PhD in Middle Eastern history: the mock viva experience (Rousse)

I was completely unqualified to serve as an examiner at this mock PhD viva. What on earth did I know about Middle Eastern history?

I had been persuaded to participate on the grounds that I could ask all the standard questions:

  • What was the overall aim of the research?
  • What inspired you to explore this topic?
  • What is your contribution to the field?

No one seemed to care that I would be completely unable to interpret the answers, nor continue the examination with follow-up questions.

At the viva itself everyone ignored me. They also paid no attention to the candidate. The whole meeting turned into a detailed debate about politics between the Director of Studies and second supervisor. This was no help to the student whatsoever.

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A Star Trek screening and a sick bed sanctuary (Rousse)

I was in no fit state to trek across the mountains after my operation, but TPR made me do this so that he could watch Star Trek films at the university cinema, snuggled up to a couple of women, who we used to know from our undergraduate days (CG and TS).

Worse for me, the minute that I was spotted on campus, HR staff made a beeline for me, assuming that I was back at work after my operation.

I headed out of the main building and hunted for the bus stop. Although I had no change on me, it would be worth paying extra to get back home to the sanctuary of my sick bed.

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Unusual lavatory layout for school parties in Stockton-on-Tees (Rousse)

Formerly known as Hector’s House, the third of the double garages (including the coach house) at the White House, Hartburn, Stockton-on-Tees, was converted into holiday accommodation for school parties.

On the ground floor there was a self-contained bedroom with en suite bathroom for the group leader(s), and a dormitory for children. Above there was a big common room, as well as the bathrooms.

I had seen communal showers before, but was rather surprised to discover the layout of the child-sized lavatories in open groups of three.

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A long soak (Rousse)

The Manor House bathroom overlooked the grounds towards the bay. Here JM and I took a long afternoon soak. Meanwhile TPR was elsewhere (most likely working on code).

When it was finally time to get out, a French student brought us freshly laundered blue and white striped towels, all fluffy and warm, straight out of the tumble dryer.

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Party limits (Rousse)

The parties hosted by my cousins were now so popular that they were obliged to fix a sign to the door to note that there was a limit of 100 guests.

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Rare red toothpaste

I chastised GC for his wasteful use of rare red toothpaste as he applied yet another 8-inch streak to his toothbrush.

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Lobbying the Scottish Government: in person, on a Sunday, face-to-face, in French (Rousse)

So impressed were we of RG’s athletic feat that we lobbied the Head of the Scottish Government – in person, on a Sunday, face-to-face, in French – to mark her achievement with a line of text carved in stone at the entrance of the Scottish Treasury building.

The only flaw in our approach was that we lost the covering letter that we had written for the official. However, my memory was so good that I was able to recite perfectly the reasons for our nomination.

I thought it completely unreasonable that CI and the other members of our team sent me to Coventry when they discovered that the covering letter had been in my i3 Conference bag during our audience. I had simply forgotten that it was there, and was certainly not hiding it. In any case, our bid had been successful.

What is more, the Head of the Scottish Government was also interested in our work with community councils, and this could lead to extended research opportunities for CI and the others. When they refused to allow me to join them in the restaurant for supper, they were putting their future employment prospects at risk.

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Edinburgh ‘tramp’ seeks New Town bail-out (Rousse)

I set off for home across town after my swim at the Edinburgh International Conference Centre with wet hair, and wearing nothing but a worn-out green towel.

I knew that I looked like a tramp, and at first I didn’t care. But then people started to stare at me so I hailed a taxi to take me home. Once installed on the back seat of the car it dawned on me that I did not have any cash to pay the driver, nor the keys to my flat.

I rerouted the driver through the New Town. VJ would have to bail me out yet again.

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Fried eggs and a friendship fractured (Rousse)

My friendship with Belle was over, and it was all my fault.

I invited two extra women that I barely knew to visit, even though Belle was meant to be my guest of honour. At the time we were also having all sorts of problems with our burglar alarm, and the foul-mouthed men who came to fix it made everyone feel very uncomfortable.

Given the circumstances, I decided that it would be much easier to cook Belle’s breakfast up the road at VJ’s flat. I gave her and the two other guests a slice of toast each, then headed out the door, promising to return with three fried eggs within ten minutes.

When I reached VJ’s flat, however, I found fierce competition for frying pan space. Here several others were already crowded around the cooker making breakfast for their own guests. I begged an Indian man for a corner of his pan, but by the time that he was able to granted me this there were no eggs left to cook. I gave up and went to work.

Meanwhile Belle and her new companions were waiting for me to return to my flat with their breakfast. Stranded indoors all day, by the evening all three of them were furious with me.

I tried to placate them with promises of a punk band in a bar at the corner of Dundas Street.  Then I ruined everything when I lost my way there.

The thin red-haired girl in the pale green ballgown was especially angry. She refused to pay me any further attention when I started to reminisce about my time as an undergraduate in Nantes.

Meanwhile Belle had already broken off our friendship forever.

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A faithful wife and an unfaithful husband (Rousse)

My ex-boyfriend ST and I arranged to stay in a hotel in the south of England and use this as a base to visit our other exes. I did not trust ST when I climbed into our huge shared bed for the night. However, I got through the ordeal unscathed, largely because I ensured that I was fully armoured in my red and white fleece pyjamas.

My husband TPR was obviously not pleased with me when I joined him the next day to visit the magnificent coast line and the town museum. He refused to walk with me along the cliffs or help me find the best angle to photograph the model village, and he hid from me amongst the museum exhibits.

When I finally cornered TPR in the fossil section he confessed that he had slept with many of my friends over the years, and most recently with WB. Now it was my turn to show immense displeasure.

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