed of autumn leaves.

Keen not to waste the body, we butchered the animal. Then we cooked the meat in an elaborate process using four glass chambers to create the most delicious dead dog pâté.

We were unsure whether to serve this delicacy to dogs only, or whether it would also be fit for human consumption.

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Computer criminal caught in the act (Rousse)

I caught my former colleague MH illegally sneaking into the office in the middle of the night to use the University’s computer facilities.

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Wife discovers real reason why husband married her (Rousse)

It was in a tiny shared house in Swindon that I finally understood that TPR did not love me. For years he had been in a secret relationship with OC, and his role as my husband was just a front. This explained his lack of interest in decorating, and his failure to appreciate my distress at the peeling green wallpaper in the porch.

All this came to light the day that I cycled to the gym for a swim – forgetting to lock my bike, leaving my towel at home, and nearly getting killed crossing the main road.

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Birthday log book refusal ruins friendship (Rousse)

TDX barged into my office, with a lackey in tow, and demanded my log book.

I said that I was not prepared to give this to her. Her eyes narrowed and she raised her voice in anger. I now knew that our friendship (and possibly my career too) were over.

She was particularly annoyed that I was disobeying her on her birthday.

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High energy Rousse

My energy levels were so high that I bounded along as if in flight.

I urged the others to join in the fun, but only NY was interested.

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Twins, a five-legged soccer creature, and a lost football pitch (Rousse)

I accompanied the twin eight year-olds (already kitted out in white football strips) to the vast park. Here I was told that we would easily find the pitch.

We set off as directed. I related tales of a five-legged soccer animal along the way.

Sadly we never found the pitch, and I lost both children.

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Television time delayed due to water allergy (Rousse)

My sister JMH and brother-in-law had added another extension to their house. This was an enormous bathroom off the kitchen. Its ‘walls’ were made of canvas and decorated with swirly orange 1970s patterns.

In the kitchen itself they had installed a massive television screen to the ceiling. This could be lowered to a vertical position for family viewing.

I was looking forward to catching up on some programmes later. JMH promised that we could do so soon. First, however, as she had to send home AMF’s friend because she was allergic to water.

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