Stockton man traffics refugees as a sideline to drug dealing (Rousse)

TPR and I were setting down to watch a 1970s film in the upstairs drawing room of the White House when we sensed that we were not alone. After a quick check behind the furniture revealed nothing, we sat back down again to pick up the plot of the movie. Then there was another, more distinct sound. This time we could tell that it came from behind the green velvet curtains.

Hiding by the window was a naked man! In his early 20s, all that he was carrying was a small document that revealed his identity as an Indian national. We guessed immediately that he was a refugee. I sent TPR to fetch some clothes from SEH’s bedroom while I comforted our unexpected visitor and told him not to be frightened. TPR returned with a black T shirt and an old pair of Marks and Spencers trousers.

Then, as if from nowhere, another person suddenly appeared. This refugee looked like he was from Africa. Fortunately he was already dressed. Now we had two people to look after.

I was just wondering how we would care for them when another three men emerged from behind the sofa. This was now beginning to get complicated, especially since the one with dirty blond hair was evidently a local man.

Small, scrawny – and somewhat shifty – he was obviously from Stockton-on-Tees. He hurried along the upstairs hall to make a bid for the staircase and a quick exit from the back of the house. The moment that I grabbed him I understood his role. He made extra cash trafficking refugees while dealing drugs.

It was his car parked outside that had brought the other men to our house, and which he hoped would provide his getaway. I was determined that he would not escape, but brought to justice instead.

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Academic is owner of magnificent mansion on the Holy Island of Lindisfarne (Rousse)

I knew that it was unconventional to take one’s sibling to a school management meeting, but now that mine worked at the University (albeit in a different department), I thought that I would get away with it.

SS glanced over and clocked JMH. I introduced my sister as a new lecturer in pharmacology. JMH corrected me, explaining that her title was ‘lecturer in life sciences’. SS acknowledged our academic gate-crasher, but did not insist that she leave. Instead she showed me a scrap book in which she had made notes for the meeting. Here were some scribbles made by her children. I also saw my name scored out next to a paragraph of illegible text. I wondered what had been planned for me, and why the plans had changed.

After the meeting my sister and I walked to Holy Island with TPR tagging along behind us. The tide was coming in as we reached the causeway, but that did not deter us. We strode out and walked steadily through the rising water, with a few stops along the way for me to admire the view. I considered taking photos of the red ships in the distance to the north against the brilliant blue of the sea and the sky.

When we finally arrived at my sister’s house I was shocked at the state of the peeling black paintwork on the front door, and the untidy briary bushes that obstructed the path. However, once inside, where we were greeted by my mother, I was open-mouthed at the glorious interior of the enormous wood-panelled rooms decorated with original art work.

How would my sister manage the upkeep of this magnificent mansion in the long-term? Who would ever be rich enough to buy it from her when the time came to sell?

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Jo Jo the poison pen email writer pushes stressed academic over the edge (Rousse)

I was in the habit of commuting by train to the headquarters of the Chartered Institute of Library and Information Professionals in London. There I worked in the basement on an unending series of grant applications.

From time to time I would take a break and climb to the top floor of the building. There I would frighten myself by peering down the immense stairwell, imagining the bloody outcome should I fall and crash into the white tiles below.

One day I received an email from someone who signed off with the pseudonym ‘Jo Jo’. I actually knew the identity of the person behind the message that accused me of randomly pestering others for favours, expecting them to be granted on account of my ingratiating ‘shiny, happy, person’ act. Behind the poison pen was Penelope Wrightman of Aberystwyth University. I decided to take a walk outside to reflect on these insults, and the way in which I would respond to them.

In the distance I heard the sounds of a protest. Several men broke away from the march along the main road to accost individuals in the park where I was considering my email options. The man who ran towards me wore green and orange shorts and T shirt, and was shouting slogans from the 1984/5 miners’ strike. I feared for my safety and ran away.

Then a beautiful young woman approached me and asked whether I was from Ayr. I had a feeling that Jo Jo had sent her to spy on me. I responded by telling her that she was a very rude young lady who should not insult her elders with such impudent questions. When she burst into tears I apologised for my loss of temper – but it was too late.

I now realised that I had lost my grip on reality, regularly removing myself from my family each day to write pointless documents. I would phone TPR and tell him that I was coming home for good.

It took some time for me to dial the house number. First of all I tried to do so on a defunct Nokia mobile before I remembered that I owned an iPhone. Happily, within minutes of making my call TPR, my mother, and my not-so-little sister arrived in the Volvo to transport me home.

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A spare CD of Scottish folk music (Rousse)

I saved the CD of Scottish folk music as a present for FR.

In the company of IB, LJ and JM, however, she regretted that she was unable to accept it. This music, apparently, was not to her tastes (at all).

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Students love their naked teacher (Rousse)

Discussing the module in my kitchen, the students and I worked out that we all fell in love around week 7.

When we moved the conversation into the hall I started to feel chilly, so I excused myself to pop into my bedroom and put on some clothes.

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A shy sous chef (Rousse)

VJ had been contracted to cook for a couple of celebrity chefs on daytime television. I volunteered to chop the vegetables (off-camera, in the kitchen).

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Uninsured charity shop burglar escapes to the seaside by tricycle (Rousse)

I noticed that my donation was still not on display several days after  I left it for sale at the charity shop. In fact, it looked like the shop was possibly out of business. I was pretty sure that the bag lady who slept in its doorway hadn’t been moved for days.

I peered into the shop window and spotted that it only opened on Tuesdays. This was hopeless. How would my donation sell if the shop only welcomed customers on one day of the week? There was nothing else for it but to break into the shop to retrieve ‘my’ stuff: a straw basket, two cashmere cardigans, and my purple crocheted cardigan. (I was now wondering why I ever considered giving away all these lovely items?)

Then I found my old red Peugeot 205 and drove into town, uninsured. I knew that I would be in terrible trouble if I had an accident, and when I crashed through a barrier at a level crossing just as a train approached I really thought that this would be the end.

However, I made it safely over the other side, abandoned the car for a tricycle, and pedalled over the green and orange crocheted fields to the seaside.

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Regift revelation (Rousse)

I was rumbled at the school reunion.

BH worked out that I had passed the present that she had given me for my birthday onto HF for hers.

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The computerisation of sanitation businesses (Rousse)

A mature student with a Geordie accent, supported by a gang of friends, was trying to persuade me that it was appropriate that he write his dissertation on how to revive his wife’s failing sanitation business. I explained that this was not sensible if he wished to be awarded a Masters degree in Computing.

I suggested that he consider researching topics related to the computerisation of sanitation businesses instead.

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University cuts pay bill by cutting academic hours by a third (Rousse)

When JK hacked into RK’s email account he found over 5000 confidential messages exchanged between university admin staff on the subject of academic pay.

The Principal had had a hard choice to make in respect of financial savings. To avoid redundancies, all academic staff would now be required to work just two semesters a year, with a corresponding drop in pay. While this suited my plans perfectly, I imagined that it would not be popular with my colleagues.

I wondered how KB would have taken it when she suddenly appeared brandishing a homemade gauze bag of toiletries as an early Christmas present for me.

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